Complex Ptsd & Ptsd Are The Loneliest Condition

[Starlyte]

PTSD is a cruel heartless condition!!!

Just said "goodbye" to my son who has been deployed to Canada until Christmas. "What has this to do with PTSD?" you might ask. How many people can say "they feel nothing, and I mean nothing, saying goodbye to a person who you know you should be feeling love for".

My head is so full of thoughts and images I have no room for the present. One by one I have ruined every relationship I have had in the last 25years. Bit by bit I isolate myself a little more every day.

I have a family, I am just so disconnected from them, it is like sitting in a room full of strangers. I had friends, who just simply do not understand. How can I expect others to understand when I don't understand it myself. Even to do the simplest of tasks, takes me all day to plan it. Night after night of not sleeping. Trying to put my mind in the present and the past has such a powerful force it's like im looking onto the present from outside of me. I don't even know who me is anymore. My life has no resemblance to my former life. My former life had small children, laughter, hobbies goals and dreams. Now it feels like only the past has space in my head.

Every week for the last two months I have seen my therapist, and every week when she asks me what i'm feeling I lie to her, making up a feeling just so I don't look even more crazy!!!

I don't feel anything. PTSD steals lives not only from one person, but from whole families. It creates a void so large nothing can fill it.

Sorry if this seems a miserable post, maybe im just not having a good day, this day feels like all the other days. At least here I can write, and read your threads that are inspiring, that helps keep me in the present for a few mins. Take care all x

 

[Eagle3]

I totally feel you here. Realizing lately how I push people away so I can be safe, yet never feel safe alone either. The past never leaves me alone, its always there and making the present seem...distorted. I'm not going to sit here and tell you it gets better, but know you aren't alone in this. (From one emotionless, heartless soul to another) Hope you find something neutrally pleasant in your day :-)

 

[Lucycat]

Stop lying!

My t said to me, when he first asked what I am feeling, that he could see I did not understand the question. 'Feeling' was an unknown to me. He has helped me work through and understand. I suspect yours would to. What is the point of seeing a therapist and then not telling them what is going on in your body? They are not mind readers. Please give your T a chance to help you.

 

[Chava]

Every week for the last two months I have seen my therapist, and every week when she asks me what i'm feeling I lie to her, making up a feeling just so I don't look even more crazy!!!

I really relate to feeling like everyone around me is a stranger. I don't have my own family, live alone, but I have felt this way around familiar people. Even on my good days I live in a bubble.

Why are you worried your therapist will think you are crazy for being honest about this? It sounds like you are probably pretty shutdown. Maybe your therapist has ideas for working on this? I'm quite shutdown and a pretty clear goal for me is working on connecting with others (and myself...actually myself first).

I've had therapists I was never honest with. Was just a waste of my time. So can you tell if this is not a good fit or if you are afraid of her response, or just not trusting enough??

Anyway, I hear you. It is lonely. People don't understand the experience...and then you get the added layers of not being able to connect well even on simple levels. I moved into the middle of nowhere so I don't have to be around a lot of people and feel that isolation all the time, if that makes sense. But this isn't the perfect solution either. Somehow I want to feel part of a family or community, or feel connected to a good friend.

 

[Mallaky]

Whats the point of going to therapy when you lie to your therapist? There are healthier ways to create boundaries.

 

[Starlyte]

Thank you all for your replies. Just a little update for you....... saw my therapist yesterday, I was open and told her the truth.
She didn't seem to worried that I don't feel anything. All she did was ask me about the zoning out.... how often and for how long? How the hell do I know, didn't know I was zoning out or what ever it is I do. Now she tells me I need to see a different therapist and she is going to put me back on the waiting list. It took two years for me to be able to see this one!!!! Really don't know how im going to manage for another Two year wait. Wish I hadn't opened up and told her about any of my trauma now, especially how difficult it was for me, I trusted her to see me through this...... now im left out to just get on with it. :cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

 

[Neverthesame]

It's never pleasant to get dropped by a T. Especially when it takes so long to find one. Try to focus on the fact that you weren't getting anywhere with this one, that you need a therapist who can help you, not a marriage of convenience.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have alienated all of my friends except one, and I ever wonder if I have alienated her too, since she has had excuses since January as to why she and I cannot get together whenever I ask. My family? They refused to house me when I was homeless for 3 years. I have expressed deep anger toward them when I have been feeling it. I am sure I pushed them away too, though they still stay in touch by phone a little bit. However, there is not invitation for me to visit them at all.

I have one place where I socialize a bit, but I am very careful not to show my real self to the folks there, for fear of alienating them too. Fortunately I have been able to pull this off so far since September when I started to going to gatherings there. I keep to myself there, mostly, with the exception of being a bit closer to one girl there who has some sort of mental issues too. I think we understand one another a bit, thankfully.

 

[cupfish]

Recognizing the isolation is a big step forward. This site has helped me heal more than any therapy. Yes you are isolated because of your disease BUT YOU'RE NEVER ALONE. We are here. I have cut ties and suffered from a virtual complete crumbling of my family that is supposed to support me. Attended my kids hs graduation, marveled at families with paren, grandparents, aunties, cousins, all coming together. We don't have this, FIND ANOTHER WAY . You need relationships. It is our challenge, building our lives from scratch during adulthood. Xxx