It's interesting how you described fungus -- because it almost makes me like him (her?). I think you my be on to something -- that fungus represents your empathy and how it can get away from you. By that I mean how you can care so much for others that it covers up both your own needs and some of the complexity of reality. As in - you empathize with people so strongly that you want more for them than they do.
I find this flattering -- is that weird? Thank you for saying this. I can see what you mean by it making others upset, I think. It's sort of hard to wrap my head around, and it makes me sad, but I think you have a point.
I have the urge to explain fungus gender in general, so in a few sentences -- fungi don't have female and male, because they don't have egg and sperm. They literally fuse their bodies to mates and make fruiting bodies with babies that only have half a genome (compared to what we leave babies with as humans). So, instead of gender, they have mating types -- and one species can have literally thousands of mating types, and they are all compatible for the most part unless they are the same or too similar (probably a way to avoid mating with siblings or parents).
Brandi felt Fungus was a male presence, because in the Other World I had created, males of a certain species she wanted to belong to (it's a very long story, I'll try to fit it in here later one day when I'm ready) were very gentle, nondominant, and "motherly." Long story short. Gender roles were very different, stereotypically, for them. But humans could be that way too. Culture is always changing. There are a lot of humans with lots of backgrounds.
I guess in a weird way she was calling me gentle. It would have been nice to be human though. I can like other organisms and still be human.
Although, Brandi did tell me she was sexist. It bothered me a lot, because she would claim that all women were evil, obsessed with makeup, full of gossip -- whatever the school bullies were. I'd always say, "What about us?" Because we were female, biologically. And that can't be argued, and I like my sister who is also female and has even participated in my abuse (I think maybe it wasn't abuse because it wasn't intended -- I still need to process this).
Maybe she saw it in herself and assumed all women were bad?
Brandi was obsessed with gay men. She liked one of my friends because he was gay. Which irked everyone because... rude. It's nice to not be hated for it, but to be near someone obsessed with it, who also told me I couldn't be gay because SHE was confused? She was obsesssd with gay male porn. Which I hear is a niche thing and I won't judge, but she was very strange about it. Inappropriate even.
Fungus didn't want to talk about sex, but she did. I was worried she'd feel taken advantage of, but she kept insisting. She wanted to know her love life. Then she would compare her current one to it and it was all extremely uncomfortable.
I feel like she really tried to be friends with Fungus. But she hated me, human me. Called me insane and a psychopath. But... I'm not a different person from Fungus.
I'm really hung up on this. I think maybe I should bring it up in therapy next week, when my therapist is back in town. Along with the dog assault. The first one that shocked me so much. But especially the Fungus thing, specifically my guilt and shame over it. I'm so afraid I did something to her.
But she HAD to have known. People don't just believe that a kind Fungus is following their every whim. They believe that a human is trying to show care in extremely strange circumstances, or something like that?
I just keep thinking of when she reached out to me that day in May 2016. She was so sad. It was before she sent that text when I had "lithium poisoning." She was reaching out. She needed help. But she didn't choose Human Me. She chose Fungus and I therefore couldn't make a boundary, couldn't back off. And she sent that text when I couldn't defend myself, and had her girlfriend Jamie text me. And I really did care.
But I was hurting too. I had every right to cut her off in 2016, and I didn't want to talk to her again for good reason. If she viewed me as her support, then that is flattering, but... it wasn't friendship. I was both addicted to and dreading her texts by then. I just wanted it to end. It was so confusing, how much baggage there was. I was willing to talk, but she never was. I wasn't allowed to have problems. She could unload all of hers. Literally every bit of it, and ask for medical advice -- the hours of research I did on her behave is amazing -- but I couldn't do the same. Not as littleoc.
She had to know every detail, and then suddenly didn't care, and also was upset when I merely said that a day was hard. Then she'd explode into talk of how hard her life was and how I was never there for her.
She was okay with hearing about Fungus's problems, and said she felt bad that every single encounter was about her. It made her feel embarrassed and needy.
Fungus reassured her, to be fair. But by saying that it is okay to be sad, or confused. That at her age, 21-22, the instincts of purpose can really get powerful if they haven't already, so it makes sense that they were bothering her.
I tried to be forever patient and understanding.
I think that's what's confusing me. If I was trying to be as under
I wonder if she had BPD. But that's not really my business anyway.
