Comparing my therapy to other people's

[mylunareclipse]

I have a question.

Do you ever compare your therapy to other peoples therapy? And get the feeling that you're coming up short.

I will read of others therapy experiences and think wow my therapist would never do that for me i.e. Give me a transitional object or a card or a flower or see me for reduced fee if I had no money or tell me that I am brave or strong or that they enjoy seeing me or that they ever thought of me outside of sessions. Let alone have a therapist hold my hand or call me to check on me etc.

I will read of others experiences and think how my connection to my therapist is not the same and it triggers this feeling that I am not good enough and I am invisible.

Does anyone else compare they therapy experience to other people's?

 

[Deleted member 42783]

I get it. I just wrote recently that I feel invisible in my phone. (I refuse to journal but instead jot things down in an app. Which is essentially journaling). My T doesn't do any of those things either. I'm trying very hard to stop comparing myself to others lately. Hopefully I will become more visible over time.

 

[BigBirdsSister]

My therapist doesn't do any of those things but she is a psychodynamic therapist and that modality has strict boundaries to allow for transference to occur and also to hold the therapeutic relationship safely. I personally like her strict boundaries because it makes me feel safer. I have had therapists with loose boundaries before and I just couldn't trust them . I think the type of therapy will influence the boundaries. I would like it if she would sit closer to me when talking about the traumas though so I could feel safer. xD. I know she cares about me though, because she shows so much empathy in her tone and body language. Each therapist is different and will show they care in their own way. You are good enough.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Different. Not better. Different. And who's to say of what works for others works for you? And if you really want someone else's experience, that's a fantastic topic for your next session...

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I am dealing with this right now. I don't know how to trust my new T. I am thinking about spending the entire next session on how I am afraid to fully trust her. I just want validation from somewhere. I feel really vulnerable today. I wish my therapist would see that I don't have it all together. I feel like she looks at me and thinks that my problems aren't real. I think it is the long term therapists that really protect and care about their clients. Or support them off of normal hours.

 

[Sideways]

Comparisons of different Ts and their different approaches doesn't seem to ever have a lot of benefit. A "T" could be anything from a school counsellor to psychiatrist and pretty much any mental health or community support worker in between.

As well as being their own individual person with their own boundaries, they come to the party with a whole range of different therapeutic approaches. So, "My T doesn't do that..." could be a lot like saying "My physiotherapist doesn't give me accupuncture..."

What might be worth looking at though is not just what you'd like to be getting from your T (and having a conversation with them about that), but also looking at what you are getting from your T, and whether you feel like that's helpful for you or whether you want to try a different T with a different approach.

So, are you able to identify some of the things that you are currently getting from your T? And if so, how are those things working out for you?

It's incredibly common for people to have attachment issues playing out with their T. Like, super duper common. So it may also be worth examining the nature of your relationship with your T: what is it meant to be, what does it need to be, and what is it definitely not supposed to be?

The hard fact is that even though we often end up feeling like out T is keeping us alive and the only person who really knows us, they aren't actually a "friend". That can also be hard to process and make sense of, you know?

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you for all your responses!

I realize that this comparison won't bring any benefit!! :)

Actually, I don't even think I would want most of the stuff I mentioned! I would probably freak out so much if T held my hand of contacted me without me contacting her first. I don't necessarily even want these things, because I don't think I could hold the strong emotions that come with them.

However, that doesn't mean that I don't wonder at times what is "wrong" with me to not be able to form that kind of relationship/attachment to T. Despite the fact that I cannot even put myself out there to have those things, it just feels all over like another relationship where I am mostly invisible and probably my T forgets about me and doesn't even remember me.

I guess they are only human. But sometimes I guess it must feel good to those people who are able to find and form such strong attachments to their therapists. People whose therapists tell hey you can even contact me during vacation as you are important to me. I am guessing this is pain from my childhood and being rejected.

ps. If my therapist even tried to connect to me, tell me she cares or anything like that. I cannot even look at her. The feeling is so strong I feel like I might throw up.

 

[Deleted member 42783]

The only time I can make eye contact with my T is within the first five minutes after arriving. As soon as the small talk is done its all over. I HATE that about myself. I also hate how my voice goes up an octave. I'm a grown woman for crapsake.
I have been looking for the right box to put him in. He's not friend, family or lover yet he has learned more intimate detail about me over the past four months than anyone else. There are no other doctors or therapists or even my husband that knows some of this stuff. It's scary. There needs to be some kind of security attached to the relationship beyond HIPAA. Still working on that I guess. As far a physical touch goes, it's kinda a big deal for me. I accept and give care through touch. It's the way I'm wired. To say that it crosses a boundary implies that my needs are wrong or harmful. You can tell me how much you care till your blue in the face. Unless you offer an action or something physical, it just doesn't go very far.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

The only time I can make eye contact with my T is within the first five minutes after arriving. As s...

Does your therapist offer physical touch?

 

[Deleted member 42783]

@TexCat
Nope!
The time I want touch the most is when I'm dissociating or trapped in trauma land. I don't need it every session. Him sitting in the background saying encouraging words I can barely hear just doesn't cut it at those times.

 

[James McGregor]

J

I have a question.

Do you ever compare your therapy to other peoples therapy? And get the feelin...

I guess every therapist is different, especially in different countries. For me I find it unsettling when I hear if therapists acting like friends, it suggests they are too close and I find that quite unprofessional. It's better to have someone who is a bit detached, then they can be objective at least, I don't need a stranger giving me gifts, I find that a bit creepy

 

[hymnless]

Thank you for all your responses!

I realize that this comparison won't bring any benefit!! :)...

It's really easy to see how someone else is handling a situation and think that it's better than how you're handling it. I think it's one of those "the grass is always greener" situations. Therapy is hard. Every therapist and every client has to find a way to connect and get through the really hard stuff in a different way.

I am known for sending my therapist emails (eye contact is the worst, saying something really difficult while I know someone else is looking at me is somehow even worse) and that's been a good way of feeling supported. Often she just responds to let me know that she got it and that we will talk next time, so I think that helps me feel heard but also establishes a boundary with communication. That said, I emailed her a while back and spilled my guts about my CSA (I had never told anyone) and she responded and at he end said "we will get through this, ok?" And I literally threw up thinking about 1. the human connection and 2. the pronoun "we". But she was right. We're getting through this.