It might look like I’m being stubborn, and I’m sorry!
I took me a long time to realize that my mom had done me harm, and I can’t get around the fact that she did. I am angry about it but attempting to be forgiving anyway.
Some of it I’m especially upset about. If I were a parent I am not sure how much better I’d do in some scenarios. But in other scenarios I’m sure I would do better. She’s mentally ill without help and for some reason really thinks she’s autistic, not really my business though.
even when there aren't any
It would be impossible go have no positives with a mom, though. I know I’m kind of Pollyanna-ing here in this diary a lot. But my mom really did try. She tried so hard that it was ridiculous. Then totally failed in other categories. Far from perfect, but not intentionally malicious.
Not to say I’m not angry about it, though. I consider myself to be stronger and braver in several ways, and my mom verbally agrees with this and has mentioned she thinks I’m her smartest and bravest kid. She is nice to me, I just don’t post it all the time. It’s not helping me heal to do that and I can y’all about positive things in the real world pretty easily. As long as it’s not too emotional.
I’m very angry when looking back on my teenage years. Don’t get me wrong. I feel wronged. But my siblings don’t. Which clues me in on the fact that this is part of what my doctor has warned me about with the overactive memories. As in, when I’m in a mood, I will immediately have encyclopedic knowledge of every single wrong done to me by one person. It’s very frustrating and my doctor insisted on therapy to help me remember that most these things would have been forgotten by a normal person, and most of the things feel important to me but aren’t.
That seems sort of negative, but considering I have this problem with other people (except friends I made in college, really) I don’t think it’s TOO exaggerated. I personally feel my memories are important and should be worked through, but not at the expense of everyone else. I should disrupt everyone else’s lives like that for things they might not remember.
Now, my anger surrounding that hospital and how my mom got sued after laughing at my advice, and how she claimed that I should have told her earlier about the abuse before she had to pay money, that’s f*cked up and I’m okay with being mad about it, as long as it doesn’t affect my mom.
Which is probably weird sounding, and I think I blame my dad for this. He used my mom as leverage constantly.
My mom was a good mom for the circumstances. She tried her best during the abuse and was abused herself and in a weird circumstance. Honestly, I don’t know that anything could have been done differently. I really doubt it. I am angry she shot gun wedding-ed that insane actual psycho, and I’m even angrier that her entire family abandoned her to her fate and straight up wouldn’t help even when my mom asked. It’s really complicated and no one person can be blamed, or else I’d be blaming her.
I blame my dad well enough though. He still tries to call me and be friends, but he’s straight up deplorable.
Tell her you want it to stop (because she may not realize you are against it.) If it pisses mom off? Not your problem
My mom wouldn’t mind this. I think it’s making my mom uncomfortable because she doesn’t like to make me feel uncomfortable.
But it will take me some effort to tell my therapist this. I am worried about making my therapist feel embarrassed. I feel that telling people to change too outrightly can be offensive. It has felt that way to me occasionally
Your mom allowed you to be kept in a cage. I'm sorry she was also abused but. she allowed you to be kept in a cage.
I’m not entirely convinced she knew the full extent. If she does, then that would make me ten times angrier, because I’ve seen for the first time with my nephew how kids are supposed to behave. Very humanlike. And I think my sister got fo be raised sort of normally with her sexist dad because my dad basically locked her away.
No he's not. He's hopefully going to be able to help you see the difference between what you are responsible for and what you are not so you can get some of this weight off your shoulders.
That sounds way more comforting
My mom in the past would yell at me and not ask me why I was scared. Too worried about money.
My dad would force feed them to me. They were addictive. Then he’d scream at me and push me (I have scars to prove it) if he forgot to give me one, claiming I was making him look bad in public by not being calm, and by showing signs of acting abused. Claimed I was supposed to remind him or that was proof I was trying to get out of it.
My siblings and I forced ourselves to not cough if we had a cough because he would forcefeed us way too much cough syrup to the point that it gave a little high if we coughed more than twice. He’d stare at us and wait. My mom would start yelling at him and he’d say she clearly didn’t want him to care for his kids.
My mom grew up with a Dad who acted like this. Her first husband killed kittens for fun, her second husband was sexist and was probably still her best husband despite cheating on her after his band got good enough to go on tours, and my dad was less terrifying that her first husband because he acted charming occasionally and sometimes acted romantic, which none of my mom’s previous husbands did, and my dad liked cats and didn’t kill animals which seemed like a good sign to someone who was trying to avoid a psycho.
I don’t think it’s weird that this backfired. What baffles me is that people wanted her to immediately become healthy and somehow transcend the norm she knew when she was getting threats from all sides about all the horrible things that would happen. My family will say in one sentence that it’s sad that my mom will always be mentally a teenager of young in her twenties, and then next sentence act like she did it to herself. I’d like to see them try and figure it out.
My dad is mentally trapped in the body of an adult while being a third grader mentally, but unlike my mom he is malicious and thinks it’s funny to hurt people. He’s a kid with no parental guidance even though, unlike my mom, his parents were around.
