Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

I wish my dog was clean. I need help.

 

[littleoc]

I was hoping to bathe her on Friday but instead the bathroom needed cleaning. To afraid to take her back to a groomer. She was bathed recently but she laid on the floor. The floor is so gross that it isn’t even the right color. Her beds keep needing replacing because mold is trying to spread and I don’t want her to suffer.

 

[littleoc]

If i were dead, I could gift Nestle to my friend Ford. He could really use a service dog. He could take the PTSD cat I still can’t save. My sister’s husband might kill him. I need to do SOMETHING.

 

[littleoc]

I’m not going to die until I’m 103. Maybe 110, I have high expectations. Need to think up a better plan.

 

[Juso]

@littleoc I am so so so sorry. This is horrible. Do you have any people that could help you? Could you stay at a friends place for some time until your PTSD brain has calmed down a little? In this state you can't think about your future in a constructive way. This is a house full of triggers. I feel like you're being retraumatized. God I wish I could come over and get you out of there.
When you're compulsively spending money, where does this money come from? You could spend it on living in a hotel room for a few days instead. I think right now its about staying sane and surving until you have worked out a plan how to get out of there. This house is killing you.

 

[somerandomguy]

Can you get out of there for the day and go anywhere else?

 

[DharmaGirl]

Honey, your symptoms are pretty bad. Were you able to get to see your therapist sooner? Can she do a phone consult. I know they said they couldn't hospitalize you before, but things have changed. Your therapist can recommend a hospitalization until you're stable. Can your friend, Fred, take care of your service dog? You are having very bad symptoms. This is your illness, not you.

 

[Freida]

Oh hun....
Ok -- pay attention. You HAVE people who care. An entire forum full of people who understand what you are going thru and want to help and hug. Yes - they are web people but we are still people.. And we care very, very much about you.

I get why you wouldn't want to call 911, but what about a crisis line? or 211 to connect to some programs in the area? There is help out there in the real world, it's just sometimes hard to find so you need a tour guide. That's what the people at 211 can do --- connect you. There are some inpatient programs that will let you bring Nestle with you -- so make sure you ask.

Nestle will be fine -- she has one job and that is you. It's ok if she needs a bath and you haven't given her one yet. Do you have any self serve dog washes nearby? If not - dump a bunch of baking soda on her and brush her out -- it will get her clean until you can get to a bath

How about this..... Write down the names of the people who could help -- but write them down like you were me.
Who would I shove you out the door to go to? Which people would I point to and say ... none of this nonesense about how they MIGHT react.... I still want you to ask them for help because until you ask you won't know. Would that help?

Yes, you are in a tough spot right now - but I have faith in you to find a way to safely move forward. You are overwhelmed and over triggered. It. Will. Pass. I'll hold your hand till it does. Because I know how fabulous you are and I'll keep telling you that till you get to a place where you can see it too. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Update: I cleaned off the back patio, accidentally displaced but then saved a slimy salamander (that’s their species name) the size of a dime, then cleaned out the bird room again.

Then my sister went on vacation and my mom went over there and made her chili, which I missed. So I went over there. Felt WAY better and like I was back to normal.

Then drove back home, couldn’t bring myself to go in. Finally did. Immediately got snapped at. Am depressed again. Considering living in a tent again. Honestly, I could all it “hiking” and people wouldn’t look at it twice.

 

[littleoc]

By “cleaned off the back patio” I mean that I spent literally ten hours attempting to rake it and then wash it. I do mean “wash.” So much leaf litter that it had time to break down and form ultra fertile soil material. Lots of animals living in it, took forever to move all the animals to avoid hurting them.

My mom didn’t even thank me. I was doing it for myself anyway. No longer have a laptop, but that’s okay. Could eat out there maybe.

It’s not fully cleaned yet though. Too many things to repair and throw away, it’s just ridiculous.

Can’t stop remembering my mom and sister making fun of my brothers and I for trying to clean it all those years ago. This is now, what, the fourth time I’ve had to deep clean the damn thing? Sick of it. Just going to throw everything away. She would even mock my brothers right in front of them and act like it was normal. Totally normal, granted your aunt is there to laugh at them.

But not cool to do that with your daughters, I guess? Just little bro.

Little bro texted me today and wants me to visit, tho! Might save up a little cash. Love that man.

 

[littleoc]

I found a long extension cord that runs through that back yard to allow people to plug in their laptops on the table back there. I know it’s plugged in somewhere in my bird room, and I feared it shorting, so I followed the wire to see how to unplug. Can’t find it, but I do know that my sister’s husband apparently ran it underneath our house, and drilled a hole into the f*cking floor. So that’s horrifying.

Can’t believe he made fun of my dad for having an extension cord run all the way from my twin brother’s room to the backyard through his window, then drilled a hole in our f*cking floor. I bet that’s why the cave crickets keep coming up every time it floods. f*cking idiot.

It’s an outdoor-level cord but it shouldn’t be just left like that. So dumb.

 

[littleoc]

I have always been cleaning rooms in this house. Ever since I can remember. I remember being five or six and cleaning the living room because I thought it’d be cool if we had a working front door for when visitors care, and also would be nice to catch the bus from that direction. Luckily the door stayed unblocked for years. My dad hated me for it.

I have cleaned that room about, what, four times now? It never matters. Last time my sister said she didn’t understand why I liked fish and said I needed to put my mom first, like what my dad used to say, and then she forced me to neglect them to death. I still hear the filter running on air when I walk through and it’s giving me nightmares.