Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[frogthroat]

Someone let me look at their house for sale, but it’s worth $250,000 on a reduced price, so that won’t happen :p It doesn’t have a porch anyway!

Try looking at foreclosures if you're looking for a house.

I had maps of the world up also, recent ones, one from the 1500s, and one of Middle Earth :p

I had the map of Skyrim up in my old place.?

I never quite had a bedroom. So I’d probably decorate like a high schooler!

I have rainbow polkadots all over my living room walls and marshmallow peep chick plushies and various chicks decorate the TV stand so I guess I decorate like a preschooler. ??

 

[littleoc]

I had the map of Skyrim up in my old place.?

Haha, awesome!!

so I guess I decorate like a preschooler.

!!!!!

Dude, same though ? As soon as I got my room half cleaned out, I took a net shelf and shoved it in a corner and piled stuffed animals all over. Can’t have a canopy over my bed, but I can have a stuffed animal corner-ceiling, dang it!

Grandma decorations and peeps and polka dots are a perfect combination though!!

 

[littleoc]

lol, it’s a fatty tumor

Probably, anyway, gotta wait an’ seeeee





My mom and I got a fancy sandwich for a homeless man after he devoured a mint i gifted him (we could tell he must be very hungry, obviously) and he teared up a bit

I want to build a homeless shelter, it’s not cool to have homeless people, especially in a smaller town

 

[littleoc]

There were a lot of homeless people on our trip :(

Found another one (actually, he found us) in a truck stop. He saw Nestle and approached, and said he used to have a service dog for military PTSD, but he died of old age. Now, he (the human) is homeless, but he’s biking across the United States. His final goal is Florida — he wants to enjoy the beach for the first time in his life, instead of fight on one. Someone’s hurt his face at least once (probably years ago) but he still looks healthy. We (mom and I) bought him dinner, and I let him pet my dog :) I wish I could have gotten him a shower, but we can’t do everything

I hope he found somewhere safe to sleep. Also, a mentally ill man (80-85 year old with Down syndrome) wanted to pet Nestle too. I let him also

Nestle is spoiled

I like the people we meet on roadtrips, it surprises me that my mom will probably still say she dislikes people after this. Maybe she actually dislikes the unfairness in the world, and the people who abuse and caused all the hurt, but she hasn’t figured that out yet

 

[littleoc]

Also, realized something today:

I’ve always wondered about what I would be like if I hadn’t been kidnapped or if I had a good dad, and I’ve always imagined me being friends with different crowds completely if I’d never had the trauma. But, actually, trauma shaped me into who I am, but it hasn’t defined me. I made friends even while going through trauma, and did a lot despite getting a TBI right in the middle of college, right after a PTSD breakdown of sorts. So, nah, I had it wrong. Trauma is trauma, but I am me. Trauma was just a new obstacle in my path. It didn’t change me. At my core I never lost me

I guess I should write that somewhere for future use when I’m sad. Even if someone kills me or something does, I’ve still done a lot, and that’s something. I went to a foreign country without a service dog once, and made friends with several people from other countries, so I’d say that‘s good enough






Y’all are right about the stress going away when I’m not home. At the hospital today I felt so safe and I felt my shoulders relax. I didn’t realize I was being so vigilant otherwise. And this was while being top-half naked for a nurse and two confused doctors (the gown they gave me — so comfy)

I’ve been hanging out with my mom all day and we’re having a blast and we fed three people who needed help today. And i saw most of my friends today. It was so nice

 

[Freida]

My bird is gonna make it ??

yay!!!!

Poodles don’t shed much...

SD is a golden doodle and he sheds very very little. But. He needs to go to the groomers about every 6 weeks because he has more human like hair than fur and that gets spendy quick

Trauma was just a new obstacle in my path. It didn’t change me. At my core I never lost me

Good girl!!!!!! yea!!!! huge revelation!!!! happy dance!!!

A thought about your illnesses -- could it be black mold? that is a thing in the northwest because it's damp, but bestie had it in her house in the midwest after a sewage spill and they don't usually have it. It is extremely toxic and can cause all sorts of symptoms. And a hoarder house? Yea, that would be a breeding ground. Might be worth looking into?

 

[littleoc]

I had another nightmare, but this one was unusual. It was Brandi wanting sex. Not with me, but with Fungus. He said sex is a bit of a waste of energy for him, and not appropriate. She said she wouldn’t want to hurt him. (Really happened at one point.) Then there was a hot bath with knives hidden inside and I was expected to be a man. Long story short.

Feels gross.





I learned that me keeping myself really, really clean isn’t just about controlling my sleep. It’s supposed to help keep nightmares cleaner, and supposed to prevent me from carrying filth all day. This hoarded house might be coming to mind, but it’s actually not what I mean this time. I mean that (bare with any subtle descriptions, I’m very ashamed of this (not in the trauma way)) other student and even teachers seemed to know I was disgusting. They kept commenting on it every day. I am afraid of disgusting people more than anything else.

There’s a long history to that, but it started when I was a baby and cost me a lot of love. i was neglected by parents and by teachers and schoolmates. Bullied frequently, by teachers and schoolmates, but mostly by teachers. It took me effort in highchool to become un-afraid of basketballs.





Happier thing to keep me from going crazy today:
My mom told me a memory I don’t know. She apparently used to play Tijuana Brass to me, my twin, and my little bro when we were babies. We’d dance in our high chairs :)

 

[littleoc]

No wonder I’ve been craving to go back to the hospital. It’s so safe there.

I was in hospitals a lot as a kid, particularly this one I still go to. It has a different vibe than other hospitals. They follow all current research and for example put up artwork and painted walls all colors except white when that study came out that proved that I’ll people do better and heal faster in a pretty space.

The abuse I received was at another hospital. I’m on edge in all other hospitals now. But not this hospital. They used to take care of me when my parents wouldn’t. It was sad to me when my dad wouldn’t take me there when my eyes were swollen shut and my face covered in poison ivy (I’m severely allergic).

I think I should stop talking about this today

 

[ILoveLife]

You're not disgusting

 

[littleoc]

Thank you

 

[littleoc]

A teenager died from neglect at the prison, died due to complications of dehydration. The staff lied about her condition.

Creepy, but maybe now is as good a time as any to report what happened at the hospital?

News is gross this week, though. Also, I slept for so long that I may not get any work even started until 5:30 or 6:00. That makes me feel disappointed

Good girl!!!!!! yea!!!! huge revelation!!!! happy dance!!!

Thanks!!! :)

A thought about your illnesses -- could it be black mold?

Nah. But yeah. It could be mold in general.

I live in a state where black mold is the norm. It's humid here. That, and black mold isn't really any more toxic than the other molds in the area, according to the CDC. That includes mildew. But I do have a mold allergy and it wouldn't surprise me if that was part of what was making me feel bad. Part, though, because the doctors checked my lymph nodes and none of them were upset. Allergens are common this time of year here so it'd be hard to know for sure. I doubt the mold is helping, that's for sure.

 

[littleoc]

My mom is very, very judgmental. Just let people enjoy stuff