Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Thanks @Freida :hug:

I think she might know she behaved inappropriately. She took down her public post on it. I haven’t heard any apologies.

And, about the mosquitoes — weird!!!! I’m glad we can’t feel those on the zebra mosquitoes! Yikes D: D: And thank you for sharing that!!! That is fun! And kind of horrifying :laugh:

 

[littleoc]

(1) Knowing my brother has PTSD is making me angry at everyone, including myself. I know I was a child — and, even more importantly, I did nothing to anyone that would be considered a criterion A for PTSD. That was my dad. But, the thing is. People act like I’m normal compared to him? Teachers, my family, my dad. And I get why my dad would pick a favorite and hate the crap out of my brother. And I hate my dad so it doesn’t matter. But why did other people do it? It’s making me sick. I didn’t care when I saw them treating me weirdly, but suddenly realizing people treated him worse and even make public announcements that he’s a liar. That he’d stab people and shouldn’t be trusted — no wonder he thinks he’s a sociopath. It’s what everyone’s telling him. They made him think his reactions were abnormal and that he was a freak for being upset.

But I can’t escape that guilt myself. I am not exactly innocent in this. My dad encouraged me to be cruel, first of all. My dad would let me get away with things that my siblings could not. Even my grandparents — they bought me everything I needed, but neglected to make sure my brothers were clothed or getting proper medical care or dental care. And when I brought that up with them, they cut me off for several years. I went to school in clothes that made other kids SORRY for me. They made fun of me for all kinds of things, but not that. That was too sad.

I don’t really know how to voice my guilt. I know I was manipulative, but I also know I didn’t understand it at the time. But I am disgusted when I find myself comforting myself. If I DON’T feel guilty, then I am exactly like my dad. I SHOULD feel guilty, because my brother didn’t get the support I did. Mostly because I learned to go ask for it directly, and my little brother tried to show it through very visible self harm — and that’s when be almost killed himsef because my mom straight up wouldn’t listen to me. Even though you could SEE the massive injuries. MASSIVE. And no one reported it?

I just feel I didn’t do enough. Worse, I see I did harm. This is a much different feeling from when Brandi convinced me I was abusing her. Because no one is telling me to feel this way. So instead of the “you have a right to let go of your guilt” feeling I taught myself after years with Brandi not being allowed to drink water because I was tricking her (long story short), I now have a “you don’t feel bad enough” feeling.

I suppose I need to let it run its course. But that feels wrong and selfish. I got help for my PTSD at age 13. My brother was told he had behavior issues and was a problem child.

I might explain later.

One memory that’s really bothering me is one that has been messing me up for years. Brandi and I and my brother were in the backyard talking about our traumas. Brandi thinks trauma is cool. So she was sort of bragging, and my brother and I were discussing it too.

My brother suddenly says that my dad has been molesting him and worse for years.

I was unsure what to do. Brandi told me he was probably lying for attention. I got really worried. Either way my brother was about to... have problems. I was in this bad relationship where I had to lie daily. So I became an utter retard at the ripe age of 13 and went to my sister. I told her that my brother was .... lying. I don’t understand why I thought this? Because I didn’t? I remembered VERY CLEARLY very suspicious behaviors my dad would do, to all of us. I remembered that the whole reason DCS was called was because my brother told a teacher that my dad was going into his room drunk at night touching his scrotum. When my brother told me this, we were 10 and 11. I believed him. It didn’t occur to me to think it was bogus. It also didn’t occur to me to be a lie. It was a thing my brother said.

So basically I was raised to hate him but it never really worked. When my brother threatened to kill me in elementary school I didn’t stop talking to him. Instead we played dollhouse. He and I LOVED to play dollhouse.

So maybe my memories are messed up somewhat. But the point still stands that I was not as kind to him as I should have been, and the guilt I feel over that — it’s crippling. I wish an adult around me had been responsible. I didn’t know I wasn’t required to fix everything and the echoes of that are still really bothering me.

 

[littleoc]

(2)
My grandparents are confusing me. I can’t tell if I’m crazy or not about them controlling family members with money. But now that I’ve calmed down, I’m sorting through the evidence and I have to agree with anxiety-induced me. Something is wrong.

My grandmother texted me just after the incident and acted like nothing was amiss. Over text you can’t what someone’s intentions are, but I felt that maybe she was checking to see if I still like her or was mad at her for threatening my mom and brother. Or maybe she was up to something worse, because the only thing she said was asking me if I have a job yet and abruptly ended the conversation after I said I had an appointment with a career specialist. It was not in a I-was-distracted way (just take my word for it, I’m not gonna post a screenshot of the exact words she said), and she used a weirdly professional tone. So I am worried, again, that she’s waiting for me to be not affected for she can take revenge out on my mom. For literally no other reason but asking her to quit giving personal details to our dad. Who stalks my mom and doesn’t like his own kids. She acts like we kids don’t feel guilty for not checking up on him and his pathetic life.

 

[littleoc]

(3)
I’m awake at a dumb hour AGAIN before a holiday service at the synagogue. So once again I may be unable to attend something I planned to go to.

It’s the nightmares. It’s an anniversary but of a mild trauma. The tornadoes that leveled the county. I still like tornadoes and find them interesting, but the more trauma work I do, the more I realize that the excited feeling was... something else. Not quite panic. But not a good feeling at all.

I just keep hearing the robot and human voices repeating “this is a life threatening situation” and “get below ground now or else you will not survive.”

The “below ground” bit was horrifying because we had no underground shelter. We were 500 children crammed in a hallway with a teacher screaming that we needed to be “stacked” in the bathroom or else we’d be sucked out or crushed. I say “screaming” but she was just whispering. Memory distortion I think.

Our house survived. The bus driver was insane and drove through a funnel to get us home. We had to hide under bus seats knowing that if it touched down on us we were dead. When I got off the bus with my brother (same brother from the last post), the air was moving straight upward for some reason and it was so quiet outside.

I am having bad nightmares where I have to hide from tornadoes in very not-safe locations (like under tables or behind couches) while a human voice or the National Weather Servive bot’s voice speaks after a long creepy beep and says, “This is a life threatening situation.” Every time I hear that phrase, I feel incredibly unsafe, even if it’s sunny outside. I can’t stand the feeling.

Last yoga session, a storm hit. I knew it would because I’d been watching the damn thing arrive for hours. But the sound of the rain on the roof ruined my ability to be present. Nestle agreed, which was honestly not helpful, but she was right — the sound proved that the roof above us was not stable. It was just aluminum and had no ceiling or anything else. We were in an incredibly unsafe location for severe weather.

I stopped doing yoga and was back watching the storm on the radars. I was rehearsing the lines in my head which I’ve now used several times (the calm, collected “there’s a tornado warning” speech I’ve had to use as a manager several times to employees and customers alike) and that made me feel calmer.

So, basically, I need a plan. I need to feel I’m in control by leading people to safety with knowledge I know. That’s important, because in my dreams I’m still a helpless child following adults into extremely unsafe situations. Which happened in reality because the adults around me weren’t trained.

 

[littleoc]

I am having bad nightmares where I have to hide from tornadoes in very not-safe locations (like under tables or behind couches) while a human voice or the National Weather Servive bot’s voice speaks after a long creepy beep and says, “This is a life threatening situation.” Every time I hear that phrase, I feel incredibly unsafe, even if it’s sunny outside. I can’t stand the feeling.

Just wanted to add that the sound of beeping is also making me incredibly anxious. The fact that we had fall and winter tornadoes this year didn’t help.

Also, I’ve discovered that ANY sounds of things moving in this house is a full blown trigger. My aunt came by to set up a printer and had to move things. The sounds were so terrifying to me that I felt I had to escape and snapped at Nestle when she didn’t understand. I feel very guilty about snapping at Nestle. Very. I was panicking and I don’t fully understand why I thought we were in danger.

It made me late to a Seder dinner, almost. The fact that the drive there was scary must have influenced my dreams. The drive had a lot of wrecked cars every other mile, and lots of ambulances and police cars tonight. It must have messed with me more than I thought.

My mom has straight up seen horrors on the interstate so I should count myself lucky.

 

[littleoc]

The Seder dinner was great though. It was a full meal. First I’ve had in a while! Being unemployed stinks. I think it’s time for me to ask the Jewish Federation for confidential food support.

Also, I had a good time! And met a friend’s mom who, like my mom, can’t walk. It’s weird but stuff like that makes me feel less alone. Maybe I can invite my mom to the next Seder. She might like it. She grew up catholic and celebrated Easter really casually, in the way the pagans of the neighborhood do.

We live in a pretty okay spot.

 

[littleoc]

The synagogue even has spare wheelchairs.

I would like to buy my mom a wheelchair so she can go out more. She misses going on hikes and it makes me so sad.

 

[littleoc]

I am pretty proud of myself for going to yoga anyway. It was a good thing, because I could see the storm wasn’t producing tornadoes nearby. (To put it simply.) But knowing the roof was not what I thought it was scared me. And Nestle, who was on duty.

But I know I can handle situations like that, so I was able to calm down, as long as the radar was visible. So I did yoga while keeping an eye out for rotations (which is hard to do but the NWS would have sent a warning within a minute of something suspicious so it’s okay).

I’ve had to convince employees to stay with me in a shelter instead of trying to drive to their dorms in a tornado warning, while calmly explaining to them why I couldn’t allow them to leave the shelter yet (a warning may mean that you may have minutes to get to your shelter and should always be taken seriously). It was scary. But I was calm enough that they and a few customers didn’t remember to be scared until afterward. So that’s what I hold onto when I feel scared.

I feel more scared if I think about what to do about a shooter situation with my mom present, because like the Department of Homeland Security told me, she’d be a sitting duck. (Thanks, DHS...)

 

[littleoc]

I’m tired.

 

[Teasel]

Sounds understandable that you're tired @littleoc Sounds like a lot you're going through just now :hug:

 

[Freida]

But I can’t escape that guilt myself. I am not exactly innocent in this. My dad encouraged me to be cruel, first of all. My dad would let me get away with things that my siblings could not.

I don’t really know how to voice my guilt. I know I was manipulative, but I also know I didn’t understand it at the time.

But I am disgusted when I find myself comforting myself. If I DON’T feel guilty, then I am exactly like my dad. I SHOULD feel guilty, because my brother didn’t get the support I did.

oh hun. Exactly how do you think you should have taken on your dad? He is a nutjob who was pitting his children against each other for his own amusement. Do you really think you could have seen what was happening or had any idea what to do with it? You forget that you are looking back now at the actions of a child thru the eyes of an adult.

Do you have anything to feel guilty about? Sure. All children do mean crap - because they are children. What's supposed to happen next is that the parent intervenes and takes it as a teaching moment to explain why its bad to be mean. In your case --- your parent encouraged that behavior. So how in the world would you have known what you were doing was wrong? What is more surprising is that you can look back now and say "huh - I was really mean," Most kids who grow up with dads like yours are never able to make that jump.

ven my grandparents — they bought me everything I needed, but neglected to make sure my brothers were clothed or getting proper medical care or dental care. And when I brought that up with them, they cut me off for several years.

So the punishment for speaking up was to be banished. Ya - because that is what you are supposed to do to kids. Punish them for caring about another human being. (and yes -- that was sarcasm!!! :hug: )

I suppose I need to let it run its course. But that feels wrong and selfish. I got help for my PTSD at age 13.

Is it bad that you got help and your brother didn't? Yep - its horrible.
Is it your fault that you got help and your brother didn't? Nope -that's a total and compete parental failure

So I became an utter retard at the ripe age of 13 and went to my sister. I told her that my brother was .... lying. I don’t understand why I thought this?

Because you were a traumatized 13 year old who couldn't face the idea that her brother was going thru what she had gone thru.

You give yourself way to much importance in your childhood. Kids are helpless. I know you don't want to hear that -- but again, you were. You were being raised by a pshyco who was trying to turn you into a copy of himself. Why did he pick you? Because this, because that , because the other--- you will never know. It was how the stars aligned. You may never know why.
But he didn't win.
You are carrying HIS guilt not yours
Children can't be guilty because of how they were raised. Especially children who choose a different path. Like you did.

This is a life threatening situation.” Every time I hear that phrase, I feel incredibly unsafe, even if it’s sunny outside. I can’t stand the feeling.

uhmmm... duh. Darlin it's a tornado warning! It could kill you. You are SUPPOSED to feel afraid. :)

 

[littleoc]

Hmmmmmm.

I'll get back to that.

I just wanted to add that I "caught" the bouquet at my aunts' wedding :D (She handed it to me, lol)