Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Freida]

Random idea......
Go to walmart or some other cheap store and get a 3X5 or 5x8 blue tarp and lay that down on the floor whenever you have to walk into bathroom or any other icky room. Then you are on top of the nastiness instead of in it.... it would keep your feet (and nestles) feet from ever having to touch anything dirty.

Maybe??

 

[littleoc]

Yeah, as I kid I was so uncoordinated that I would miss high fives all the time, so my classmates would high five me on purpose.

SAME. They thought it was hilarious D: And my twin brother and I can’t whistle either (or snap) so everyone would ask for us to try all the time D:

Random idea......
Go to walmart or some other cheap store and get a 3X5 or 5x8 blue tarp and lay that down on the floor whenever you have to walk into bathroom or any other icky room. Then you are on top of the nastiness instead of in it.... it would keep your feet (and nestles) feet from ever having to touch anything dirty.

Maybe??

Hey, a tiny tarp wouldn’t be a bad idea...





Update tho: everything went better than expected. My mom saw I was distressed and cleaned it. I accidentally left wet towels downstairs tho. Forgot about them until just now.

Also my sister’s husband (the one who makes fun of me all the time) apologized and said he does actually like me, and thought he was just teasing me. He says he’s bad with people but is willing to help me with my car at any time. Neat.

And my dad DID send my little bro a card... which was NOT a good thing. My dad sent it with no words and no return address. Which means my grandparents gave him my little bro’s address. Long, troubling story short. Might discuss it later.

And I took my snake Nudge to the reptile expo! He had fun. People loved him.

GREAT EVENT, THEY HAD EVERYTHING. Including wolves. So now I know that only clothes/curtains/blankets/tapestries with wolf images on them are triggers. Because the wolves only activated my inner biologist, who did work with saving red wolves. And come to think of it, I chose to do that in undergrad. So I’d say that ACTUALLY wolves are not a trigger, as long as no one treats them inappropriately.

I’m glad I had some fun today, because the national weather service told us that we may have “strong tornadoes” that could form very quickly and last an hour (give or take (mostly take)) so I’m probably going to sleep kind of terribly. Oh, well. Thunder is always nice! I’ll need to unplug my new computer for sure tho

 

[Kubash16]

Sorry about the weather, we’ve got a nasty system pulling through right now too.

 

[littleoc]

Dang, stay safe, @Kubash16! So far nothing big has happened yet. Some flooding, but we’re upland. So unless the underground spring causes a mini-landslide, no issues yet. Yay!

—

I remember now why I was afraid of contacting my grandparents for help. They can be... unpredictable. It’s too stressful to talk about now, so previously I must have ejected it from my memory.

They are very generous, loving people. It’s the main cause of all the issues, because (1) their boundaries are nonexistent when it comes to my dad, who continues to steal from them while his kids were struggling to make ends meet, and (2) if anything offends them or implies that they were not respected, or their family members aren’t talking to my dad....

Anyway, I have a really hard time with drama and I don’t know why. My mom and little brother are in the right, and I don’t know what to do — I think nothing, so I’m going to try to forget about it for now. I guess. I’m not sure if that’s the best thing to do or not, seriously. But I can’t get myself to talk about it AT ALL so I will need to figure that out before I can expect feedback, I think.

My little brother DOES have a right to not talk to his dad, though. Just because my dad is crazy doesn’t mean we should accept it.

Ugh, this stresses me out to much. It’s making me think of the septic tank thing all over again.





But good news, I got a cool fossil.

 

[littleoc]

By “can’t talk about it AT ALL” I mean I physically can’t talk the moment the issue is brought up. It’s infuriating because it makes me feel useless and like a child. My mom told me about it like three times and the third time when she said what happened I straight up panicked. I don’t even know why. It’s so frustrating.

 

[littleoc]

I ended up just commenting on the first part she said, as if she hadn’t said the second part. And then worried for two hours that my mom might read into it and think I don’t care or think she’s nuts when it’s was the other person who was being nuts.

Then I got weird for a bit and got temporary mad that my mom told me about it, but I’m seriously unsure what normal conversation is like in a situation this... bad/weird, i guess. But I decided that being mad at my mom for trying to talk about it with me might be stupid. But I’m genuinely not sure if it is or not. And then I realized I was overthinking it but STILL can’t figure out what’s normal.

But typing that makes me think that I don’t know if my/out behavior isn normal because the situation isn’t a normal thing.

I wish this house was clean so we could sell it. I’m starting to get terrified that... actually, no, I’m not talking about it.

 

[littleoc]

Oh, that massage went fine, by the way. I was in pain the entire time though. All my muscles are strained :( I guess that’s what I get for being unable to afford physical therapy.

An 87-year-old lady (she looked like 59) told me that when she was my age, she could barely afford an 8$ wedding dress, and she looks back on those days with a lot of nostalgia. I’m trying to keep that in mind. I’m well off, comparatively, and much more privileged in some ways.

I do need to get a puppy tho.

I think I’d love a service pig!! ? Who needs laws??

Positive thing: I got a noise machine! And I haven’t stolen anything this year at all!!

And Nestle has a new bed now!!

 

[littleoc]

I don’t really know what to think. I’m really tired — tired enough to hear weird things (it sounded like there were crickets walking around in a cup? Some are escaping somehow tho, so I dunno) — so I can’t worry too much. But I don’t think we are able to make the choices we do the way we say? If that makes sense? On this site I keep hearing (reading) that we chose to be this way, and I agree. We chose to be better. But I have no idea why. Not in a “I’d rather abuse people way,” I mean I don’t understand the process and I’m stuck again trying to figure out why my family is so messed up.

I did learn that there is a disorder known by professionals that is specifically caused by an abusive mother with a passive father. I started comparing how freebird (I think it’d be rude to tag people in a 4am dump) managed to come out okay but my dad went beyond nuts. He’s straight up delusional. But it isn’t his fault. He wasn’t allowed to be a child. He wasn’t allowed to be himself, or anything. I haven’t really described what I know because I don’t feel I know enough? Psychologists agree that having an abusive mother, a passive father, and no childhood does something to you.

Meanwhile my mother had a distant, sexually obsessed mother and a dad who was put in an orphanage while both his parents were still alive with no explanation of why they kept his sister and not him. Also he served in a war. No biggie, apparently. (I mean that no one talks about it.) And my mother remained in abusive relationships — went straight from her crazy parents’ relationship to her first husbands who was best known for killing kittens to see what it looked like, to my sister’s dad who thought my mom wasn’t a person (dude has serious trauma, he was told by his dad “we don’t cry over a woman” after he found the dead body of his mom when he was seven), and then married my dad after my dad got her pregnant and she didn’t do abortions. My mom did have friends but when AIDS happened, they all died. Horribly and pretty much alone, long story short.

So to expect more of my mom is... ignorant. She’s had her life goals flipped over and has no idea how to live life. So why in the world would she “choose” to behave any differently? She can, but it’s not exactly an instant process. My uncle — my mom’s brother — tried but he ended up with one of the nation’s worse cases of schizophrenia, which psychologists decided was because of his traumatic childhood. Also, my entire family watched him starve to death. Because the doctors said it was the “best” they could do. They told us to only let him drink sprite while he begged us for Manwhich. I can’t stop thinking about it.

 

[littleoc]

My dad had his house burned down when he was a little kid. One of the only things that survived the fire was a wooden fire station his grandpa from Russia made for him. (He could make really awesome stuff.) It’s sitting on top of a bookshelf in the bird room and it makes me think. Its smoke stains give me chills. But it was back when my dad was probably more normal.

Or maybe not. I say that because his brother was just as f*cked up as he is. (Yeah, that’s right, we watched TWO uncles die long, painful, haunting deaths. You could literally see the fear in his eyes, when he got trapped in his own body because it died before he did...) And two f*cked up competing kids is exactly what their mom wanted.

My dad’s mom was insane. And my dad’s dad is wealthy and able to continuously enable him EVEN when he abuses children. The only reason my grandparents paid for my mom to get a divorce was because I got in the way.

Which makes it weird that they hate on my little brother all the time and not me. But my dad favors me, so. My dad HATES my brother.

I have no idea what my grandpa went through to think this is normal, but it makes me concerned. I know his uncle commit suicide but only because my brother and I found it in a history book. We know he saw things in Russia too, as did my great grandfather, because that’s been said. That was when it was popular to rape and kill Jews legally, pretty much. Complex story short. Who knows what they saw.

Anyway, I’m just confused again. I’m proud of myself for choosing to be who I am. But the truth is that I’ve always been empathetic. My dad trained me to be like him, and if it hadn’t been for a specific set of circumstances, who knows where I’d be. It took me having my little brother start abusing me back (verbally/emotionally) for me to realize something was wrong. And my mom didn’t know enough either, I guess?

And my dad has had no opportunity to better himself. He continues to make awful decisions with questionable people, and I hate him but I can’t agree that he chose this. Dude has his parents bailing him out of literally everything.

My mom even less so. Because she’s been playing victim.

I just think it’s wrong to say that we’re choosing, 100%. We became conscious of it and THEN we chose. Some people aren’t privileged enough to become conscious of it. Some die horribly first.

I’m glad my mom’s brother was so delusional from the hunger that he kept having to be reminded that he was going to die. I guess we couldn’t afford hospice care.

I know, I’m just a twenty-something ranting about how life ain’t fair. But you know it’s true that there WAS a time that you had no idea that something you did was wrong, or you didn’t know better yet about how to escape your abuse so you assumed it was because something was wrong with you. It’s not a choice.

If it was, the marshmallow test done on those toddler’s wouldn’t have been debunked. I’m too tired to explain that though.

 

[littleoc]

....if you read that, keep in mind that I’m proud of anyone who knows how to get help like us and actually puts the work into it. :)

 

[littleoc]

Also I might be messed up from killing fruit flies. I couldn’t bring myself to actually squish them though. It’s a long story.

Also my personality changed a little again. I’ve suddenly found that I don’t want to talk to anyone and I assume they don’t care about what I say or think I’m weird. This is not normal for me at all but I’m working on it. My goal is to gain my confidence back a little at a time. Which involves risk, of course. Risk, according to my brain, which in this case is doing all the things.

I keep getting flooded with memories of how useless I am. I keep having massive medical emergencies every time I try to do something risky, like go to another country. It’s sort of making me feel completely incompetent. I’m trying to tell my brain that it’s wrong.

Maybe if I post about THAT it will help? :D

Anyway. Hope y’all are asleep! I think I’m going to go read a book.

 

[littleoc]

This is not normal for me at all

Okay. That’s actually not true. My school years were terrible. But I’m really optimistic about everything so I still believe they went the best they could.

I sure did get beat up a lot while the teachers looked away — if they weren’t actively participating in it themselves. I was very hated.

For being gay and for being related to my dad. Everyone also accused my twin brother and I of being incestuous all the time so eventually my twin brother stopped talking to me completely. I haven’t talked about it here because it’s too painful to think about, because it just didn’t make sense. There was nowhere any of us could go where we weren’t treated like animals. Last time I visited the high school we went to (as alumni), a teacher literally asked me if my little brother was in jail yet for a not-criminal thing that happened on accident (NO ONE WAS HURT) when he was fifteen. Because he looks like my dad, I guess? And they hate my dad because he didn’t worship their god, not because he was raping anyone. Makes sense.

My little bro was liked a lot in elementary though. He was in a wheelchair and the other kids always competed to be the one to push him around and help him do stuff. My little bro spent his childhood in a wagon and a wheelchair. My dad hates him for that for some reason. My dad needs therapy.

I hate my dad but have no idea if my dad even knows that he’s in the wrong. He’s so delusional that it doesn’t make sense. I know he COULD get better but nothing is allowing it. He never suffers consequences. He was allowed to beat up and rape my mom and ADMIT to purposefully exposing her to something known to cause cancer. But not even the judge cared.

Anyway. I’m gonna go read so I can clear my head before trying to sleep.