General Complex Ptsd - New Memories: What To Do

[CountZero]

Hello all!

I'm a supporter for my wife who's suffering from acute CPTSD cause by a long list of abuses, assaults and rapes that began after she ran away from an abusive home. This ptsd is focused on a kidnapping and torture that happened a number of years ago.

This is clearly bad enough but recently she's started to get intrusive memories of incestual abuse. This has set her back enormously and I've no idea how to respond, we're rarely apart, I listen and do my research and we have a fantastic relationship but this new development has had a very very bad effect. What do I do here?

 

[arfie]

Be sure to take care of yourself, CountZero. Rescue swimmers and lifeguards have a pretty good take on how easily a drowning person can drown their rescuer. It is up to the rescue swimmer to know the signs and take the preventative measures. You can't help anyone if you don't stay fit yourself.

"Ears open, mouth shut" is a mantra I use when I support someone going through this kind of stuff. It is not mine to sort and I don't get to "fix" them. They have to sort through it themselves. Just be there for her. Express lots of confidence in her ability to work it out for herself.

Just a suggestion based on personal opinion. Lots of support to you. Repeat, be sure to take care of yourself in this. Martyrs are seldom helpful.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm sorry for what you and your wife are going through. I agree with arfie's suggestions about being there for her without trying to fix it. Processing a trauma like this takes time, patience and a lot of love. You may not feel like you are doing enough by just being there for her but believe me, from the point of view of a sufferer, people who are able to do that are way more helpful than those who try to fix things, and are extremely rare. You'll be a sort of warrior if you can stick this out. And yes, take care of yourself.

There is a book specifically for partners of incest survivors written by the authors of The Courage to Heal, by Laura Davis. It's called Allies in Healing. I'd recommend getting your hands on this if you haven't already. You're not alone.

 

[CountZero]

Thanks for the advice guys, it's a real help. I've got so many questions and a fair few worries, one's at the forefront of my mind lately. We're both aiming for high-stress careers and I'm worried about triggers for her and frankly levels of stress for the both of us.

Additionally, We've given therapy a go once, but she hated it, stating that it damaged her grip on control and she couldn't afford that and frankly I've got to agree with her, it seems that she thrives under pressure but an enormous amount of literature states that one should avoid high-stress. I'm not going to try to hold her back, ever but I can't help be worried.

 

[Blue Survivor]

I agree with the others - listen, but don't try to fix her.

Some people with PTSD are able to work, some are not. On a side note, I have a high-stress job. It is very rare that anything work-related triggers me, even though there are similarities between my traumas & the typical things I deal with at work. I feel very safe at work, and most of the time I feel in-control - which is helpful since I rarely feel in-control at home (at least of my feelings & thoughts & nightmares).

It sounds like you're doing a great job supporting your wife as she processes & deals with all of this. Great job, keep it up!