Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Freida]

I agree..email as a courtesy. If they wont select you based just on that you dont want to work with them anyway!

 

[littleoc]

I’ll answer y’all in a bit, I just wanted to say that I successfully told my mom I was angry. After almost driving wrecklessly but I calmed down.

She refused to talk to me afterward but I just let her do it

I feel bad but I don’t. This house is not my fault.

 

[somerandomguy]

This house is not my fault.

You've tried over and over and over to clean it, to fix it, and now you realize that you really don't have any control over it. It really isn't your fault.

I'm really glad you're working hard to get out of there.

 

[littleoc]

I am possibly being controlling though. I’m right but I can’t make her care.

 

[littleoc]

True @somerandomguy. I’ll be somewhere clean soon. Somewhere where I can actually clean before Shabbat. Like you’re supposed to.

Boy this place drives me crazy. I can’t tell what the nice thing to do is in this case.

 

[littleoc]

My therapist might have been right about Sewanee (University) me finally waking up and going home. I talked at my mother the same way I talked to my employee after she accused me of being racist. Sigh.

I’m so over this.

 

[littleoc]

Wait I haven’t talked about that here yet lol. Hang on

 

[littleoc]

In university I handled several situations with calmness, except when an unexpected person scared me once.

The ONLY thing I didn’t handle well was Jordan/Lauren attempting to rape me, and then Brandi saying she both didn’t care and assumed I was lying because I had lied to her once already. (The time I told her I wasn’t her mom.)

I handled a dying blue infant, a woman having a seizure, someone getting hit by a car, someone else needing someone to talk to after being hit by a car, an almost-active shooter situation (that was all Nestle tho), a student dying in the living room of our house when the HOUSE MANAGER said it would be a bad idea to take her to the ER because they might get in trouble, a customer yelling at me while my employees backed away in fear, my friend handling a rabid bat (all bats are rabid basically, it’s like a common cold to them but even less, more like generic human herpes), students being too loud at night, someone attempting to kidnap me in front of an audience like a retard, and more — all totally fine. I took on leadership positions and got it handled. I did fine.

Not at home. I got home and immediately my mutism was back. I started posting here again — thank god I did. My mom was getting angry at me for saying not to hurt a cat who was being defensive.

But today I told her off, so I guess I am waking up. Like therapist said.

Which is gonna suck a bit for my mom because she hasn’t quite seen this side of me, but I am f*cking fed up.

My sister is upset because she got my mom some really expensive jewelry to wear for breast cancer awareness month, to celebrate how she didn’t die, and she asked my mom if she knew where it was. My mom responded, “I don’t know where anything in that house is. I hate that house.”

Okay then. Fair enough. Nice thing to say to your daughter who literally cleaned half of it, and when she bullied us about it you did nothing until it was way too late, and then my sister got mad but whatever. Different story. It wasn’t my fault.

So we get in the car. She realized she forgot her phone, so I backed up down the street and got back in the driveway. I shouldn’t have said anything. My mom doesn’t do criticism. She finally had a good day. And she probably said the thing about the house because it’s difficult for her to talk about the house at all, so I should have been more encouraging. I guess I tried but all I did was shut it off, apparently. Which was not my intention, but I sido best with cat training, not human. And humans are supposed to be more responsible for their reactions and behavior than cats.

Anyway. I lightly told my mom, “I think you should consider talking to a therapist.” Winced, because I said “should.” I didn’t mean to say that word. (English doesn’t really come naturally to any woman in my family though. Genetic disorder. It’s usually funny, wasn’t then.)

Decided to try to fix it by showing concern. I made eye contact. Then thought maybe I’m being too deliberate. Tried to be not manipulative and show concern. She got angry. Not by my look, but by me saying what I did. She got defensive and apparently assumed I thought something was wrong with her? I couldn’t read the emotion. But she angrily said, “Okay,” like I’d said something mean and stupid.

I lost my temper. Decided to let her get her phone. When she came back, I drove too roughly for a moment.

Got a flashback of her driving too roughly when I was carsick because she was angry that I was making her late.

Got angrier. Drove a little crazier. Put on the emergency break. Told her in a shaky voice that I needed a moment.

Took a deep breath. Began to drive more carefully. Avoided another flashback to something else. Took a deep breath. Told her, “I’m sorry I offended you. I didn’t mean to be offensive. I just really want to say that every single one of us has, at this point, gone way out of our way to help you fix the house. It really hurts to hear you say that it’s not enough.”

Not exactly what I wanted to say, but should have been enough to open conversation between two people. Even if they can’t speak well.

But no. No acknowledgement. No apologies. Complete silence.

It wasn’t a sad silence. She was sad, yeah. I could feel and see that. It doesn’t get by a synesthete. Very distinct color. She was angry and I don’t actually know at who or what obviously but I do know every single time I say something “wrong” she gives me the silent treatment.

She does for much lesser reasons. Like me having to get work done.

I feel extremely upset that she’s upset. But more upset that this is even an issue.

Edit to add: I feel really upset that I drove the car roughly. Do I apologize? It wasn’t her fault I drove roughly.

Maybe now she’ll remember to not ask me about how I feel about my pedophile while I’m f*cking driving. I swear she thinks I can turn PTSD off when it’d be inconvenient to have it.

 

[littleoc]

Gonna go hold the snake.

Snakes like being held by calm people. It’s theraputic.

 

[littleoc]

To be honest I’m not really sure. I would maybe err on the side of caution and email that you are bringing her. Like not a question but just a heads up? But then maybe it would be fine to just show up.

Emailing first sounds like a pretty good idea. They're not supposed to disqualify you for having a service animal, but it happens all the time. It'd be better just to get that information out of the way and see what happens.

I agree..email as a courtesy. If they wont select you based just on that you dont want to work with them anyway!

Hm... okay. That seems better than my plan.

I was going to show up without the dogle and then wait to see if they hired me. Then show up with the dog on my first day.

How would I word that email?

“Just to let you know, I am going to bring a lisenced service dog to the interview. She’s covered by the ADA. Marry Christmas!”

 

[littleoc]

I wish I lived somewhere else.

 

[littleoc]

Ugh. I basically told my mom to not talk about it with me. Didn’t I? Shut her down. “Don’t tell me you hate the house, you’re not allowed to hate it because I helped once”? That’s probably what it sounded like to her.

I hate understanding things. I don’t even want to fix it. It’s not my responsibility to learn how to communicate with her kids.

I can’t tell if I’m being mean or not. I really want to stop thinking about this, but she’s so aggressively ignoring me that she just turned off every single light in the house and got mad when I stood in the chat spot to tell Slinky I’d do her litter.

Someone has to do her litter. Sorry.