Relationship Combat vet girlfriend - what’s a girl to do?

[CharlieByrd]

Ive been on and off with my vet for about 2 years. He served in Iraq twice and had multiple injuries requiring extended hospitalization during those tours, and is diagnosed with TBI. PTSD has never been formally diagnosed, but I have significant background surround PTSD and he fits the bill to a tee. He’s been completely responsible for the “off” times; He’ll just shut down out of nowhere. Normally I give him space and come back around after a few weeks and it pans back out. We have an incredible connection - we’re very much on the same wave length and he’s trusted me and grown with me a lot. When we reconnect it’s always stronger than the time before, and he becomes much better and reliable with communication. So here’s the kicker: about a year ago he began refusing to see me. He told me it was because he knows I want more and he doesn’t, but proceeded to continue in a very close and intimate online relationship with me. One can easily read this and think there’s another relationship on his end, but I’m positive and he reassures me endlessly there isn’t, and I honestly believe him. So for the past year, although we live close, we’ve maintained our relationship online. I’ve done this because I felt that with enough time and trust, he’d budge. And while he never said it out loud, he also never disagreed with me when I would say to him that I knew deep down he wanted me to stick around and for this to work somehow.

The last straw for me was last week. He finally agreed to make plans, canceled, then came up with a makeup date and canceled again. And as he always does, he found a way to be upset with me for pushing him rather than taking responsibility for his end. I told him i will always be here for him but I can no longer function in an Internet relationship. He’s currently in shut down mode.

I’ve tried talking to him about these patterns countless times - he shuts down. When I asked why he doesn’t want to be intimate with me or see me, he responded “why don’t I want to be intimate with anyone?” I feel like I’m throwing away something really beautiful because we have such a deep emotional connection, but I have real life needs that can’t be met through a phone. Can anyone relate?

 

[dulcia]

"On and off" by choice? Has his behavior been up and down like that the whole two years? Because expecting something other than what he's consistently showed you seems like a recipe for disappointment.