Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Freida]

Oh hun.

 

[littleoc]

I didn't mean to worry you, I'm sorry.

Anyway. Cleaned every part of the house that I could.

It felt better than moping, though the thoughts never left. Not sure if that counts as self harm, but it's better not to fight it. Just makes it defensive enough to push back.

House is better than it was in 2018. But worse than it was in 2020. It doesn't feel like progress anymore. It feels like a f*cked up curse or purpose I was given. No matter where I go, got to clean for people.

Every time I come back here it gets worse. I always warn people. Never know how to say it. I hate that I'm pointless.

Anyway. Yeah, I'm sorry guys. I have been trying to get out. For years. Stayed with abusive exes to do it. Stayed with my best friend's abusive parents who began to target me. It just gets worse.

Current plan is supposed to be waiting around. Being pointless. I am jobless and homeless and too disabled to matter. Just kind of sucking up the same resources as any other white dude. Making no difference, making the world worse just by existing casually in this capitalistic hellscape -- just turn on a light and you're contributing to something bad. Just using cat litter mined by people with permanent lung damage now, just having this old smart phone with parts only affordable through genocide. I don't deserve to exist and I wish I could give my life to someone who wanted to live.

But regardless, doesn't matter. Still here. Still trucking along.

It was nice cleaning the house for cats. Working on snake tomorrow, lizard, bird. I accidentally neglected them. Did make sure they at least had water this month, though.

I am doing my best. I'm sure once I'm okay enough I'll finally be re-abducted. The neighbors who weren't in charge but participated have been meeting up outside that house and glancing at this house. Don't know how long I have. But no one does, and I don't honestly care. I don't even care if it's quick. And now I sound insane.

Sorry, just ignore this. I'm clearly out of my mind. Who ever knows what's real anymore. Who knows what to say these days.

I hope y'all are having amazing weeks, though, genuinely. Don't let me trouble you. I'm not trying to make anyone worry and would rather no one did.

 

[littleoc]

Gonna eat canned soup. House is as clean as I can get it in one day. There's a lot of it I can't reach, and it's still f*cking path shaped, but it's as good as I can get it. Helps relieve the intense claustrophobia taking over my life.

If I could do anything I would go to the beach.

 

[littleoc]

Sorry for rambling, I ramble when I'm tired, and I'm tired from working all day to make the house more livable. I mean, I just deep cleaned it, and I'm sure it'll need it again by tomorrow. With how things have been. Surely by the end of the week.

I have been trying to get away from this house or clean it totally out since age five. Probably earlier. Was out for college in 2013. Cats got so neglected I kept having to come back, had to move back in several times, last time I moved back in was in 2018...? Not sure. Had a lot of plans for what I was going to do, where I was going to move, who I was going to live with, etc.

Not only have those plans failed, but they have backfired so hard that my spirit has been utterly broken. I have been hiding that for a couple of years now. I am much more disabled now than I was in 2018. Nothing I do is working and is in fact making everything worse.

That alone is upsetting because I'm extremely worried I'm upsetting my best friend, who I now owe thousands of dollars to because he tried to support me, and he had been *literally* trying to prevent that. So I'm now even taking other people down with me, because now he also has nothing, and isn't well enough to work.

I mainly just stress people out, these days. I am just here and just being here is enough to cause problems.

I wish I hadn't taken my best friend up on his offer to live with him because now I'm worse and I'm constantly worried he will be made depressed by how things in his life make him feel like nothing he does actually helps anything, because of forces beyond us. I am ashamed every time I need yet another emotion support. I have done nothing but make his life worse.

Again, been trying to get out. It's worthless. And there are things much more important than my happiness anyway. Eventually I'll have no service dog, as she's gotten too old to help with most things, and no medications as I run out of funds, and thanks to several traumas that happened in the past few years during my failed attempts to remain employed despite my disabilities, no hope left. I left work environments more traumatized than when I started.

I clearly no longer fit in and do not belong, anf eventually I will have no animals to shepherd around, and I will be alone and finally be able to get rid of everyone else's biggest burden. And I'll finally feel happy and relieved, I'm sure. I'm tired of being beaten down and assaulted and raped and made to feel worthless. For some people maybe life isn't surviving one disaster to the next, and I hope the best for the rest of you. Not trying to say I'm so special that I alone deserve to die or anything, just saying I'm tired of my life being about suffering LITERALLY all the time, and I would like to finally take an ounce of control back and end my own suffering how *I* want to.

I'm really, really sorry to say that. It's the most optimistic thing I can muster right now. I'm really sorry. I don't want to be like this. I wish you would all leave my diary and stop focusing on me and instead just try to get better.

I don't want any comfort from you unless it makes you feel better about yourself. I'm not in the right state of mind to receive it. I wish I had died in one of my previous attempts because I'm not in a good enough position to do it now.

I hope you have a peaceful night, I'm so sorry for posting this.

 

[littleoc]

I don't mean to trouble anybody. Let's just keep focusing on the positive.

I drove to Illinois to view the eclipse and it was the one of the best things I've ever seen. I hope some of y'all got to see it in person, but online is nice as well

 

[littleoc]

It is beautiful outside

 

[mszl]

Hi. I was just passing by so have some hugs, looks like you could use some.

 

[Rose White]

t is beautiful outside

Yes. Thank you for sharing the beauty that you see and feel.

 

[Freida]

That's a pretty big bunch of bad stuff running thru your head.
Can you get ahold of your t?

 

[littleoc]

Thanks, y'all.

I don't think it's bad stuff. I think it's just there in my head. I find it disappointing that I'm not my usual optimistic self, and I feel ashamed, yeah, but I don't think it's bad. I wish I could go back to just being positive all the time and people being impressed that nothing gets me down, but. Everyone has a breaking point lol

Anyway. Yeah. I've been having problems with therapy for over a year now. I'm mostly looking for nontalk therapies at this point. We'll see though, thank you

 

[Teasel]

Am short on words, and might get them wrong too. But I wanted to say sorry for expressing worry for you, don't mean to burden you, you've enough on your plate.

Best x

 

[littleoc]

Am short on words, and might get them wrong too. But I wanted to say sorry for expressing worry for you, don't mean to burden you, you've enough on your plate.

Best x

You're okay, I didn't mean to cause worry