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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

I am very anxious and the only thing I can link it to is the congregation treating me kindly. I’m trying not to be secret about it this time to make myself feel safer. My dad isn’t here to judge me. And if he does, that’s his problem.

Or maybe I’m scared the nice people will turn out to be not nice? But it’s not like I still can’t just walk off if I need to.

I went to a Christian Church as a kid for about a year or so. My dad allowed it as a cultural exploration. It was a nice community but they insisted that we had moral injuries. My little bro had some sad memories there but I bet he doesn’t remember them. Because my dad suddenly got cruel about it and my mom participated. It still hurts to think about. I sort of wonder if it’s a combination of the events that’s bugging me now.

But that church wasn’t all bad. They didn’t like it when I asked if they could actually call themselves monotheistic, but they did teach me that I can’t say mean things about myself, and that really helped me survive childhood. Helped my lil bro too.
 
Don’t apologize! Religion is as much a part of life as anything else. I think your anxiety about the congregation is super natural. Especially considering you have negative history with that sort of situation. But I think it’s completely understandable to be nervous about having a positive experience. That’s a trust thing that I think a lot of us have to work through. We know exactly how nice a person can be on the surface and how evil they really are behind closed doors.
 
Thanks @Kubash16 :hug:

And good point. I was studying the dude helping me out because he was very kind and i was trying to make sure he was genuine. Which, no matter how empathetic I am, I obviously can’t figure out (unless I learn to mind read, but that’d be exhausting, lol).

I’m thinking this might have to do with high school and Brandi as well. I guess I’ll just talk about it real quick. To get it off of me at least.

I went to a public school because my parents began actively trying to block all religion. Especially my father. He suddenly became a hardcore atheist. Which is fine, he can believe whatever he wants, but he was forcing his kids to follow suit. He straight up threatened to make my twin brother live outside and be disowned when he became Christian (my dad’s least favorite religion for some reason). I sort of half joined the public school’s student-led (makes it legal) Christian organization, and they kept wanting me to make speeches because they knew what my dad was like. He was a terror back then that the community took a bit more seriously.

You know your dad sucks if you aren’t the only one afraid of him. Lol

My dad came to the school and ripped down every poster and started calling the school bored to yell at them about it. He made jokes about bombing the school to get rid of the Christians. Not sure how he didn’t get in legal trouble for that, but whatever.

My mom was at the same time tesching us that talking about religion is wrong and makes you look like an idiot. She would complain and get really offended if we so much as heard a folktale. One time a teacher (who did suck, but not for this reason) told us that the red on a candy cane symbolized Jesus’s blood for some people, which she obviously was saying not as a become-Christian-now thing, but my mom got really offended.

She gets offended that people are easily offended nowadays, and I don’t get it :/

Then Brandi showed up in my life and slowly banned me from religion. Probably because she wanted me to worship her.

I’m not saying that to be cute. She said she was a love goddess. I obviously didn’t go for it literally but she wanted me to.

I’m not sure why I hung out with Brandi. She was really weird and constantly made me feel dirty. She mocked everything about me. One time she came to my grandparents house, and they decided they liked her (because I did, most likely :P) and began telling her the family history.

Brandi was a bit of an idiot and started saying that my grandmother was being “pushy.” Which is not true. She was sharing something important. It’s like Brandi literally couldn’t grasp the GIANT people sitting right next to her telling her about Russia. It blows me away. They’re no Bill Gates or anything but does she not at least respect elders?

Brandi is strange. She’d get mad when teachers in public said hi to me and completely miss that maybe people don’t want to say hi to someone who’s actually glaring at them and acting like she doesn’t like them. How thick can one be?
 
Oof

Someone cut down a tree and it took me ten minutes to realize it because when I heard the thud I had an adrenaline rush and started searching the house for Slinky the cat and making sure my bird was okay because I assumed immediately that an avalanche of stuff had happened and one of the animals might be in danger

But at least I didn’t assume my dad broke in. That’s cool I guess

It was a tree getting killed

I am dramatic I guess, don’t judge me :P

Must have taken me back to that time before my lil bro organized a save-the-kitchen project. There used to be no kitchen at all. An avalanche of things blocked the way and was the last straw. Before then my mom was just carefully squeezing through the dangerous stack when she wanted in, but then it became impossible
 
I’m so glad you have such a good therapist. I live in Texas, but the smokies are literally one of my favorite places on earth so I’m really not opposed to a Tennessee vacation at some point.

I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that you are in TN right?
 

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