Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I have no idea why I’m having thoughts like that either, besides the feeling of being not cared about, I guess. It’s very strange, because I’m not feeling suicidal or anything. Not now. It’s very weird.

Thinking of something positive for today... Besides the back brace, probably that bird I saw earlier?

I canceled all my upcoming doctor appointments. The nutritionist, the physical therapies (back, pelvic muscles), and everything else. I just can’t get them anyway.

But I’ll be going back to that thing I’m writing. I must have disturbed myself thinking about it. The character is escaping being buried alive which is hard to do. I think it reminded me of that isolated room, but also of being basically forgotten. I got home from the hospital, drugged up, and immediate was put back into the garage and no one wanted to talk to me. Angry that the house wasn’t being cleaned because of me. Now it’s worse than ever, and it’s my fault. And no one even knows the hospital did things like that. Wouldn’t believe me anyway. The only one who would have died, of starvation.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm glad you survived!!!! Remember, littleoc, you make everywhere you go a better place!

Is it horrible that no one cared back then? Hell, yes! But ... this is not then. This is now. And you are here now. And ... you are safe, and you have many, many people who care about you.

That shame you feel is your traumabrain telling you that there's something wrong with you. But there's not! You survived! And I'm so glad you did.

 

[ILoveLife]

:hug:

 

[littleoc]

The nurses shouldn’t have been allowed to do that stuff. They said we were “just teenager” and it didn’t matter. Even my mom said that. No one cared about me anymore, because I was a teenager.

My little brother was horribly depressed and acting out with throwing things and such — the way men react to trauma and depression, but my mom started saying he was turning out to be like his dad. And didn’t believe him at first and didn’t believe me when I said he was in danger of cutting too deep and needed a therapist.

 

[littleoc]

you make everywhere you go a better place!

Thank you :)

But there's not! You survived! And I'm so glad you did.

Thank you again :)

I’m not sure what it is, but it doesn’t feel quite like I felt like something was wrong with me. I just felt completely unprotected and hopeless. I knew it was wrong at the time, was old enough to know that. That’s why I started challenging nurses about it.

Everything always felt like my dad was doing it. My sister taking control of cleaning was re-traumatizing, but it was worse that everyone thought that I was not only overreacting and causing everything to go wrong, but that that’s all they cared about even when I did survive and get out.

I don’t know why I feel like that either. It’s really weird. Maybe I should try to get EMDR in before the three-month hiatus...? I’m afraid to mention it though. I don’t even think I’ll be believed, and I don’t really want to testify against them. I won’t be believed. Nurses don’t do stuff like that. Not in the modern US.

 

[littleoc]

@Sietz hugs back :)

Sorry for being edgy today, I thought I’d be able to get through that easier than the pedo feeling bad and trying to kill himsslf. Although to be fair maybe he was killing himself to avoid jail when he found out exactly what my dad was up to, and he just brainwashed me so I’d protect him when my dad did what he had originally planned to do. Maybe he just wanted to win my dad’s game. Maybe my dad tried to kill me, I dunno. I told Brandi I’d be dead by 17 and believed it. My dad hoped one of his kids would die at some point, it was no secret. He wanted the news coverage that would go with it.

 

[littleoc]

Context: Dad got me kidnapped for attention. As in, he was eventually going to heroically expose pedo and get the sympathy and letters and be on TV for years.

He told EVERYONE about me being kidnapped. Everyone. People said it was BS because Native Americans don’t do that, white people do. And I was like, “Yeah. Secretly a white person did it, so.”

 

[littleoc]

Didn’t learn about dad’s plot until I was I college, so that’s pretty confusing to me. Because on one hand, I feel the pedophile actually regretted what he did, but on the other, maybe he was just afraid of punishment.

I mean, he went away to marry a girl in China. Why’d he go to China?

My dad only told close people though. Only after I said it had happened in the hospital. Pedo must have somehow blackmailed him before that point. Maybe they were both covering for themselves. Hm

 

[littleoc]

Other than all those thought, I’m doing fine. Just thought I should add that :)

 

[littleoc]

This back brace is EVEN BETTER since I realized it was inside out

Because I saw a lil pocket and it lets me put the straps from the chest down my lower back, which is keeping my back straight without me straining the muscles any more

I am supposed to just use it when lifting or working out or when sitting for more than 15minutes but I’ve just been kind of just wearing it because the relief is so amazing

I love this thing. I’m not supposed to wear it to bed but dude I’ll be tempted

 

[littleoc]

I want to avoid surgery so I’ll have to go back to PT eventually but at least I have a backbrace

I wish I hadn’t been born with gigantic boobs. I mean, I wasn’t, but... you know what I mean lol. I feel like if I weighed more and/or didn’t have a small frame, it’d be easier on my back, but whatever. We’re doing our best here :D

 

[littleoc]

Am I allowed to say that word here? hm