Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

That’s what it’s called in English too, I think. Yellow passion fruit, right? The whole fruit, or a supplement of some kind? Could really do with some sleep.

 

[littleoc]

Happy four am. Happy July.

 

[littleoc]

I must be very out of it. People on an online game accused me of foul play and I am still upset like an hour later. I do identify myself as being helpful to others so maybe there’s some kind of flaw I need to look into. But I shouldn’t be this upset over trolls in an online game.

I’d explain so you could actually understand because I guess it wasn’t nothing, but I’m exhausted. And the food someone’s given us was all candy and puffed corn flavored like bbq. My mom’s diabétic and I’m not supposed to be eating sugar, so cool. That’s cool.

 

[littleoc]

I don’t even want to sleep at this point. My nightmares have gotten bad. I’m not even really sure if one of them was real or not.

Bad night.

 

[littleoc]

Someone abanonsed a single gerbil. If you didn’t know, it’s as bad for a gerbil to be alone as a human. Or a guinea pig. I obviously took her in. I think she’s triggering me a little bit I’m not sure. I might explain later.

I keep having weird voices in my head telling me how to plan a suicide that’s considerate of others around me. Pay for it myself, make sure animals have good homes, have a plan for people not going into debt because of me. On the other end my long term goals are still being followed carefully to a T, so I don’t know why my brain is doing this to me. It’s a bad time. I need to get past this, not die in it.

 

[littleoc]

If I could think clearly I could figure out how to fix all this.

 

[littleoc]

I miss being able to afford all of my medications.

 

[littleoc]

I WAS able to but my mom fuxked up.

 

[littleoc]

And normally I wouldn’t let a f*cking roommate affect me this much. But I keep having flashbacks to random things. It’s hurting my head. I sure can’t share this with my therapist.

 

[littleoc]

I guess I better call a hotline to be sure then. Makes the most sense, if I can talk. Probably can’t. Afraid of being spied on. This house is a curse. The mezuzah has started falling off the door. I’m not superstitious enough to believe that that’s causing problems. But it does feel like it’s a bad omen of some kind. My therapist suggested that I put it near my bedroom or something instead of the front door. Might ask my rabbi. I am afraid to talk to her though. I haven’t yet. Weird of me. I’m private about trauma obviously but open about when I need help. Feel like I can’t talk.

 

[littleoc]

I’m pretty triggered, sorry. I’m going to go take a cold shower.

 

[littleoc]

I’m good now ??