General Coming To An Understanding

[Mrs. T]

Just a question for those of you who know more about ptsd.

H can be easily turned off of something as soon as something negative is associated with it. For example, H used to love my chili. One day the chili was burned. It was still ok but it had a burnt taste. Needless to say, none of us were a huge fan of it, and we threw it away. Now H hates all chili because of this one time.

This kind of thing happens with things throughout his whole life. Currently he is not 100% comfortable with being at home because he associates it with a girl who used to stay here and who would disrespect him. He says that the only thing he likes about home is me and the boys. Take us away and he doesn't want to be here. When this girl left, it took me cleaning up all of her mess to feel 100% comfortable again...but then again, it was a much easier time for me then it was for H...

Anyways, there are things in his life, completely unrelated to his past that he avoids (due to similar reasons as the examples above). Is this a common trait for ptsd? He knows the logic of his feelings but he can't get past the negative association he has.

 

[JohnJohn]

T,

Everything I am going to say is an opinion first of all. Secondly emotional trauma, including ptsd, has a multitude of origins and manifestations. When you give an example, like the above, it is just a snapshot or piece of the puzzle. Now with that out of the way, it looks like you are describing "H's" emotional reaction to traumatic triggers. H can not deal with negative triggered emotions, so avoidance and environmental sanitation of the priming event, scent or feeling is how it is handled.

H needs coping skills to deal with present and future traumatic triggers, not to mention assistance in dealing with the original traumatic emotions. Avoidance and withdrawing from issues is a primal and basic emotional response to percieved threats, physical or in this case emotional. We all want to survive and our brain will hijack us if it perceives psychological threats and the "fight or flight" response activates.

H is doing what they feel they need to do. It is up to H to understand that is not functional and seek assistance.

I hope that helps and again is just an opinion without full background analysis of H's situation. Good luck to you and H.

 

[Mrs. T]

Thank you for the response Johnjohn. What you said makes a lot of sense.

Yesterday my brothers wife offered to take care of our son while I go to my Dr appointment on Friday. We figured it would be easiest for her to take care of him at our house because my son is afraid of her dog. I thought the offer was very nice and told H about it when he got home. He responded by saying he would take the morning off so he could take care of our son and so she wouldn't be coming to our house. I asked why it was such a big deal about her coming to our house and he tried finding reasons but it still didn't add up, and he knew it. Finally he said "when ppl are here I feel like they are invading my privacy" so I asked, "is this since _________ stayed here?" (the girl mentioned in my original post). And he said it was. So now I am going to find a reason to tell my in law so I take our son to the Dr with me, otherwise H will take the morning off...which we can't afford, especially for such reasons.

We can work around these avoidances, but you're right, it is not functional. At the moment he is not getting help for these things and I am searching for ways to approach him and convince him he could really benefit from therapy.

One thing I have been thinking about lately is some things mentioned on this forum. H has complex ptsd. He has had several different traumas. Many, if not all, he never had the opportunity or was not allowed to tell anyone when he was younger. Did he get ptsd because he didn't have that support and guidance to properly process the traumas soon after they happened? Or is this just an opinion and not necessarily fact? I am thinking more about this in my efforts to find the right words to say to H when I do bring up about therapy again. Trying to find the right timing. When he's emotional, its not a good time to bring up therapy, and when he's happy, I fear I will bring him down...

 

[JohnJohn]

T,

The right pathways in life usually are difficult, but sometimes loved ones in pain are more apt to follow our lead. I sought therapy first when I discovered my wife's trauma so I could understand and become a better supporter of her, our daughter and myself. It helped her see my positive response. Sufferers feel helpless and like a lost cause. If they see good come from therapy they may give it a shot. Positive feelings and emotions can do wonders and if anything you help yourself be strong during this time.

Good luck and never forget to take care of yourself too.

 

[Eleanor]

Hey Mrs. T. The only thing I have to contribute is Peter Levine's book on "trauma-proofing your children" that you, and maybe your H, could read. It really gave me a helpful model of trauma and how it "works" its way through our bodies/minds or not. It might help him have a place to start processing "new" traumas...

Best wishes to you both!

 

[Tinyflame]

Mrs T, I agree with you totally. I think it's all about stress- well, not 'all', of course- but even the reaction you described about coming over sounds like stress from the anticipation of her coming over.

I have often asked myself, and it seems a big part of the 'cause', had I just been but able as a child (to do that), I think it would not have resulted in ptsd.
I believe it's (that experience of not talking, etc), carried very much into adulthood (and 'beyond', lol- I am 'old').

I think JohnJohn is correct.
And as he said we feel like 'lost causes'.

What helps me a lot is when someone says (with assurance) that 'it will be ok'. 'Acts' like that. It reduces (my) stress, or gives some courage.

Back to the 'chili'- I still wonder if that's related to sinuses (the change in taste, etc). Because apparently 'impaired immune systems' also lead to chronic sinusitis. Also, even bleeding in the GI tract causes horrible tastes.
I recall even a family member, when the liver was severly affected, everything tasted like 'tin'.
Not to worry you- I just mean I still think there is a 'physical' component there, possibly more so than any trigger.

And Mrs T- sometimes the best 'therapy' is a Hug or knowing someone loves you and is there for you.
((((Hugs)))) to you also, xox

 

[Mrs. T]

Johnjohn, you're right. I have been thinking about seeking therapy for myself. I know H wouldn't stop me but to be honest, I don't think he'd understand why. He would feel uncomfortable about it, since I wouldn't be seeking therapy if it weren't for his having ptsd...if that makes any sense.

Eleanor, thank you for the suggestion. I am going to look up that book. I'm a slow reader so despite my love of books, I usually only read them when I really want to and I feel I have the time for that. These days I have to give myself a good reason for reading a book otherwise I feel guilty for some reason.

Junebug. You are probably right about the chili. I never thought of that. The smell has gone away, thank goodness. His sense of smell is also back. What caused all of that to happen and what caused it to go away, we don't know. Happy its gone though. His mental health seems to have improved as well, which I'm sure has something to do with the smell being gone. I do still wonder if the chili thing is linked to that. He's not a big meat fan anymore because of the smell thing (even though its now gone). His favorite food used to be steak, but he really doesn't like it anymore for this reason. Can't say I blame him though.

I am so proud of H. There are things he is doing to try to improve himself. And he is really being a wonderful husband and dad. He always has been, but recently he has been putting thought into it and it's amazing to see. The part that worries me is his avoidance of help for his traumas...but maybe he just needs time to let the the idea of ptsd soak in...? Maybe he's still settling in to the idea. I don't know...

 

[Daisygirl]

Hi Mrs. T,

I have PTSD, and I am also supporting my husband who has suffered childhood abuse too. I don't know if he has PTSD or not. He is in therapy now. I am still in therapy too, although these days it's more for support for our relationship.

For myself, I have issues with any "new" situation. I try very hard to not let my anxiety stop me, but I have limits to how much I can physically handle. Any new situation, people, places creates the fear of the unknown and loss of control, which causes me to feel less safe. Perhaps that is another reason why H didn't want your sister-in-law over? I do find it easier to have people I know over to my home than strangers, such as a repairman or woman.

Also, getting my husband to think about therapy took a long time. We had problems for 2-3 years before he decided to get help. I was the one who brought the subject up. If H doesn't like the idea at first, I would just encourage you to not give up. :geek:

I also found my husband more receptive when I expressed my concerns about his behavior, how it was affecting me and our relationship, and how much it would mean to me if he would give therapy a try. In your case you could also include your concerns about your son. I asked him to consider trying therapy for 6 sessions, and if he didn't like it, he could quit. But once he got started, he saw how much potential there was for him to be validated and to learn new ways of coping that he has not quit.

Like JohnJohn said, my being in therapy already, helped me to answer his questions and reassure him about what it would be like.

 

[LizardViolet]

Eleanor, thanks for the pointer to the books of Peter Levine.

I am a supporter and while my sweetie is resistant to the idea of therapy, I am seeing a therapist myself who has experience with trauma survivors. Why? Because she can shine a light of understanding on his behavior, and help me manage my own behavior and moods. She has already given me considerable insight.

 

[Eleanor]

There are a couple of short interviews with him on YouTube - and I know there are audio clips from his Healing Trauma book on soundstrue.com. Not sure if the "Trauma Proofing" is available in audio - but shouldn't be too hard to find out...

JohnJohn is right sometimes modeling good self-care is the best thing we can do.

 

[Mrs. T]

I typed out a long reply only to lose it. Hate that.

Basically, I'm always thankful for the replies I get as they always get me thinking.

I have noticed that H does respond to leading by example. It is so obvious that he wants to be the best husband and dad as he can be. At this point, I think it is a matter of him realizing how his ptsd affects all of us. But in the past month I have seen changes and improvements. He is trying things and talks about how we can improve things as a family. Despite his many downs and few ups, I feel like we are a team. So I think things are improving slowly.

About my in-law. He does know her and she was meant to come to our house when he was away at work, hence my thinking it would be ok.

The other day I suggested we invite my dad over for dinner one evening since my mom is away for the week. He has said that he sees my dad as a father to him because my dad is great and he feels he doesn't really have a dad. I was a bit surprised about his reaction. He suggested we take supper to my parent's saying it would be easier. To me it's more difficult to make and bring dinner somewhere rather then inviting someone to come over. It was definitely his just not wanting anyone to come over. This new extremity to his hating company coming over, seems to be getting worse..

It has always been true though;the anticipation of someone coming over is very stressful, even if they are only coming to drop something off or pick something up.

 

[Eleanor]

My H also has complex PTSD. We just got into contract on a new house, went to inspect on Tues - all fine. Went back on Sat with the guy to do an energy audit and... someone had stolen the compressor for the HVAC. :mad:. BUT since we "bought" that with the contract and it was several years old and not energy efficient blah blah blah - the insurance for the sellers will cover replacing it with a newer more energy efficient (thank you State of CA) unit. So, hard for me to feel too badly about the whole thing. H, on the other hand, was irritable last night, had a terrible night and was very triggered all AM UNTIL he figured out that this had "opened up" a major adult trauma. We talked about it a bit, he put it on the EMDR agenda, and went and "mopped up" the effects of his bad AM. I was VERY proud of him for that. Good effects all around. ANYWAY, what I meant to say was : So what old trauma for your H is getting poked by people coming to the house? It's not just the gal who moved out (then it would be specific to people staying or something.) You've said he's had this anxiety for a long time, maybe from even before you met? So use it as a clue to uncover the old stuff to resolve. He must be getting ready to process it since it is coming up more and more. (that's a sign for us...) "Think like a detective" is our motto these days. What we are finding about c-ptsd is that H can work through old stuff piece by piece, and gets great "feedback" because once he does he is "done" with it, and new bits of life open up for him. His response this AM was however; scowl "F***. I get to do all of it then?" Not all happy happy:O_o:.

Wishing you and your H good discovery and healing!