Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Haha, no pharmacy in the area have my medication! Might be a tough couple of days, not necessarily though. Just maybe extra nightmares and extra anxiety

Immediately thought of a broken air conditioner and that proctor being a bad proctor

 

[littleoc]

I wonder if that was triggered by seeing Brandi’s mom. I still can’t believe Brandi and Jamie would consider killing her/leaving her for dead. Just what the f*ck, who thinks, in a medical emergency of that nature, “Yeah, let’s just leave her here so she’ll die and it’ll look like natural causes”?

Like, the faceless guy, yeah, I understand why the doctor froze and briefly considered letting him go. With all that vomit coming from a hole. But a breathing problem? No. Not even close to the same thing. That was just selfishness. Disturbing. Who would want to kill their own mom? Even if she was a bad mom, which I did see she was?

Brandi’s mom sucked and was dangerous with all the men she exposed both of us too. But it wasn’t a crime punishable by death, exaxtly. For the record.

Don’t bother reading the quote. It’s for my own use only

It’s just that I realize that I actually saw Brandi’s mom like a day or two away from the anniversary of the bad breakup

I’ve been avoiding talking about that a bit. I got into it a little bit in July, but mostly I was trying to be proud of myself. But my brain won’t forget that glitchy-ness and the way she turned on me right after reaching out for help. I was really worried I’d made a wrong move.

But I didn’t. Thank you, Megan, for talking sense into me in the hardest moment

Good friends show themselves in the right moments. I should ask her how her semester is going, I think she’s a senior in college right now. Tough times for most

 

[littleoc]

I have never gotten therapy for the hyperthymesia — if that’s even the right diagnosis, I have doubts. I don’t remember calander days so well. Dates are hard. But I do get frustrated at gatherings like Thanksgiving when people can’t continue conversations we were having the last time we met, and don’t remember that they already told me that my cousin M is a high functioning alcoholic now (and I sort of feel like he might’ve noticed himself, earlier, if people didn’t let it be a part of his personality? But he’s an adult now)

This post is useless, I’m just covering the last one up a bit so it gets lost, lol

I am having trouble with too many memories at the moment, though. Not just traumatic ones. And the tics are not working well this month to stop them from being avoidable.

The doctors have told me that the memories are involuntary so I’ll never be normal or better, and I feel that’s rude. Because PTSD flashbacks are also involuntary but I have much less of those these days, except around fall (and luckily I LOVE fall (HALLOWEEN IS HERE-ISH AND THANKSGIVING IS SOOOOON) so that really helps me cope). Also, they said it’s a structural “problem” in my brain and therefore not changeable — but PTSD is a structural thing you can see (sort of) and I’m still doing well. And TBIs, though to be fair they couldn’t find the TBI in the MRI so it must have been healing or pretty mild :) I am not a brain expert.

 

[littleoc]

I wasn’t going to say it, but seeing my mom ask my two year old nephew for a kiss — even though I know logically this is normal — really upset me.

I’m attempting to Kick it out of my thoughts with logic. Should work eventually.

 

[bellbird]

Also, they said it’s a structural “problem” in my brain and therefore not changeable — but PTSD is a structural thing you can see (sort of) and I’m still doing well.

Heck yeah you are!
They used to think that the brain was so -fixed-, and that things that were [with the brain] would always be. But they're learning more and more that that's not always the case.

HALLOWEEN IS HERE-ISH

WE HAVE SO MANY DECORATIONS IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW YOU WOULD LOVE IT.
Seriously though, if only photos of the inside of one's house weren't so revealing, lol.
We have huuuuge spider webs (ones we put up, not just because we didn't clean haha) over the windows, and walls and lampshades. With heaps of black spiders all over them. And there are skeletons hanging on the walls, and a grim reaper hanging from the big tree in the back yard, and bats stuck up everywhere, and skulls and skeleton hands sticking up out of garden soil, and tombstones, and "keep out" in red letters on the front door, and lightbulbs that have been painted blood red, so that the light that shines out of them will be painted that colour too. *takes deep breath* annnnnnd lanterns with pumpkins and balloons and big letters that say HAPPY HALLOWEEN on the kitchen wall and trick or treat signs on doors and a cauldron filled with fake eyeballs and bright yellow and orange hazard tape with stuff like "infection zone" and "danger" written on it.

 

[littleoc]

I am sorry, @bellbird . I was putting off answering until I was happy, but today has been a very hard day. But I promise I will be chatty again soon <3

 

[littleoc]

I am not feeling safe. Anyone could be dangerous, according to my brain. I am okay outside for some reason. I panicked in the grocery store, but there was a shooting. I am holding it together near family members because I am ashamed. I should not be this frightened. But there is too much happening and I can feel my brain glitching because it’s hard to figure out what’s real when things get unreal. Several shootings and a bomb threat later, which I wasn’t even near, and I was convinced for maybe twenty minutes that I was going to lose my right leg. The health insurance representative was telling me not to worry about money, but I am worried. I am fine near people but when I’m alone again my brain is screaming at me.

And I know that sounds like run on. No pharmacy in a fifty mile radius has my medication right now. I am not safe and I want to go to the hospital. But I can’t. And I’d probably get hurt there too.

I am having disgusting nightmares. I dreamed Brandi was naked and strangling me. And I dreamed the pedophile came back again, which he’s done before in real life, to ask me to forgive him.

I am having a hard time. I tried to use my coping skills but I am not finding it useful of pleasurable. My therapist thinks I am doing well and I am too ashamed to say otherwise. She told my mom I was doing so well that she can lean on me. So I am holding it together. But even though I finally brought my service dog with me (family was preventing me for the past two months) I still panicked in the middle of the store and told my mom I was going outside. I am too weak to handle grocery stores if I’m not medicated.

And i am feeling abandoned and depressed. I have never had anyone help me with these feelings before. There is no one I can trust.

I am having a very hard time. I am overwhelmed and I head hurts.

 

[littleoc]

I didn’t want to put that in here. I’m sorry. I have been avoiding here today because I want to be a good happy influence, but I logged in anyway because I have no one who I want to know this. I am overwhelmed and out of medication. I am worthless and scared. I do not feel safe.

 

[bellbird]

Hey @littleoc
First things first, the most important thing here is you, and your safety.
Please don't feel that you need to be happy for us. We care about you because of who you are. And we care about you in times when you don't feel happy too.

I am hearing you, and I wish I could be there in some way to support you but writing posts is the best that I can do to try and help with how you're feeling.

Second thing: we need to make a safety plan because I'm hearing that you're feeling unsafe and I really do care about your safety and you.

You are not worthless. You are worth very very much.

How long have you not had medication for?
Are there any plans we can put in place right now to make you feel more safe?

 

[bellbird]

Where are you at the moment and are you with people and/or your service dog?

Is there any way of getting to the hospital?
Calling an ambulance or asking someone to drive you?

Sorry for so many questions.
I'm not trying to overwhelm you, I'm just trying to understand more about your situation so I can try and give you suggestions to help keep yourself safe.

You are important and wonderful and kind and I am so grateful that our paths have crossed.
Please stay safe.

 

[littleoc]

Your posts help, thank you

I am very tired. My safety plan may be sleep. The pharmacy was supposed to fill my prescription two weeks ago. About. They gave me a five day supply. I hoarded a bunch of it but I finally ran out after rationing it way below my recommended dose. I think feeling safe in the hospital last Wednesday made it worse.

I called them several times and they were promising me they would have it today but they don’t. No one in the entire city has it. Or the next cities over. I have to drive an hour tomorrow to get it. And there has been chaos everywhere. Threats and guns and bombs. I don’t want to go anywhere. It’s not safe.

I am in my room with the service dog. She’s taking up half the bed. She has not been feeling well, I don’t think.

There were visitors but they make so much noise that I was afraid, so I sat in the rain for hours. I think I got us sick doing that.

I am out of medication. I have been unable to take like I’m supposed to. There was a shooting.

 

[bellbird]

Hearing how very difficult your situation is right now.
My heart is going out to you, and I am sending you many many gentle hugs if you choose to accept them.

Would the hospital have your medication?
It sounds like sleeping may be a good safety plan.
Will you be safe enough to drive tomorrow, though?

There were visitors but they make so much noise that I was afraid, so I sat in the rain for hours. I think I got us sick doing that.

I relate to this so much right now.
We had visitors at our house too and they were very loud and it really stressed me as well. It's raining here too and I think I might have got myself sick too. I'm currently curled up on the floor under a blanket.

I am out of medication. I have been unable to take like I’m supposed to. There was a shooting.

Yes. And you are here on the forum talking to bellbird. And she cares a lot about you. And you are going to get through this.