Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[somerandomguy]

Can I just say that there's no reason for you to feel guilty about anything.

 

[littleoc]

Sure. Thank you.

I’m just worried I got triggered again and then mistreated my mom by not being nice enough or understanding enough. I mean, it’s normal to become more “abusive” when there’s a lot of stress going on. Like a pandemic. That doesn’t make it abuse though. Ugh. I should probably ask my therapist about this. But I can’t seem to trust her over video and my auditory processing isn’t good enough to just have her on the phone. I keep having a weird feeling she’s not my real therapist but that my real therapist is in the room with her, which is very funny but not something I want to share with her because it would require explanation.

Thank you. :hug:

Edit to add clarification: I mean my mom may not be being abusive because stress. Maybe everyone’s reaction is just a stressor for me because I’m too empathetic.

 

[littleoc]

My mom used to taunt my dad when he lived here. Telling him he wasn’t a woman and looked crazy in her makeup, muttering at him that he was wrong about things and just being generally passive aggressive. I am not blaming my mom for being abused or being stuck with an abuser. But I am saying that her behavior egged him on and whatever control she thought she was getting by doing it was quickly lost and made me forever instantly upset at her muttering.

Feels like the same situation as @frogthroat and her fellow captors. The youngest one. I won’t explain if you don’t know what I mean by that, unless it’s critical to understanding me here.

It still makes me so mad when she mutters at me like I’m my dad. I have a lot in common with him. But I don’t need to deal with the passive aggressive muttering or being told that I need to be more accepting of her needs. Too afraid to talk about it because I genuinely can’t tell if I’m in the wrong or not. ??‍

Still irrationally angry that I keep having to solve her problems for her over and over. I can’t even accept little things. She won’t ask me, she’ll just call across the house pretending to talk to herself saying she can’t do something. If I ignore she does it fine. I feel bad ignoring. But also angry this keep happening. First having to tell her that buying alcohol for her stupid husband and/or wife was dumb.

That’s another thing though. Why was she complaining to a 12-year-old about this and why did I have the answers and not her? I need to be more forgiving but this makes me so angry. To the point that her asking me for medical advice gets me worked up. I’ve just been telling her I’m not a doctor and to go ask a doctor. Giving mild advice only. Pretty much only after she does something stupid.

I’m trying to give her her independence back because my goal remains moving out. But she doesn’t want it. She keeps asking me for permission to do things like go to my sister’s, which yeah is dumb in some ways right now and not in others, but she’s a grown ass woman. Asking me if she’s going to get in trouble if she eats jellybeans or doesn’t take her meds.

But I don’t feel right even complaining about this.

I might just be angry today because (1) been stuck here for days keeping it secret that I had a seizure to avoid problems and (2) I posted an informational fun fact video about child psychology online and my biological father liked it. No idea if that’s his idea of support or not but definitely a dickhead f*cking move.

 

[Muttly]

I need to be more forgiving but this makes me so angry. T

Why do you need to be more forgiving? This is a default assumption of yours. It's really hard to forgive someone when they are still using the same behaviors and seem unwilling to change. Even if someone has done nothing wrong, if they do things that you don't like, you are allowed to not like it. It doesn't matter if it's your mom or friend or therapist. We are humans and will find there are behaviors we can't tolerate in others. How we act on those feelings does matter but nothing you've described is overtly mean. And what you have described is someone who treats you badly and also demands that you care for them. You have to take all the responsibility but you don't get any of the true power. You don't get to make demands or set boundaries. That's not healthy or right. That's not something you need to forgive.

 

[littleoc]

I agree on the surface, @Muttly. I suppose her reactions get to me? Every time I try to talk to her, she turns it around and I go mute. She’ll then go hide in her room for days and refuse to talk to me.

I’ve never had a roommate do this to me before. So it follows I shouldn’t be accepting this behavior.

If I don’t, though, then the peace is gone and that feels like my fault.

But on the other hand. If my yelled or got angry at my former roommates, they listened and reacted/responded accordingly.

Hell, even my abusive ex to an extent. I couldn’t tell her my opinions of how she was treating me, but if I angrily did a chore I’d asked her to do, sometimes I’d get a real apology. Sometimes.

Ugh, though, my mom isnt my ex. Or any of my friends.

It feels like this is in my head. I lose my internal dialogue justifying my feelings the moment I realize that some of this is normal and I worry I’m being unreasonable. Sounds like a problem I had with a new friend recently. I might just be pushing myself too hard.

I wonder if I should quote these messages and put them in my other thread to help keep track of them.

 

[Freida]

Why was she complaining to a 12-year-old about this and why did I have the answers and not her?

My guess? I wonder if this where your guilt comes from? You had to raise your mom. The roles were reversed - you were the parent and she was the child. And as a 12 year old you knew you didn't have the answers. So she made you feel guilty for it and you are still carrying that guilt.

But it's not yours.
It never was

I need to be more forgiving

snort. Says who? Being forgiving for abusers has never made sense to me. I know Ts say you need to let go of the anger to heal, but I think that's a long way from forgiving what they did. And like it or not, your mom was abusive.
So i'm not sure forgiveness is at the top of the things you should be looking at

I lose my internal dialogue justifying my feelings

Ahhh yes..justifying feeligs. As my T bathers on endlessly --- feelings can't be justified. Because they are just feelings. :)

 

[littleoc]

This post is gonna feel real meaningless to y’all but I’m typing it out anyway because it messed me up. I suppose it’s normal for memories that aren’t Capital T Traumatic to feel traumatic and come up like an effing flashback if you didn’t get to process them as a child because you were going through something worse. But damn if they don’t feel crippling. In my credit, I think if I were doing EMDR it’d be considered an important memory.

I saw an image online of some magnets shaped like food. I dunno from what year. It was a throwback post. They were plastic food shapes from McDonald’s maybe? Bananas, “pineapples” (not sure what they actually were), lil cheeseburgers. 80s, maybe?

In fifth grade I was having a hard time. My mom had terminal cancer (miracle she survived), I was “kidnapped” though I’m seriously question this terminology right now, I saw a dog get ... raped. I guess. I stopped doing my homework because I didn’t have time, so I was making straight F’s and staring at the floor all day at school while teachers literally threatened me in front of other students. Telling me to get up and tell them I failed or cheated in front of the class or else she’d drag me to the front of the class. That was Ms. Frye. She hated me and kept saying I was a problem. I never told my mom because I didn’t see the point. Now when I bring it up my mom gets mad I didn’t say anything.

I started getting better part way through that class. They’d punished me for a lot so I tried copying the behavior of the favorites. Ms. Frye had a row of desks with four girls there who were gorgeous, who only made A’s, and had the most privileges. Savannah, Brook, Brooke, and Allie. I liked Allie so much that I actually used her name when I went to middle school, but as Al or Allie.

I got rid of the pedophile by being kind af, though honestly I’ve wondered if he manipulated me, but whatever. I felt happy and accomplished. I started dressing like a girl instead of a boy. I let my sister put makeup on me. I started trying to do homework. Ms. Frye assumed I was cheating because of my ability to get all the answers right.

But eventually agreed that maybe I was smarter than she expected so she put me with the Four Girls and they hated me but I felt prouder than ever.

I decided to start trying to show my own personality. I collected some magnets from home and decorate my metal desk.

Teacher had put Tyler in the corner away from everyone else. So there were five “girls” in a row. Tyler in the corner facing the wall. Rest of the class facing us.

My hobby has always been decorating.

Ms. Frye started class, acted normally; then saw my decorations. I was proud of them and asked her if she liked them. She did this dramatic sigh. Stopped class mid-lector to go into the closet to and get a trash bag. Came out. Started dumping all my magnets into the bag while everyone stared. I tried to speak up but went mute. It was humiliating.

She told me in front of the entire class that i might get them back at the end of the year, but that she’d told me we weren’t allowed to decorate our desks. Said things about me not taking my meds. My dad had yelled about it that morning and at the time I knew it was his fault he forgot. Not mine. But hearing it from her hurt. She told me the other Good Girls didn’t need meds.

I did get courage to ask for my magnets back at the end of the year. I was afraid all year because I thought I’d be in trouble with my mom and dad if I lost their cool magnets I loved so much. Some were broken though. Including my favorite dolphins. I still have those for some reason.

That teacher liked me better by the end. She nominated me to get an award from the President (Bush, Jr., at the time) and stood with me when I got it. It’s a minor memory but seeing a picture of magnets like mine really set me off today.

 

[littleoc]

What is it with teachers humiliating children? My first grade teacher did that too. Because I asked a girl out.

Teachers told me they could tell I was trouble because I dressed like a boy. Only good girls dress like girls. What does that even mean? It’s their parents dressing them, you know...

Fun fact, fifth grade was when I met my ex’s current gf, lol. We had a lot in common but everyone liked her and not me. I asked to switch classes because I felt people would like me better if I were new, like Jamie. Jamie and I had a lot in common but she was rude to me because the rest of the class told her I was weird. In middle school we became friends and that’s how I met Brandi, sort of. Not quite though. It doesn't really matter if I clarify, though.

 

[littleoc]

Okay. Now it’s time to cheer back up.

 

[littleoc]

Better now. I had a lot of nightmares last night, but I think most were benign. They affected me anyway. I’m positive it was something I ate.

 

[bellbird]

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Oh, also, the microwave exploded (not completely literally). Didn’t wanna say I told her so ? It was smoky and no one was hurt.