Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Can you come back and work with your T while you are gone or is it to far away?

I probably could, though it's a two hour drive. I've gotten better at not assuming I'll die on the Interstate on the way to and fro. So maybe once a month it could be possible.

I've thought about Skype calls, but that wouldn't work. I'd get paranoid.

I'll figure this out as we go. I usually don't need as much therapy while I'm working away from home -- though I then end up with way too much to say when I come back. Lol

 

[littleoc]

We talked about how the house wasn't my fault. My therapist told me that she's noticed a pattern of me taking responsibility like a scapegoat, but also of not being listened to or taken seriously, especially as a teenager. I'm embarrassed because I lost control and cried.

Next session will be EMDR. Probably on the one of me as a two-year-old trying to get a littleoc freedom, my dad getting angry, and me getting hurt.

Could also be when I was hidden behind my mom when my dad broke down the door while trying to go after her and kill her.

Could also be the dog assault. But I'm having troubles saying that one out loud at this time. It just won't happen

 

[Freida]

No need to be embarrassed about crying! that's the holy grail for the Ts

EMDR will go wherever it wants to go -- so don't try to force yourself to think about one thing or another. You can have a plan, but it can get sideswiped if something else wants to go first. And that's ok. It can be intense so make sure you have an after plan -- somewhere you can be to do lots of self care. (as in not at home worrying about the house being a mess!)

 

[littleoc]

It can be intense so make sure you have an after plan -- somewhere you can be to do lots of self care. (as in not at home worrying about the house being a mess!)

I have DEFINATELY noticed that. As a teenager I did some EMDR (I think it went well? The therapist I had then had to get an EMDR specialist because she wasn't trained in that, and I was terrified and shy, and confused when I was told I had done an excellent job) an de afterward my mom took me to a grocery store despite me protesting. It ended up ruining my session because I got triggered in the store and so overwhelmed that it undid everything.

I am definitely worried about that happening after this time, but this time I'm an adult and I can make clear boundaries. If my mom gets passive aggressive then I may get upset again, but that's why I brought it up with her today. She said she was going to babysit my tiny nephew afterward but I said I wanted to go home. I have control there.

But yeah, since you've mentioned it, I wonder if the hosue might be a bad idea -- but it's not as bad as me being terrified of a bad memory getting linked to my nephew. I'm considering making an appointment for a massage after @somerandomguy said his went so well (my muscles would probably benefit greatly) and maybe it wouldn't hurt to have it on the same day, as long as I'm not likely to get triggered? I should be careful and bring service doggo.

I could check the weather and plan to put up a tent in the backyard. I've had that urge for a while. (The backyard has always been a safe space for me, weirdly, even after the lawn mower incidents.) I could always come back in and use my own bed if I want.

Just, how do I convince the male outdoor kitty to not pee on my tent? :P







My little brother asked for my help, and because he got overwhelmed with everything I knew and tried to say (he doesn't cope like I do -- his mind apparently does not look for solutions right away like mine does) he did not seem to appreciate my help. Which is fine. Or should be. But I feel heartbroken, guilty, and sad about it. Probably due to memories I keep posting and reposting in this diary and around the forums. He does not handle stress very well at this point. He broke his phone and panicked. I'm afraid to ask him if he solved the issue or not.

I am logically proud of myself for reinforcing boundaries. He wanted me to fix it for him, all the way. But it was not my planning that caused that.

I hope he didn't have to pay the $500, though. He's getting married this May and he really can't afford that (I mean, could anyone under any circumstance, really?).

I feel terrible but am telling myself to be proud that I kept my boundaries up even when he was getting angry. I am afraid of his anger. I don't think he fully understands that.






Also I slept about four hours in the last two days, and I don't feel any more tired than usual. Last time this happened I had low vitamin D. I'm back on supplements. And I took melatonin and some aids. Should help. At the very least my brain and muscles really need the rest.




My therapist told me that I've been the most stable in my wits and solutions since my teenage years. She hears me that it was frustrating being laughed at for giving serious advice in occasionally even deadly scenarios.

One time I watched my mom have a heart attack, after nurse training (so, yeah, no denial needed when the symptoms are obvious), and she wouldn't go to a hospital.

I was afraid of having no money or I would have called paramedics. Paramedics would not have been impressed.

Currently she is not treating her diabetes. She has neuropathy from the experimental cancer treatment that cured her, bad enough that she can't walk. Not well enough. Which makes this hosue even more dangerous. But she's also had all the lymph nodes removed from one arm. So, she can only prick one hand (she cannot prick her belly or thighs) and that can't work because neuropathy and pricking only one hand makes it always hurt horribly (I know).

So I asked a doctor and got recommended a product that is usually attached to an insulin pump that can detect blood glucose without pricking.

Very important to me. All her kids. The diabetes but has been out of control for years. Her arteries are getting one hell of a beating and I imagine the vessels in her brain must be weakening and some everyday thing will trigger a problem. I've known it to happen.

But she dismissed me and said she'd never get approved.

I mean.. one time maybe friend afforded a wheelchair accessible van that cost thousands more than a regular car and she managed to dry out three different financial solutions. Why give up before you even start?

I wish she'd accept literally any of my help. I wish she would go to therapy. This is so ridiculous. Painful to watch.

I hate that I'm distant and having weird thoughts about cats being parents.






I will probably feel better after some sleep, though! :)

 

[Freida]

I could check the weather and plan to put up a tent in the backyard.

This is a great idea! Well - for me it would have to be a motor home but.... I'm old LOL

But I feel heartbroken, guilty, and sad about it.

I run into this my brother too -- and it sucks. I had to accept that I can't change him, I can't fix him, and most of the times I cant even help him. It took some counseling but I finally got there. I still feel sad for him, but I understand it's not my fault that I can't make him better.

I am logically proud of myself for reinforcing boundaries

Good girl!

My therapist told me that I've been the most stable in my wits and solutions since my teenage years.

Yea!!!

I wish she'd accept literally any of my help. I wish she would go to therapy. This is so ridiculous. Painful to watch.

See above about your brother -- you cant fix other people. All you can do is learn to accept them as they are - even when they choose to harm themselves. I think it is one of the hardest life lessons to learn -- how to cope when you care for someone more than they care about themselves.

 

[littleoc]

I didn't know part of the law my little brother needed to know. So, he wasted 99$ and still has to pay 500$

I feel terrible. It's not my fault at all, but I feel terrible. But he'll work it out

And to be fair it's not like I'm a lawyer. Too bad I didn't remember that part of the law. It's small but very important.

He'll remember that even if I'm the smartest person alive, he should still do his own research and plan ahead. My advice is fairly reliable and usually better/more logical than others' (in my family, at least). But I'm not perfect




He didn't accuse me of anything, by the way -- he's mad at his landlord who seems to be being rather insensitive to be fair, but is within his legal rights it seems. But he's upset that it didn't work and might have been hoping I'd fix it, and I feel bad that I couldn't. Very bad.

But yesterday he wanted me to call his therapist for him, and I said no to that. I think that helped today, because he didn't ask me to do a thing

 

[littleoc]

I have this feeling that I'm being talked bad about to other family members, because I have been in the past and my family has talked bad about my brother to me (which made me feel extremely uncomfortable). But I've realized it's not really my business and it's fine if they do.

That's what's keeping me from asking for help with paying for my braces before it's too late. My grandmother would probably put down everything to help me. But my mom keeps telling me every time my grandma has anxiety problems related to financial help.

To be fair, the anxiety wasn't directed at me. It was directed at being upset that she couldn't get something over with, and that she's tired of having to pay for things for this house.

It was inappropriate for my mom to tell me that, I think? Especially since it was so hard for me to call her to ask about money. This is not only stressful, but in this case became "triggery " pretty fast because we were talking about the septic tank eventually. I think it should be pretty well known by my own family that the septic tank causes a phobia-like reaction in me -- not like they MUST know details for it to matter.

So my mom coming in and telling me my grandma was mean to her was probably inappropriate. Even if I am an adult.

I keep telling my mom I don't care about gossip. Then I cry at things like I care -- but the reality is my boundaries aren't being very well respected.

I could call my grandma for financial help. If she says no then I'll accept it. But she did just agree to pay $6000 for my twin brother's (his make him severely uncomfortable) so it would make sense that she would be willing to help me. Although they are $4000ish... that's still cheaper than it will be in a year if i don't do something

 

[littleoc]

My family is very dysfunctional. Getting my dad out of the picture never cured that problem

 

[mumstheword]

Like me, I feel you are realizing that you need to get off the rescuer compulsion dynamic.

One of my psych nurses told me, when I was in hospital, about the trauma triangle, on one side/corner is "victim" another "perpetrator" and the other corner is "rescuer" . You and I are classic rescuers.
I'm glad and proud that you are establishing healthier boundaries and focusing on your own empowerment and recovery, instead of staying stuck on the triangle.:joyful: Yay @littleoc !!!:hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[littleoc]

One of my psych nurses told me, when I was in hospital, about the trauma triangle, on one side/corner is "victim" another "perpetrator" and the other corner is "rescuer" . You and me are classic rescuers.

Oh, wow, I totally forgot about that triangle. Thanks for reminding me!

And thank you :)

 

[littleoc]

I walked directly onto the highway today to make sure that the faster/more frequent cars wouldn't frighten my favorite pupper.

She's was not bothered by it at all :)

She did step off the road a few times whenever a car was kind of close, so that was neat. No FEAR of cars, so I think it must have been logic based off of previous training she's had.

The only thing she complained about was the microclimate on the highway. It's obviously a bit hotter there. So, I'll probably use her cooling mat to cover the bottom of her trailer on hot days.

I've noticed that thing can get pretty hot on hot days (still cooler than the air, though) so I'd have to remember bring it indoors as much as I good. No biggie though. I used to let her lay on it at the gym, especially in the pool area when I'd swim because it's waterproof

 

[littleoc]

Also, I walked directly onto a major highway today

Take that, fear of cars.




Also also, N wanted her walk pretty badly, but I was afraid to go outside because I could hear someone shooting a rifle/shotgun (not sure which, but definitely a large caliber thing). N convinced me we'd be fine, and she was right. There was no reason to be scared. That guy was probably just doing target practice, like that neighbor we have who occasionally practices with a bow and arrow -- one of the huge kinds that could kill an elephant

I'm terrified of that thing. OCD intrusive thoughts?

But the point is, I went outside anyway. N is great at her job