Comedy - Welcome To Doctor Doppemhiyer's Clinic! (lol)

[2quilt]

Do you take insurance? If not, can I trade hot baked cookies for your services? Do you have a credit card number I can borrow for a day or so? Is your signature easy to copy? How small is that bill you charge for your services? Do you charge by the question? I already owe you for the previous inquiry and response.

 

[JohnnyM53]

Dear 2Q

Vhat luck! I have an opening special called "A Problem Or Two - Solve one; Solve the Other Vun Free!"

So you only owe me for vun.

Yes vee do take insurance coverage, all major credit cards (using your own number please - come on now - I have to eat too!). We accept all denominations, including trade or barter, so if your cookies (yum!) are good, you can make regular installments over a verrrrrrry long period of time.

Finally, the cost per enquiry is $US40 (or 20 cookies x 100 veeks).

Can't vait to help you!!!

Sincerely

Doc DVD

bcc. Nurse Ratchet - that would mean 12 cookies for me, 8 for you x 100 Starbucks visits. Let's hope she pays in cookies! Oh yes, and thanks for the coffee the other day. It veally took the stress off me. PS: I think I'm falling for you. Yo veel the same for me, no? Starbucks yes? Twas good for you, yes? Did I - vell you know - make you - hmmm happy??? xo

 

[Tija]

Love is my problem..

Dear Doc.

My dilemma is quite simple, yet complicated : I am madly in love with my therapist ! I have tried everything to get over him... I have even tried music therapy, as you have suggested. I play love songs all day long on my guitar, yet I only end up feeling worse. I don't understand why? Do you think it's because I am playing the wrong instrument? Maybe I should play break up songs, but I don't know any. If you think this would help, do you know any ?

I definitely need more therapy, plse help me! I await your answer with baited breath.

Gratefully, Tija

 

[JohnnyM53]

Dear Tija,

Thank you for writing to me and I'm sorry to hear that solo musical terapy hasn't helped.

It sounds like you could have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and could benefit from some FAT (Fatal Attraction Therapy) to help you overcome your obsession vit your terapist.

As you may recall from my second post (at the end), people vit OCD are assigned to the learn to play the triangle. In your case, you vould learn to practice the song Don't You Want Me by The Church of the Poison Mind. Perhaps you should consider signing up for group terapy as soon as possible.

In the meantime, you may want to talk to your terapist - perhaps over coffee at Starbucks - and refer to 2Quilts first post about Starbucks. Maybe your terapist vill see delight...err. the light...and help you through this difficult period.

Sincerely,

Doc DVD

bcc. Nurse Ratchet - if she vant to schedule an appointment, perhaps have her come in for a photo shoot, just so I can size her up.

You didn't comment on my last post Nurse Ratchet. Verr you disappointed at Starbucks??? :(

 

[Tija]

As you may recall from my second post (at the end), people vit OCD are assigned to the learn to play the triangle

That is so funny..just seeing the visual ! :crazy:It would definitely cool things down, if not make one brain dead!


Thanks for the laugh! Tija

 

[This Ends Now]

Dear Dr DVD,

Thank you so much for opening your online clinic.

I would like some help regarding an ongoing fear of doughnut shops, all night dinners, and court houses. Perhaps there is something in common with all these establishments but I cannot quite figure it out. In years past I took fukitol for this problem but I have been informed by my doctor that it has been restricted in my area. Do you have any suggestions for how I might relieve my anxiety without fukitol?

Thank You,

Liz H.

 

[JohnnyM53]

Dear Liz H. a.k.a TEN,

You ask two questions:

1. Is there a possible connection between all three places that creates fear vitin you?
2. Do I know of any replacement terapy that could help alleviate your anxiety?

Regarding question vun, this is a common conditions known as Ofukrun, vich creates fear when certain members of our society worry they may be moving homes soon or may soon be vearing new silverplated bracelets.

Naturally, only a trained psychoterapist can help you deal vit this rational fear, but medication can act as a temporary solution to alleviate symptoms.

Regarding the medication Fukitol (generic name Higivup), you are correct that it has been restricted in your area do a rise in incidents of people experiencing self-hypnosis who end up relieving themselves in their pants in public places, vile repeating the mantra: "I am sitting in my dung; I don't care....fukitol!"

A new and improved drug has now been approved by the FDA to relieve anxiety for this condition and its brand name is Skrewdakops.

Attached is a prescription for you.

Good luck vit this.

Sincerely

Doc DVD


bcc. Nurse Ratchet - Please file under clinical trial study name Fukedifweno, cross file Lokemallup.

 

[gdf]

Dr. DVD,

I am quite concerned. I went shopping and needed some peanut butter. I was reading the lable* on the jar and there was a warning:

THIS PRODUCT MADE IN A FACILITY WHERE PEANUTS ARE PROCESSED

Do you think my IQ is dropping and this is the company's way of telling me? Will I wake up tomorrow and feel an overwhelming compulsion to use my hairdryer in the shower or put metal in my microwave?

Gina

* The halarious thing is this was actually true!! I laughed out loud right there in the store.

 

[JohnnyM53]

OFFICIAL GRAND OPENING
DOPPEMHIYER CLINIC
ON-LINE CONSULTATIONS
SWISS PSYCHIATRIC UNIT
​

November 25, 2009
​

Dear Gina D.F.
Head Cashew

Thank you for writing to me on the joyous occasion of the grand opening of my on-line clinic and for letting me know, albeit subconsciously, that your terapy is progressing very well.

I detect that maybe you think you're not nuts after all. And laughing out loud in the store indicates to me you're coming out of your shell.

I further detect that you are using cognitive based techniques to test reality and determine if your IQ is in fact higher than you first believed.

However, I am concerned about your safety when you test reality, as it seems you believe that you can dry vater as it comes out from the shower head. Doing so vile the dryer is plugged into the vall can lead to anaphylactic electric shock.

By putting metal in a microvave oven, you could create an electric Noah's arc, resulting in paramedics collecting two parts of each inch of your body.

Please be careful when testing reality.

Sincerely,

Doc DVD MD

bcc Nurse Ratchet - Please file under UFO (United Fools of Ohio)

PS: Nurse: Want to go to Starbucks? My treat! I'll even share my nuts with you! *wink-wink*


From Nurse Ratchet: Dear Doc: Can I finish my Crunchy first?

 

[pebbels]

:rofl:Loving it :rofl:

Pebs:thumbs-up

 

[This Ends Now]

Thank you so much Dr DVD! Your prescription for Skerewdakops has worked extremely well in relieving my worst Ofukrun symptoms. I will be sure to refer anybody else I know who suffers from similar moving and bracelet wearing anxiety to your office. :rofl:

TEN

 

[gdf]

Oh No, I May Be Worse Than I Thot

Oh No, Doctor--what shall I do? I am trapped in the Buckeye state. Perhaps it is influencing me negatively. Should I move? I'm not sure I can leave the state because I have agora-buckeye-phobia quite badly. Can you help me with the nuts and bolts of this problem?

Perhaps I need to fashion a different method or test for determining what is real. I think I will go out and write myself a reality "check" right now! You can "bank" on that. Your advice is the "gold" standard among psychiatrists. I may never want to "change" doctors but can I afford your "bill"? I met "Penny" one of your former patients and started to "teller" how wonderful your advice was but she had to rush off. It left me feeling a "loan." At least I won't have to "account" for my behavior until our next session.

I'd better go "peek-an" see what what is happening on the news. I must keep up with reality.

Gina