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Complex Trauma (from Childhood Abuse)
- Post starter Nicolette
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I'd say that for me, while facing and coming to terms to what was done to me was very difficult, the biggest challenge is the fallout - dealing with the results of the trauma.
The results show up, of course, as the list of symptoms, but for myself the ones that pose the greatest challenge are the inability to inhabit my own skin/life and being extremely fragmented. They're closeley related symptoms, actually.
My natural state of being is at least 'one step removed' from the present; this survival mechanism is pervasive and resistant to change.
The sense of being fragmented and compartmentalized is also a huge challenge for me. I view having personality 'parts' as a continuum and, though I am not a MPD/DID sufferer, the fragmentation & compartmentalization is such that it causes my life to be piecemeal and...well...fragmented. Only certain parts of me show up at any given time; rarely is 'all of me' here. If only 'parts' of me show up, I don't have a robust experience of life and....it all goes gray.
I therefore lack the inner sense of direction that "normal" people have. When they make decisions that will secure a happy future (school, career, relationships), they get that inner hit of serotonin, that tells them they're headed in the right direction. I never had that (I do sometimes now) so, even though my intellect, my executive function, could definitely agree with society that certain behaviors and paths were good, I had no resonating response from within and ended up with a sense of "nothing means anything". This has crippled my life such that I was unable to pursue hopes, goals, and dreams not only because I didn't really have any, but because there was no inner response to working toward anything. It made my life, my accomplishments, my very experience of life, only a shadow of what it might have been. Most of my work is focused on inhabiting my body, my life.
Don't know if that makes sense....
-Dylan
The results show up, of course, as the list of symptoms, but for myself the ones that pose the greatest challenge are the inability to inhabit my own skin/life and being extremely fragmented. They're closeley related symptoms, actually.
My natural state of being is at least 'one step removed' from the present; this survival mechanism is pervasive and resistant to change.
The sense of being fragmented and compartmentalized is also a huge challenge for me. I view having personality 'parts' as a continuum and, though I am not a MPD/DID sufferer, the fragmentation & compartmentalization is such that it causes my life to be piecemeal and...well...fragmented. Only certain parts of me show up at any given time; rarely is 'all of me' here. If only 'parts' of me show up, I don't have a robust experience of life and....it all goes gray.
I therefore lack the inner sense of direction that "normal" people have. When they make decisions that will secure a happy future (school, career, relationships), they get that inner hit of serotonin, that tells them they're headed in the right direction. I never had that (I do sometimes now) so, even though my intellect, my executive function, could definitely agree with society that certain behaviors and paths were good, I had no resonating response from within and ended up with a sense of "nothing means anything". This has crippled my life such that I was unable to pursue hopes, goals, and dreams not only because I didn't really have any, but because there was no inner response to working toward anything. It made my life, my accomplishments, my very experience of life, only a shadow of what it might have been. Most of my work is focused on inhabiting my body, my life.
Don't know if that makes sense....
-Dylan
SunnyBrookFarm
Diamond Member
My family "unit" is still together - but only because - these things are never discussed. With my mother - she is simply too mentally ill for me to tell her now, nor does she appear to have any idea that she ever even neglected me. Yes, it's a hard thing to understand and deal with - but I don't cut her out - because she is so very ill - and at times - she did finally stand up for me when no one else did. My brother is in a bit of denial - again, our childhood is rarely discussed. Fortunately, my step-dad has been out of the picture since I was 15 - now if I should ever see him...........well let's just say it wouldn't be a good thing.
When I was initially escaping my trauma - I ran away from home, did drugs, pushed everyone away. Then after I got married, I had seldom contact with my mom and brother. It has only been in the last 2 years that I have more constant contact with my mom (mainly because she requires so much assistance now). So I guess I have taken breaks as needed - but I still maintain the role of being the one in the family to keep it all together which I despise.
I do absolutely have walls up and disassociate quite frequently when around my family - my husband is getting good about realizing when I've had enough and it's time to leave.
If only I could let go of that people pleasing side effect - I might would be able to break my ties or at a minimum set more boundaries.
I think that's one thing about CPTSD - it's always one way or the other - there is very little common ground - that fight or flee response seems to be heightened (IMO).
Geez - did I even answer your original question? LOL
When I was initially escaping my trauma - I ran away from home, did drugs, pushed everyone away. Then after I got married, I had seldom contact with my mom and brother. It has only been in the last 2 years that I have more constant contact with my mom (mainly because she requires so much assistance now). So I guess I have taken breaks as needed - but I still maintain the role of being the one in the family to keep it all together which I despise.
I do absolutely have walls up and disassociate quite frequently when around my family - my husband is getting good about realizing when I've had enough and it's time to leave.
If only I could let go of that people pleasing side effect - I might would be able to break my ties or at a minimum set more boundaries.
I think that's one thing about CPTSD - it's always one way or the other - there is very little common ground - that fight or flee response seems to be heightened (IMO).
Geez - did I even answer your original question? LOL
This Ends Now
Platinum Member
I can relate to that... I have tried making a guest list for me and Jo to get married... but the "banned" list is much longer. Its like if I invite "A" then "B" must also come and if "B" comes then "C" will be there but "A" and "C" cannot be in the same room.
M
midi
This Ends Now, I feel very badly for people who do have to deal with difficult family when creating celebration plans. Here's hoping that you have a good time regardless of who shows up to your wedding.
On the Outside Looking In
New Here
I have to agree with you, Nicholette.
Although I have many problems and symptoms that vary in severity, it seems much of it all stems from my difficulties of accepting that my parents did anything wrong and how instead I believe that something is just inherently "wrong" with me. I can cognitively understand the facts and logic of what happened to me and what the results have been, but I am not connected emotionally to this information.
I struggle constantly with feeling disconnected and "On the Outside Looking In" as my login name describes. I even had difficulty typing the above line of "accepting that my parents did anything wrong"!
It has just been so much a part of my life...this firmly entrenched mindset and this solid core belief that "I have something wrong with me... that is why things have happened to me." It has been quite difficult to alter my belief system.... but, I believe slowly-but-surely things are changing in my heart, my mind, and my spirit. I have dreadful relapses and horrid downward spirals, but I recover much faster and see things more clearly and differently than at any other time in my life. So there is hope. Thanks be to God for hope!
I may be "On the Outside Looking In", but I'm finding myself surprisingly (and refreshingly) on the "Inside" every now and then.
Although I have many problems and symptoms that vary in severity, it seems much of it all stems from my difficulties of accepting that my parents did anything wrong and how instead I believe that something is just inherently "wrong" with me. I can cognitively understand the facts and logic of what happened to me and what the results have been, but I am not connected emotionally to this information.
I struggle constantly with feeling disconnected and "On the Outside Looking In" as my login name describes. I even had difficulty typing the above line of "accepting that my parents did anything wrong"!
It has just been so much a part of my life...this firmly entrenched mindset and this solid core belief that "I have something wrong with me... that is why things have happened to me." It has been quite difficult to alter my belief system.... but, I believe slowly-but-surely things are changing in my heart, my mind, and my spirit. I have dreadful relapses and horrid downward spirals, but I recover much faster and see things more clearly and differently than at any other time in my life. So there is hope. Thanks be to God for hope!
I may be "On the Outside Looking In", but I'm finding myself surprisingly (and refreshingly) on the "Inside" every now and then.
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Nicolette
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I have been thinking about this some more.
Parents mould children. They guide them, instil values and morals, teach right from wrong and provide a model of adult life to children while they do it. They are meant to love, protect and nurture.
When parents do harmful, abusive and sick things to their children they mold a very ill person which is generally not that identifiable to the child themselves until they enter the adult world on their own and see how different their thinking style is to others as well as other indicators.
How do you break a mold? As children the parents are teachers so how does a C-PTSD adult crack through that mold when there is little to teach them how to do it let alone re-mould/program themselves? :dontknow::think:
Parents mould children. They guide them, instil values and morals, teach right from wrong and provide a model of adult life to children while they do it. They are meant to love, protect and nurture.
When parents do harmful, abusive and sick things to their children they mold a very ill person which is generally not that identifiable to the child themselves until they enter the adult world on their own and see how different their thinking style is to others as well as other indicators.
How do you break a mold? As children the parents are teachers so how does a C-PTSD adult crack through that mold when there is little to teach them how to do it let alone re-mould/program themselves? :dontknow::think:
This is almost my story with my mother verbatim, but unlike you, Gma, Herc, my mother is in denial and still very sick. She would get furious with me when I would pull away. Neither of us understood it, but I suspected its because I cannot trust her.
Her own wounded-ness is so deep and she has never sought help of any kind. But I need to heal. So I did what I see some others here have done: I said "stay out of my life until and if you are willing to sit down with me and a counselor, doctor or clergy person." Funny, my symptoms did not start popping up until I did this with all of my family-mom, dad and sister. They all think the problems are all my fault and none of them "believe" in counseling.
Anyway, like the old Diana Ross song said: "Its My Turn." I need an entire new life...a new God, a new view of me, a new outlook, new community, new routines, new thoughts, new, everything.
Interesting thread.
I struggle to forget some things. I struggle to accept that my folks were horrid. I worry about my own relationship woith my kids. I know I can get snappy. Especially with so much going on in my head atimes.
My mum has absolutely the wrong view of my abuse. She not only denies it but says she was agood parent an dhow she used to walk me to school and make my lunch. It is such a lie. She made me no lunch. I was starving some days and had to either steal, skip dive or rely on nice folks. My mum used to make me buy drugs for her..and sometimes mix them. It makes me so angry. And she never ever stood up for me to dad. My Dad use to say horrid things to me. He would beat me. He would make me feel like a worthless person.
And now these days my folks well... they live in their own world. My mum wont looka fter herself. I know when i used to live near them I was the one who had to take her to hospital when thinsg got bad. I woudl be really angry. Angry at her for not looking after herself and being so lazy. Angry at my dad for not looking after her. Angry at both of them for using me. And angry at myself for thinking things might be different. Angry at myself for not standing up to them. And u know what ,angry ,really angry for getting angry at them. Weird I know.
I struggle to accept my past. Yet I I know theres parts I need to fill in the blanks.
Spacey
I struggle to forget some things. I struggle to accept that my folks were horrid. I worry about my own relationship woith my kids. I know I can get snappy. Especially with so much going on in my head atimes.
My mum has absolutely the wrong view of my abuse. She not only denies it but says she was agood parent an dhow she used to walk me to school and make my lunch. It is such a lie. She made me no lunch. I was starving some days and had to either steal, skip dive or rely on nice folks. My mum used to make me buy drugs for her..and sometimes mix them. It makes me so angry. And she never ever stood up for me to dad. My Dad use to say horrid things to me. He would beat me. He would make me feel like a worthless person.
And now these days my folks well... they live in their own world. My mum wont looka fter herself. I know when i used to live near them I was the one who had to take her to hospital when thinsg got bad. I woudl be really angry. Angry at her for not looking after herself and being so lazy. Angry at my dad for not looking after her. Angry at both of them for using me. And angry at myself for thinking things might be different. Angry at myself for not standing up to them. And u know what ,angry ,really angry for getting angry at them. Weird I know.
I struggle to accept my past. Yet I I know theres parts I need to fill in the blanks.
Spacey
My challenge/confusion is trying to accept and figure out what is a normal response in various situations. It all seems so hit and miss. And it's exhausting. Especially when I'm with a group of people, I find myself kind of stepping back and looking at the situation and dynamic almost like I'm outside my body. I try to figure out the situation and what would be a normal way to interact.
And of course, I blame/beat myself up when things don't go a certain way or I make a mistake or miscue. I'm not quite sure how to reprogram my thinking. Part of me feels like just throwing in the towel and accepting that I'll never really have peace or be happy.
Hi - I'm wondering if you could explain what this mind split is...is it actually different personalities or just parts of yourself that split off? I find it confusing as well. I'm starting to really wonder about that for myself.. I disassociate so much, forget everyday and big chunks of past things that have happened. I feel that as a child there was a part of me that refused to accept what was happening and took over when i was being abused, carries the memory. I am having alot of trouble with my T pushing the inner child thing...I want to avoid that inner child, ya know? I am scared what she has to say, think she served a purpose for me.
Anyone else with thoughts on splitting parts of ourselves (not DID exactly) would be great..thanks!
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