Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[frogthroat]

Also, about the rape dreams and Brandi telling you that "you made it up for attention" do you think that may be a way of undermining yourself? Maybe it's a way of telling yourself you don't deserve peace or happiness? I've done this plenty of times when I couldn't handle it and life at the same time especially when I've just wanted to give up. So many rape survivors go through feeling that way. You're not alone in that but it's not true so stop feeling guilty about something horrible someone else chose to inflict on you.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm sorry you've been having a rough time lately.

I think the idea of just getting ANY job and ANY place to live has a lot of merit. I think the sooner you get out of that trash pit, the better.

 

[Kubash16]

:hug: :hug: :hug: I wish I knew the right words.

 

[bellbird]

Why did I think it was okay for her to ban me from talking to them?

Same reason I thought it was ok for Z to ban me from mine I guess.
Conditioning? Manipulation? Fear?
Or some combination of the above.

I think you're pretty great at friends, from what I've seen though.
There's a whoooooole lot of us who haven't even met you in person and yet still care about you tremendously.
I think that says a great deal about your character.

Don't even worry about posting here.
That's the exact purpose of this space.
And it is understandable (understatement of the day award to me, thankyup?) that you especially need this space at the moment.

That was so so brave of you to go over to the neighbours' : again, another example that says a great deal about your character :)


Keep posting here as you need to, but I echo the others: we really really really need to get you out of there.

I know you'd probably be opposed to this as I know you don't like asking others for help, but would we be able to start you a gofundme page or something?

 

[Lionheart]

I have no words of wisdom to share, but I want you to know that I miss you and am thinking about you. I hope things take a turn for the best and work out just the way you'd like for them to.

 

[somerandomguy]

Hope you're doing ok, @littleoc.

 

[littleoc]

Thanks, guys :hug:

And I’m always okay, @somerandomguy, no worries :hug:

Am a bit upset though. A few reasons.

The antidepressant has made me so tired that I can’t drive, talk out loud, or eat. I’m feeling rage I’m not familiar with. And it isn’t even been a week.

I’ve been falling asleep at five pm and staying asleep for over fifteen hours and feeling worse than I did when that TBI prevented me from sleeping for three days.

I want to give the antidepressant one more day but I really need to get work done and do job applications. And my mom isn’t going to be much help for the food stamps because when I asked her for help she panicked and started saying how we have to hurry. She panics about everything. f*cking annoying. It’s all I wanted to talk to my therapist about yesterday. My therapist told me it’s fine I’m angry but I want there to be happy angels around me, not angry ones. Stupid house, making me need f*cking antidepressants.

Too tired to write well either. I suck compared to my classmates at the moment, but at least I’m awake enough to see that and learn from them.

There’s been a towel around the toilet for over two weeks now. My mom is just leaving it there I guess. I had to kill a cockroach who was eating something from it. OCD went insane (I killed something, and touched a gross thing) and I honest to God had to fight the urge to use bleach as soap.

Didn’t because I finally got my skin hydrated.

I want to ask the synagogue if I can start spending nights there. For f*ck’s sake.

I used to play ToonTown when I was a little child. I was how I found out Shelby wasn’t my friend. I didn’t have friends until later, because I thought my dad and pedo were my friends. My toon had 140 Laff (hp) and every gag (weapon) and a pet doodle who was maxed out on all tricks and could heal others pretty reliably. It closed down so that account is gone, but on the plus side, some groups remade the game and it’s free now. So no more fighting my dad over weather it’s okay that I play it all day :p Not that that even stopped me, lol. Games that are innocent and non triggering are great for now. As long as I stay responsible.

I’m really exhausted and feeling bad about asking my mom what was in that towel around the toilet. Because she got defensive like always. I just can’t right now. Sucks, because this is a mild antidepressant and I havent even been on it a week. Hate this house. Been living in it for a year now and it’s broken my soul. Wish I hadn’t thought it was my fault. Glad my rooms a little cleaner now than it was then. Otherwise Nestle would have been sad.

Wouldn’t have had to rent that house if Nestle hadn’t needed a house that was safe to be in after a surgery. Stupid house.

Who even leaves a wet towel around a toilet for more than an hour. That’s something a kid does, not an adult

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

 

[MrMoonlight]

Sorry littleoc, I know you will make it through this stuff. I hope you can find an antidepressant that works with your system, finding the right one for me took a long time and getting over the initial side effects is awful. Maybe sleeping at the synagogue for a time would be a good intermediate step. I really think that's a terrific idea if it's safe there.

I hope you don't take responsibility for your mother's mental health, it's not your fault. :hug:

 

[bellbird]

want to ask the synagogue if I can start spending nights there. For f*ck’s sake

I think if this is a viable option, it is an excellent idea.

Wish I could help some how.

Take it easy on the antidepressant; even the "mild" ones can make a total mess of our brains at first.
Can your GP write a note for your professors explaining that you've started on a new med so won't be up to your usual standard of work while your system adjusts?

Mine have done similar in the past.

Glad you were able to find some words to write out here. There's so much going on in your life that really isn't your fault and really isn't fair that you need to deal with.

I hope writing it out can provide some (maybe small) respite, in this place where people just want the absolute best for you.

 

[Freida]

OCD went insane (I killed something, and touched a gross thing) and I honest to God had to fight the urge to use bleach as soap.

This would make me insane and I don't have ocd. I can't imagine how hard it is for you :hug:

Sucks, because this is a mild antidepressant and I havent even been on it a week.

If it is making you rage I would give your doc a call. Extreme reactions - like rage-- may mean you need to stop taking it. I am notorious for having drug reactions and they usually show up in the first couple days. I had one reaction that made me homicidal. yep - seriously. I called the pharmacy and they told me to stop taking it immediately and to stay in my house for at least 24 hours until it got out of my system.

You may have to play with different ones until you find the one that works for you -- that's pretty normal.

 

[Freida]

have you thought anymore about asking grandparents for help? They may be afraid to offer because they think you will take it as your mom doesn't care about you.

Or - can you ask at the synagogue if anyone has ideas on where you can move? Maybe someone there has a rental or needs a roommate...