Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[ILoveLife]

You're not everyone's savior, hun.

You've always put yourself second to everyone, everyone's needs, wants, issues, etc.

Seriously, though, this is not a blame issue, more in the sense of we do put ourselves in the position of being needed. Others start relying on us, it becomes a snowball.

 

[littleoc]

My sister didn’t have the same last name as anyone in our family. She really hurt me us, but I don’t think she meant to. I think she was in the same shoes I am now. Not wanting to leave my mom behind. She’s been inviting us over almost every night for dinner. Even on nights when she’s clearly exhausted. Her husband is a bit mean. But not abusive, though he verbally attacks me just as much as he did when I was a teen. I think he’s depressed and lonely. He tells me he likes me so maybe he’s jealous. He keeps insulting my education, but he didn’t finish undergrad because he started drinking so much that he lost the money he needed and his grades suffered. He’s trying to make himself feel better. In a not so healthy way.

 

[littleoc]

You're not everyone's savior, hun.

This will sound 100% crazy but I feel like I should be. Because Fungus is. But even he sleeps.

I think I should try to be more realistic though. You’re right.

we do put ourselves in the position of being needed

Maybe that’s what’s up....

And yet I also want to be super independent. That might be hard to mix, lol

 

[littleoc]

Oh, update on the stealing issue — I think I’ve decided to bring the issue up with my therapist. To help keep me accountable.

I haven’t stolen anything in a while though. After my mom lost her job, I stole a book. I wanted to return it because my one promise to myself is that I wouldn’t steel a book. But then I realized that I’ve stolen four these last couple of months. And I didn’t even do it consciously. Which is embarrassing. I am starting to think that people are just letting me get away with it at this point. I’m not exactly well hidden, with a dog following me.

Also took four cans of soup. I feel really bad about that. Gifted one to my mom. She said it was delicious.

 

[ILoveLife]

ahah, yeah I get that. I think the independence needs actually comes from the feeling of needing to be needed :P just something I see in myself.
I go from "I would love if this person would just LISTEN to me" to "I don't need anyone!" :P

 

[littleoc]

I go from "I would love if this person would just LISTEN to me" to "I don't need anyone!" :p

Yeah!!! That!!!! That’s exactly it!!!!!

 

[ILoveLife]

oh sorry the ahaha was not at the stealing issue.
I think it's good that you want to be held accountable for that.

 

[ILoveLife]

This will sound 100% crazy but I feel like I should be. Because Fungus is.

Doesn't sound crazy at all.

 

[littleoc]

Lol I knew what you meant, no worries! I’d be shocked if you had a stealing problem

I’m kinda shocked I still have one honestly. This city seems to be just letting me do it. I am wondering if they think I broke after they saw my dad in the same grocery store I was in. A lot of people were staring.

 

[littleoc]

My dad grew up in Philadelphia, so he isn’t fully used to the attention but he LOVES it. He looked at my mom and tried to set him up with his boy toy. Creep.

 

[ILoveLife]

I did have a stealing problem! I got over it, maybe outgrew it? It basically solved itself out when I came to a resolution over my fear of authority - I think I did it as vendetta to how I saw the world? It kinda went away when I realized things aren't as black and white as my mind made them out to be, there isn't exactly a need to be angry all the time, lashing with behaviors that are out of character for me.

 

[littleoc]

Whoa, this might be odd but that made me feel just as better (is that even a valid phrase? lol) as when somerandomguy told me it was normal for a kid :0

I can’t quite place why I’m doing it yet. Definitely related to fear of not having enough, with the soup. Or being unable to get nice things. Especially toys. Plushes and pillows in particular. My dad wouldn’t let me own a pillow until my mom just got us some behind his back.

But I feel like there might be more to it. Because it feels really rewarding when I get away with it. Even if I feel bad.