Relationship Communication question from sufferer. he seems unenthused to help me minimize symptoms?

[creatrix]

I hope it is ok that I'm posting here. I am seeking insight specifically from supporters but will appreciate anyone's ideas and experiences. Please move this thread if I posted in the wrong place.

It feels wrong to call my boyfriend a supporter honestly. I know he cares about me deeply. We've been together for over a year and he knows I have ptsd from childhood assault. He is very kind and understanding when I become triggered or dissociated.

But I have been confused about his actions lately. I offered to give him a list of my triggers twice over the course of our relationship. He seems receptive when it comes up but he doesn't ask. I told him that it is very important to me that he asks for it directly: I'm not going to volunteer a list of ways for him to hurt me, if he doesn't care as much as I hope he does.

He's an odd person who is extremely rational but forgets things a lot. He seems to believe that accommodating people's fears hurts them. Of course that is true on some level, but I am in therapy and I'm trying to better myself and be less fearful. When he sighs and is dismissive, I often feel unsupported.

I also know that he is very anti "social justice warrior." He finds the term "trigger" to be manipulative and cringy. Sadly, I don't know of any other medically/psychologically accepted term to describe some of my PTSD experiences.

My episodes are easy to avoid with moderate accommodation. They are so embarrassing and make me feel like a drama queen. I view his inaction as preferring the chaos these incidents to taking simple (in my opinion, of course) preventative steps. It is confusing.

Does anyone have a guess on why he is likely acting this way? If not, do you have any advice to smoothen our relationship?

Thank you for reading.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Also a sufferer... I haven't told my husband much of my triggers. The ones I have mentioned to him... he looks at me as if I am crazy. I guess normal people don't get the connections that wooden doors, long hallways and intense rain can have on a person :confused:.

I guess I am starting to view it that dealing with the triggers are my responsibility anyways.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm the supporter in my relationship. I don't understand what is going on in my vet's head, although there are times I wish I had a translator or ESP. Things that make total sense to him make zero sense to me. Not to invalidate anybody's experience or reasoning, but I can't make heads or tails of his PTSD symptoms unless he explains them.

He is very kind and understanding when I become triggered or dissociated.

To me, this demonstrates that he understands that you are triggered and is taking it seriously.

I offered to give him a list of my triggers twice over the course of our relationship. He seems receptive when it comes up but he doesn't ask.

If he seemed receptive when you offered, he probably thought that was as good as asking. People usually don't take the extra step of asking for something they're already offered. Especially if he's a logical kind of guy. I'm the same way. I probably wouldn't ask either because you offered already.

. I told him that it is very important to me that he asks for it directly: I'm not going to volunteer a list of ways for him to hurt me, if he doesn't care as much as I hope he does.

Why would you suspect he'd hurt you if he knew your triggers? Has he been intentionally cruel or hurtful?

If this statement was said to me, in those exact words, I'd hesitate to even bring the subject up again. I'd figured you didn't really want to tell me and I'd drop it. Especially if the list was already offered twice, I was receptive, and it still wasn't given.

I view his inaction as preferring the chaos these incidents to taking simple (in my opinion, of course) preventative steps.

Why would you suspect he enjoys you being triggered? You said he was sympathetic and understanding when it happened. I'd even add that since you said he's not the kind of guy to be sensitive to the notion of "triggers" in the popular sense of the word, he's putting in the effort.

 

[Snowflakes]

I think there is a difference between a supporter not appearing to be helpful out of ignorance and someone who doesn’t support you regardless the reason (having or not having PTSD). I’ve read your post several times and (forgive me if I’m wrong) it seems he is generally caring of you but he may simply not understand what you’re asking of him. I’m not criticizing you or him, I’m just saying that you might simply be asking more than he is capable of delivering at this moment in your relationship. @TexCat is correct in her post. You do the best you can and hope others, including significant others, will be able to give you the support you need.

I’ve been a supporter for 10 years. I’ve screwed it up out of ignorance for the first 9 years. I’m ok now and my sufferer is managing her illness better but I’m totally burned out. We both, supporter and sufferer, often have a rough road.

You ask for advice. As you write, you’ve been together for over a year which I take to mean less than 2 years. Perhaps, as with anything else in a relatively new relationship, communication and compromise will take time. I wish you both well. Take care.

Edit: I just saw @Sweetpea76 post. She wrote better what I am thinking.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Also, the following was an issue in my relationship that needed to be fixed for MY sanity.

My episodes are easy to avoid with moderate accommodation.

Why does he have to make the accommodations? Is he responsible for controlling your triggers?

Unless he knows your triggers and is purposely exposing you to them, he is not triggering you. You are being triggered. Like @TexCat said, triggers are something that you have to work on yourself. He cannot know everything that will potentially trigger you even if he has a list.

Let me give you an example...

I do things all the time that are triggers for my vet. I can't avoid them. I understand what his trauma was and a lot of his triggers, but sometimes triggers pop up that he doesn't even know about. Or normal human behavior happens... Even with me tiptoeing around and being as sensitive as possible. Once I threw a broken down box into the recycle bin. It was laying the same way as a piece of trash covering an IED that his vehicle hit. I didn't trigger him even if I threw the box away. I just threw a box away. He was triggered. I didn't trigger him.

I've have been blamed for "triggering him" many times, and for my own sanity I've had to lay down the law about him owning his own stuff. I'm only human. I can't be responsible for his triggers. I do nothing out of malice. Triggers happen solely in his head, so they're his responsibility.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have ptsd.

Yeah, I get that you love the guy and such, but I'm wondering why you're with someone who can't seem to even be willing to meet your basic needs? I mean accommodating your fears supposedly hurts you? This tells me your guy is clueless about ptsd. Is he willing to learn? If you send him links, will he read what you send him?

I think he's acting this way because it's not in his nature to be super empathetic. (Hint------you've either got it or you don't.)

I'm not really sure there's much you can do because you can't make people want to care about you and provide for your basic needs.

Yes, I've been with guys who run the gamut from "I have no empathy, don't give a damn, and think you should go fix yourself" all the way to hyper-empathetic, incredibly intuitive, and willing to work through the worst with me, holding my hand the whole time. Fortunately my current guy is in the latter category. He even impressed the hell out of my therapist with how much he cares about me, how willing he is to work WITH me in my healing, and how intuitive he is.

Yes, he is willing to work WITH me. PTSD is not healed in a vacuum. I repeat, ptsd is not healed in a vacuum. If you keep your partner in the dark or your partner isn't willing to work WITH you on healing, this is indeed "vacuum healing". And really, I'll tell you out of experience that if you don't have a partner who is willing to work with you (given that you are 100% open to help from a partner), then your healing will not go nearly as far. Meaning-----I'm willing to own my shit and work on my healing, and my partner doesn't hesitate to throw down hard boundaries while being willing to do what he can in order to move my healing along. He knows about my fragmented personality parts, that my inner child (who displays fear), and my anger parts are much more separated from my core self than in non-traumatized people, and when these parts come out, if the situation is heightened past a certain level, it's time to take a break as rationality is not present. (My therapist has instructed both of us that this is the right thing to do until I can become more integrated).

If I didn't have a partner who was willing to work with me and didn't want to understand, I'd be flying up to a level 5 (highest level of distress), my partner would continue to try to problem solve (fruitless when I have no rationality), and the relationship would be in a terrible state right now.

I say all this as an example of how my partner is willing to work with me in my healing.

Yes, it's good for us to own our stuff, and yes we are responsible for healing, but healing is best in the context of loving and supportive relationships.

If your partner can't give you what you need, and you've done everything you can to work with him on making things better, then maybe he's not the guy for you.

 

[creatrix]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate the tough love about me taking responsibility for my own stuff.

Indeed, I would never be so bold to accuse someone of triggering me. Because, as Sweet pea and others mention, it is my problem.

Perhaps it is all too convenient that I see personal problems as relationships problems. (i.e. their problems are my problem and vice versa.) It's hard for me to differentiate my desire to protect and not burden others from with my crap (something I have worked to negate in therapy) from having normal boundaries. But this conflation is unfair and I will work on it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Communication and good boundaries are what make PTSD relationships work. You both need it.

Has he been able to do any research on PTSD? I'd recommend printing out the stress cup explanation for him. It makes so much sense, and if he is a logical guy he'd probably appreciate knowing the mechanics of a stress reaction. That was probably the best "starter" info that I read.