Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I love cats. Instincts are instincts. Human instincts are adorable. Especially curling up for sleep when it gets dark -- even if it's just because of some rain! :)

 

[Freida]

Yknow..when you talk about being caged as a child it just breaks my heart. Every once in a long while we would get those calls and officers would go to the houses and find captive kids. For some officers those situations were the hardest of their careers because they are just so wrong. The level of sheer evil it takes to do something like that to a kid is just ..unimaginable.

That you survived and still became the person you are today...kind , loving, empathic.....that's amazing

 

[littleoc]

Yknow..when you talk about being caged as a child it just breaks my heart. Every once in a long while...

Thank you. I forget to add it in with lists of abuse. I just call it neglect. I didn't realize it was a problem fully until this year. I just thought my dad couldn't handle us, like he couldn't handle the emotional needs of other animals. Cats could get in. A cat named Romeo cared for us. My sister was wasn't allowed nearby except after 6pm when mom would get home. Mom would love us so we would ask her to stop going to work and celebrate whenever she was back.

Romeo had help from Fuzzy, another very motherly cat. Sponge specifically bonded to me. She didn't like other cats, and was gender confused. She loved me. When she was dying (as per much of my trauma with watching death happen, it was cancer) she kept jumping onto my bed. When she knew it was over she looked worried. I was still a young child. My dad still lived in the house.

It bothers me that other kids understand this on any level... I'm glad I'm at least not feral, because I couldn't even run when I got to school. I was bullied for it, and for my dad hating Christians.

Also, if I am ever kept in one spot long, I get so anxious. My mom gets sad that I won't watch movies a certain number of nights in a row, and that I get anxious watching Netflix for too long, but because I feel like it's just too still, too much being in one room. That living room freaks me out sometimes because once it get like a hospital room but with less nurse/attention.

It's one reason I've questioned being a doctor, actually.

But I came out okay :) I'm not even scared of nursing homes, for the most part (I wasn't volunteering at them, afraid of people being lonely).

 

[littleoc]

I keep calling my dad "my dad" on this forum but it feels weird because that's not what I call him offline.

I call him by his first name. But it starts with an A and I don't want it to get confused with my friend A or the Fungus A, and not with Alexis who genuinely kind of sucks.

I called him Basket when I was a child as a nickname. Because it sounded like Bastard, not because he was a basket case (though he is). When I was five or six I already hated him. None of his kids have ever really liked him, except my little brother who was looking for approval (a normal thing).

I wonder if it's just other family members and me worrying about him getting lonely that is making me feel a need to keep in touch?

Although I was very offended when he signed that birthday card with "-A/Daddy"

He was supposed to be the sperm doner to my lesbian aunts. He controlled my mom but the last thing he wanted was kids. My mom's first husband was apparently worse than him. Killed kitties instead of collected them.

I really don't get how my mom doesn't have PTSD. I wish she'd go to a doctor and manage her whatever-else-she-has. (Not all trauma leds to PTSD... but I bet hers epigenetically made mine more likely.)

 

[littleoc]

My dad hates children.

But you can't have adult friends of people who's pasts you made horrible. I hate that I inherited his memory.

But my Russian grandfather apparently had this memory. So I'll assume it comes from him, not the "sperm doner."

He should have kept with that plan. Being a distant casual, curious observer of someone who has good parents is way better than being an abusive parent. It would be weird to observe that your sperm doner was insane but that's something I do okay with, so...

Although, to be fair, my aunt's wife does have kids and they cut her off years ago. One of them (my cousin) was a teacher in my high school. Her mother was insane.

My mom's side just has a lot of shit to work through. It's weird how my dad's grandfather's pain has come down so many generation.

I should find out if he was a nice guy. His brother commit suicide in the United States after fleeing Russia -- but after a long successful career in something I am afraid to share without being identified. (He is world-known. I'm proud of him for what he could accomplish.) Being Jewish in Russia in the 1900s was a bad thing. That reached down several generations.

On the mom's side, my grandfather was put into an orphanage was was surprised at age 80 to discover a letter that was hidden from him saying that his mother loved him and missed him. His sister lived with his mom. He was called an inmate and was drafted into WWII. He saw horrible things.

I sometimes think I'm trying to heal the pain of multiple generations and it's really not fair, but, well, PTSD is DEFINED by being unfair.

 

[littleoc]

I am needing/ready for EMDR, and my therapist had a goal for doing some after my comps, but there's just so much to cover and it's overwhelming.

And I'm living in the house where the abuse occurred, and it's filled with garbage. But I don't want to lose this house. It's a comfort and a stable thing in my life. And the yard is beautiful and amazing. A half mile down the hill is where the underground spring becomes a creek and the deer nest and the woods in general. I've always wanted to camp there.

And the oak tree outside my windows is 250+ years old, and it's right next to the house so the next occupants will kill it. Also there's the male willow tree, who was planted in 2006 when my mom survived terminal cancer.

My dad was disappointed that she didn't die. He's a maniac. He's killed people and gotten away with it. Maybe he was branching out when he was experimenting with us. He's a sick puppy. But he didn't kill kitties.

 

[littleoc]

• Shadow King (evolution and bizarre friendship)

• Getting a TBI during being a Fungus, identity getting even more confused, terror of stairs and dissociating (making it even harder to learn to drive)

• Multiple concussions before Fungus, but most of them during all the fantasy world stuff

• Brandi being honestly impressed with plot twists involving the fantasy world, saying she'd help me write it if it wasn't me lying/if it was real -- feeling fear and guilt at not admitting it was false, though knowing i couldn't expect to stay the night if I "fessed up"

• Coincidences that kept my story way more real than it should have been (too real, such as flickering lights, knocks on the door, unlocked doors where loose dogs were in need of help)

• Me enjoying the fantasy world so much at some point that I started to get very involved. It was my maladaptive daydream turned way too serious, after all. Been afraid to admit this but I realize now it wasn't my fault, and that it truly was an addiction for me was likely a way that I survived multiple problems I was having, including the head injuries

• Facebook and B in case I decide that's something talking about will help me get more healed

On top of this I'm going to add that a toilet not flushing properly triggered my PTSD and I feel very weird about that. I can't remember why I'm so afraid of toilets, and malfunctioning pipes, but it's such a critical fear that a university once gifted me a free meal at a 5-star restaurant for the time that a toilet flooded my dorm. Luckily it didn't smell bad. (Down the hall smelled like sewage.)

I don't know if it was my dad or the pedophile that made that scary. I know both had something to do with a bathroom at least once. Shower curtains with wolves on them can cause me to panic. (Not really the curtain's fault, though.)

It wasn't even my fault the toilet wasn't flushing. It was probably whoever used it before me. And I'm incredibly uncomfortable with that too. I hate toilets.

I'll get to the bullet points later.

I might be getting my $30 back from PayPal due to a bad transaction I opened a case for. That will be nice.

 

[Freida]

But I don't want to lose this house. It's a comfort and a stable thing in my life. A

Is the house a comfort to live in or a safe place to hide? Just something to think about.....

EMDR can be overwhelming but if you go slowly it can be controlled. Just be honest with your T. Hopefully it will help get rid of some of those fears. You will always have the memories but they won't be as painful

 

[littleoc]

I'm so happy I'll be seeing my therapist tomorrow.

I have no idea where to start with things to tell her, and I often just don't prepare. But then we go over because I always start with something small and then 15 minutes to the end of the session I'll say, "Oh, yeah, *something extremely major or game changing*." Then we'll end up with an hour and a half session and she'll have to reassess her boundaries (she occasionally forgets? Not in a bad way though).

So.
I'll just do it here. Briefly.

• Powerful urge to slip into Fungus mode and worrying a lot about Brandi (the snow triggered it. She would have messaged a lil and said, "Well, it's been snowing all day," and he would say, "Oh, is that right? That's delightful," and she'd say she wanted to play in it and would invite me to join her, please. So she'd know I was real, too)
• I should probably explain my progress on Brandi/Fungus from the last three weeks because a lot has happened and last she knew I was calling it an addiction and she feels sadness for Brandi too and I tried to get her to see my therapist at one point even because Brandi's girlfriend was being abusive
• S isn't going to help me with the house anymore
• I am afraid to ask my mom if she has been able to get in touch with S since she tried talking to her :(
• I am still scared of toilets, three months since I mentioned it in 2018, a year since I mentioned it in 2017, and also 2016... even the world makes me uncomfortable
• I am afraid to leave my house
• I am afraid of leaving behind cats
• I am afraid of leaving behind my bird
• Forming healthy boundaries
• Being afraid of seeming evil (the more nice I am, the more I'm afraid of manipulating people)

And even though that's more than an hour's worth, I know I'm forgetting things.

Like knowing that my therapist wants to do EMDR but I'm not sure it's good and I'm moving to a university again so that'll cut us off again. I wonder what I should do about this.

 

[littleoc]

even the world makes me uncomfortable

I meant "word," not "world," but lol, that too!

 

[somerandomguy]

Yes!! I started going to therapy with a list too!! I found it incredibly helpful. Lately I've just been copying entries from my diary, but it's the same thing.

My T was shocked the first time I came in with a list. Pleased, too, though, because she could see that I was finally getting down to business after almost two years.

Maybe ask your T about the EMDR. It might not be the kind of thing you start and stop.

 

[Freida]

I always take a list...it's the only way to get my brain to not run around like a squirrel on crack!

All of those things you are afraid of? Totally normal. And you know them! You are sorting out your fears and preparing to face them. That is fantastic!!!

Remember ..one step at a time. Can you come back and work with your T while you are gone or is it to far away?