Supporter Combat Ptsd Spouse

[Justyna]

Hi! I'm Justyna :)

I decided to sign up today in hopes to find help with dealing with my husbands combat PTSD. I think that for the past year or two I have completely suppressed the fact that my husband has PTSD. What hit me was yesterday, when we had our first intervention. Where my husband voiced that he thinks that I am closing myself out of this marriage. It took me all day to think about it, and I have come to realize that I myself, have been shutting myself out of my marriage, because I subconsciously knew that my husband shut himself out as well. Thinking about it the past two days, I have realized that we need help. Pretty badly. We haven't had that happy connection in a while and I pin pointed that this is why I myself, am unhappy, and of course he is too. I want to save us, before it gets worse

Please any insight, books referrals, article referrals or just talking will be greatly appreciated. I will be checking and posting with others to be involved.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Hello
Welcome to the forum.

I just wanted to say you should take care if yourself and make sure you're mentally well in order to be supportive for your husband.
Xx

 

[LisawithPTSD]

Yep, like they say on a plane--"you have to put oxygen mask on yourself before helping others". My significant other went to the therapist with me a few times, and my closest friends read the book "PSTD SourceBook". It helps to talk about the things you learn about PTSD so that you aren't talking about the actually traumas. It is an opportunity to create a deeper dialogue and love between you both.

 

[arfie]

Reaching out is an excellent first step. Whether I am dealing with my own PTSD or helping a loved one deal with theirs, I like taking small steps and taking time between each step for processing and contemplation. Frantic and fast leaps too often lead to escalating chaos. Small methodical steps add up to gentle and secure progress.

Welcome to the forum, Justyna. Hope you find healing companionship here.

 

[anthony]

My first piece of advice would be to read the document at: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/

Understanding things is the first piece of the puzzle... and understanding what you do, and do not, control with him, is the next.

 

[Justyna]

@NoWhereKnowWhere I'm having a hard time figuring out how I can help myself first, and then help my husband, if were both going through this. I almost feel selfish helping myself first, and then helping him later... but I know that I need to...

 

[LisawithPTSD]

Totally understand. But you won't be a help to him if you aren't balanced. So healing yourself so you can help him IS helping him.[DOUBLEPOST=1399218120,1399217844][/DOUBLEPOST]I would not be alive today if it weren't for kind, loving, tolerant, calm individuals that helped me to stay grounded, listen to me, be patient with me and are willing to help me learn about and how to cope with my disorder. I put them through hell sometimes but they keep wanting to be there and help me work through it. Even if its just that they know enough to not react with fear and grief when I have an episode. You don't have to cure him. Its probably out of your depth if you're not a trained therapist in PTSD. But you can be a learned and caring individual that is like an anchor to the good things.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[anthony]

I almost feel selfish helping myself first, and then helping him later... but I know that I need to...

There is nothing wrong with selfishness, especially when you do it for a greater cause. Think airplane oxygen deficiency... you put your mask on first, THEN you do that of your children. Why? Because if you do theirs first and they fight you or such, you pass out and now can't help anyone and you all could die. Put yours on first (selfish act for great good) and then put theirs on. Even if they passed out in a few seconds, they wouldn't die due to lack of oxygen for minutes, thus you would then put their mask on, they would breathe and recover, at which point you can now control keeping their mask on if needed without your own breathing difficulty.

PTSD is the same... in that if you don't look after yourself first and foremost, the sufferer will take you with them on either a depressive ride to death OR they can even turn on you and kill you. That has happened a lot with PTSD when the person has no real understanding or control over the initial stages of the illness. They don't mean to hurt a spouse or loved one, but the aggression kicks in, a flashback happens, startled from a nightmare, suddenly a spouse is dead.

Take it seriously to ensure you are good first, then you help them to the best of your ability, BUT... they must want to help themselves as well. If any sufferer doesn't want to do that, then there is nothing you can do and you have to step away until they piece things together for themselves, because the relationship will only become more toxic by the day and usually lead to both parties living in an abusive environment.

It gets ugly is my point.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Justyna,

You've received a lot of good advise, and really learning about and understanding this disorder, is the most important step you can take. Your husband will have to take responsibility for his own recovery and seek the help that he thinks he needs and what will work best for him. Relationships are only as healthy as the people that are in them, so it is extremely important that you also focus on yourself and do what is best for you as he works on his own recovery.

Debbie