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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

I also had a particularly bad dream last night too — of my dad trying to rape me, but failing, and then I lied about him doing it for attention. I have no idea why I had that dream.

Except fearing that I’m lying about the pedophile. I’m deeply, deeply worried that I told it to Brandi as a part of a story and it got incorporated into my reality somehow. I’m worried my entire past is just a story I made up. My therapists tell me this is common but I didn’t tell anyone about Brandi believing fake things I said until recently, so they didn’t know what was fueling my fear. I would have been over these traumas by now if it weren’t for her. I bet my little brother would have been allowed to go to that cool school if I hadn’t met her.
 
Ya, it's common.

I used to fear lying about my father too, not so much anymore.. so there's hope! :)
I think subconsciously it goes like - I must be lying, it didn't really happen - ahhh that's better!

Hun, you really need to start getting a move on leaving that place. If you do *something* about it, it will make you feel better. Plans are good, but without practice they're just as important as dreams.
 
Sietz said:
It's definitely the kind of thing a druggy says :p
Click to expand...
Lol :P People claim id be a fun drunk, but I haven’t tried it.

Sietz said:
You think?

Can you call your grandparents?
Put a move on your plan.
Click to expand...
I don’t think I’m ready to. I want to get an income first so I can prove I’m not trying to use them. I don’t want them to feel used or wonder if I like them as people. They put up with so much shit from my dad.

I was thinking, after I get my driver’s license, I would look for jobs, get one. Then ask for help. With the promise of being independent and not trying to rely on them. Though, they paid for my education in an expensive place, and paid an extra 20,000$ for my health, well being, and even just experience. They spend so much on me.... and they even paid for my sister’s wedding even though she’s not even their grandchild. They’re known in town for being really philanthropist-y. They gave even more than that to the high school band program to make sure my brothers (and I while I was in it) had the best equipment.

Anyway, I’m just trying to say that maybe I’m being a little too fearful. They seem to feel sad that we grew up poor. But are afraid to blame my father completely. They bought him an entire house.

So I guess what I’m actually afraid of is being asked about this house. My little brother broke down and told my grandmother about what it’s like here. My grandmother had heard a rumor that the house was actually somehow worse than it is now. But some abuse is in the way and I can’t talk about it. I just go mute. I am terrified of upsetting my mom? She was really upset when my little bro told her. And then my mother sister told her.

That was when my grandma bought us a dumpster and a refrigerator. She told my little brother that she’d do anything to help us. So I guess I’m more afraid than I was letting on, and Friday gave me a huge f*cking wake up call about it and then I got too terrified to reply because I thought my mom would see the thread?

Which is weird, because my mom isn’t abusive. I dunno. It’s weird. I don’t know why I am acting how I am about this. And I won’t discuss my dad with my grandparents. I think it would hurt them.

But I will move away. From here. And have somewhere comfortable to live.

I am still thinking of asking for help getting a house I liked. I know it sounds crazy spoiled, but. You know. But there’s got to be apartments around here too.

Sorry for being rambly today, I am think-y today
 
Honestly? Be upfront. No need to talk about the abuse that happened there, things as they are are horrible enough and they do already know about it. Say you can't handle it, that you need help. Maybe a cheap apartment, something to get started? Pay them back in monthly installments? Draw up a plan with them, be upfront about not wanting to take advantage but really needing their help.

You've got nothing to lose in doing it.
 
That’s true. Living in a tent is more pleasant.

It’s not that I hate my mom. I’m heavily dissatisfied and disappointed. But not hateful.

Thanks for being here :hug:

Oh. By the way, obituary mystery solved. My uncle lied about going to the same school as my mom. He was in Philadelphia, like I thought. My grandparents were in the symphony there before starting a business down south. They never lived in New Jersey. :)
 
We know you don't hate your mom. You're right to be angry though. It's an impossible situation... your mom's MO seems to be to drag other people into *her* impossible situations. You got caught up in a bunch of them, but I do think you know it's time to get out of that cycle, right?

I'm continuously worried about you there. I would physically remove you if I could.
 
I found out by looking up my grandpa on IMDb, a bunch of film and music sites, and Wikipedia (and a history book quoted in the page about his uncle).

Aka, my uncle lied about his origins in the Information Age, making him look like a dick even after death. Haha.

He was pretty okay. Probably a dangerous sociopath. I won’t talk about the bad things he did. But he was more impulsive than my father and didn’t hurt anyone but his own kids. Maybe his sister. And he met his wife at a midget strip club. I hated that woman. Not when I first met her though. She was a huge help once.

Why am I typing so slowly today?

Yeah, I want to live my own life now. I’m sick of being secretive about things. I’m sick of having to convince my grandma to not come here.

I’m also a little scared that my grandma or grandpa would evict my mom without us being around. But that’s probably not their style. And even if it was, I would probably be able to get her housing in the senior community nearby. No. She could. Is what I mean. She makes money.
 

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