Complex Trauma (from Childhood Abuse)

[Nighthawk]

There is a child that is lost and will be lost forever. I believe that to handle the trauma of childhood I disassociated to such a degree that there are years missing. Was I even there, did I vanish. I think I vanished into a safe world. I do not know if I can ever find the child that was there during those years or if the world I was in is just too far away. The biggest question is do I want to find that child?

Nighthawlk

 

[tch75]

I have some serious problems dealing with my parents right now. My parents was not the original abusors, or actually they were, I know that now, way back in my brain, but I struggle with it, you know If I only had been nicer, not behaving like a child, like a child does when it's 4.... this would not had happened. They were never able to reconnect with me after the first trauma, and thereby laid the "destiny" I am struggeling with now aged 35. Listen to this;" I can understand their frustration in not beeing able to connect", but I can't accept anymore that they turned their frustration into violence and threaths of violence. That's where I am now. My problem right now is that I have no other in my support system than my parents (I lost all my "friends" when I went to the police reporting my third predator and it turned out he had a "harem" of young boys he was abusing, somehow I got as guilty/dirty as he was in their eyes because they had to face the fact that this pedator actually "confessed" and named names on all the cases he knew wasn't bad enough, or to old to be punnished for), they do everything they can do to help, and are agreeing that they have done many wrong things. This brings me to the situation that at the same time I am gratefull for the support now, but I am still so angry at them, and are finaly talking back back to them, but this makes me feel guilty, so I don't know what to do.... When It comes to relationships; I avoid them, and that makes me feel even more alone. I have tried a few times, but it always turn bad, beacause I start to having emmotional flashbacks, and start behaving bad, and I scare the living daylight of them going into a heavy mix of the 4F's. Sorry got distracted here for a while here and have lost the tread! I'll be back! Keep on posting, this is a great thread!


Tch75

 

[Nora]

In therapy, I was surprised to discover what a role my father played in my childhood trauma. My mother is severely mentally ill with Axis II disorders and has never recovered from having physically abusive alcoholic parents. (My childhood was a walk in the park compared to what she went through.) My father is the one I've maintained a relationship with, the one who I always felt was saving me from my evil mommy. But it turns out, he was also responsible for punishing me for crying or being angry as she did. He dismissively called me a 'stage actress' from the age of four onwards whenever I displayed strong emotions.

If I might share a disturbing and potentially triggering memory here about my dad... he has always said to me, he'll need to tell any potential husband of mine about a situation when I was around 6-8 years old where I really 'embarrassed myself.' I got upset about something when it was just the two of us at home, and the situation escalated and he kept spanking me. (Other than this day, he says he can count the number of times he spanked me.) I got progressively more upset each time, and he kept spanking me harder for being 'bad.' Then he came into my room where I was already sobbing uncontrollably, and I then urinated all over myself. My dad laughs when he tells this story. I grew up hearing this story and not thinking much of it, other than being a little embarrassed at this example of just how 'naughty' I was that day. Now I just find it horrifying. He was supposed to be my good parent.

The book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride was incredibly validating and helpful to read. It points out that the family system is affected by having a narcissistic parent, and that wherever there's NPD mom, there's dad orbiting her in some fashion. Sometimes he is mom's protector and unites with her against the child; in my case, my parents loathed each other for as long as I can remember and he undermined her to me constantly. He told me he didn't deserve the pedestal I used to place him on. While I have come to terms painfully with my relationship with my mother, my dad is still a big question mark to me. I used to take everything he told me at face value, but now I don't really understand what to make of him. He took my side in an unpleasant divisive family situation recently, but then scolded me for being openly upset about it because it would make my stepmother upset to see me cry. When I cried about it another time while staying over, he asked me to leave the house and said he refused to be manipulated. Recently, I began to see what he says as a reflection of who he is rather than as what reality is, and he seems simultaneously ego-wounded and prideful, placing himself as my stepmother's white knight and an unflinchingly rational and moral know-it-all, but also as a colossal failure in failing to live up to his intellectual potential.

I have so many happy memories of my dad... he played lots of games with me growing up, and read me stories. I remember him taking care of me too. I know he is proud of me and wants me to be happy. I don't know how to reconcile this with his callousness for my feelings or displays of 'weakness' that is ongoing to this day. Is he an abuser the same as my mom? I don't understand, and I don't know how to even begin to broach the subject with him.

-Nora

 

[Nicolette]

The biggest question is do I want to find that child?

Having been abused as a child myself I have tried different exercises with therapists including trying to talk to that child sitting under the laundry sink scared for her life. For me, I have come to the conclusion that I would rather accept the blanks in my past rather that trying to dig them up as nothing can or will change them. That is not in the denial sense either; just an acceptance that I was abused and I don't remember for a reason....I can find peace with that and move forward rather than adding things to the long enough abuse list I already have.

In watching my sister discovering more about her abuse all I see is it causing her more pain & confusion with the 'parental' role & 'love'. She suffers more than me trying to work out what happened & why whereas I accept I was abused & just want to heal. I work on me and that helps me more than digging into an already dark past with years of no memories.

 

[heather q]

I'm beginning to see some changes in myself and little insignificant memory moments are coming back, so I think that is a good sign. But I don't remember much of my childhood except for the sudden flashbacks that have been very desruptive. My T has told me that it's possible for it not to come back at all. In a way I'm glad of that in another way I'm disappointed because I'd like to clear the slate, if that's at all possible.

I tried talking to mum years ago and found that it actually made things worse for me, she didn't want to hear about anything that was anything but happy, so it added to my pain, now I have more perspective, there's no way she could have got into helping me out, it would have cost her too much. Now I believe that making sense of the past as I know it to have been true for me, is how I'm getting through these days. Sometimes not very well at that, but the effort to see the patterns is making sense, I don't have to decide to accept it anymore, just see it. That's about all I'm good for, at this time.

Heather

 

[Iam]

Hi Nora, I think understand completely what you are saying.

He told me he didn't deserve the pedestal I used to place him on. While I have come to terms painfully with my relationship with my mother, my dad is still a big question mark to me.

I always put my dad on a pedestal. He was an abusive alcoholic, but I always blamed my mother's narcisitic behavior for it. Now I am remembering and admitting to the violence he made me witness and live with, but also his violent behavior towards me and my brother. It is really hard. I used to call him all the time...just kind of put his "weaknesses" away as he no longer drinks and is not physically abusive to my step mom. He is very proud of and loving to me, but we have never talked about the things he did. He has told me that he doesn't deserve the pedestal I put him on too. And he is worried about the memories of what he did that therapy will bring back. I told him that I remember enough already and love him anyway. Still, I have found that I am more withdrawn from him now. It makes me very sad. I am hoping I can work thru it. He has changed, that is the main thing so in that I can trust that he won't hurt me again.

Good luck sorting it out Nora...I know it is painful, but it will be worth it.

 

[Nora]

I'm in the same boat Iam... I'm much more withdrawn from my dad than I used to be, and cautious about what I share. With so much therapy and emotional distance, I feel even more alienated from him when we talk as my thought patterns diverge more and more from his.

I wonder if part of the problem with NPD abusers is that it's much harder to reconcile with them, since their worldview is so profoundly skewed by their disorder. Like my mother said she's waiting for me to apologize for ruining her marriage, and that I called her 'on purpose' on her birthday because I knew she wouldn't be home. How can I reason with someone whose primary concern is to deflect blame from themselves? My dad on the other hand engages in so much self-flagellation and fixates on mistakes that he made, that it sometimes seems to consume him. My dad seemed more to try to uphold a worldview of "crying is bad" and other rigid, dogmatic beliefs rather than trying to control me in particular. He clams up immediately when I display any type of strong emotion. But he openly recognizes that I have some emotional skills that he doesn't.

I wonder if a parent realizing they made mistakes, and feeling bad about said mistakes, is a prerequisite for reconciliation with a parent who has behaved abusively. With that horrible story I mentioned from my childhood, maybe I'll try to sit down with my dad sometime and explain why not only is that completely unfunny, but it is very upsetting and I'd rather he not bring it up *ever* again, and certainly not as a joke. I'm not quite sure what I need from him before I can trust him again.

-Nora

 

[jenkins123]

I've followed this thread as it is the closest to my recent ex's area of ptsd, and I hope you don't mind me coming in to ask about your views.

My ex's story is violent abuse from dad from age 5 to 15. His dad died 6 years ago which caused a trauma (before my time so no details). I appreciate we may never get back together (he switched off and left after telling me he loved me) but I'm trying to learn here anyway, just in case. What I wonder is how other childhood sufferers deal with feeling love in relationships? I know every case is different. I've read a lot here about relationships being the trickiest part of ptsd recovery, but is this because falling in love is always scary and unwelcome and reminds you of parental lack of love?

Apart from giving space which I know is crucial (and I'm finding hard) , I'd like to know if there is any active way I can encourage my ex's feelings of love towards me to feel positive instead of negative. I'm probably not making much sense, but I think what I am trying to say is how does a (ex) partner of childhood abuse help the love feeling that a sufferer definitely had, flourish and feel like a safe emotion without unknowingly reminding him of the negative past?

 

[Sammy]

I do not think it is possible for you to make him feel safe and loved. He needs to learn to do that for himself. I have been married over 20 years and a part of me still expects my spouse to leave. My PTSD has left me fighting to allow myself to feel loved. I expect him to leave at any moment. You cannot do his work for him. All you can do is love him and he will make his own choices. I try to choose to feel loved. I try to choose to feel safe. I try to choose to love. But, for me, it is a conscious decision and a lot of work. I guess all you can do is love him, bad bits and all, and he will decide for himself. No one can make the choices of another. No one can learn for another. Even when we think we know what is best for someone else, they need to choose it for themselves. Be patient. Be kind. Be loving. And he will make his own choices.

 

[jenkins123]

Thanks for your input Sammy.

I've now realised, as you say, it's totally up to him to "choose" to have me in his life or not. I know now I have done my best in showing my love. I probably overloaded the stress cup after he ended things as I didn't know it existed, sometimes I messed up, and sometimes I took too much responsibility allowing the ptsd to be an excuse for his treatment of me post break up. I still love him dearly, and I'll always feel frustrated it ended at the point he told me he loved me. I think I read in one of Anthony's stories that a sufferer may make a decision when something comes along that is enough to make you want to fight the ptsd harder or stop denying it, perhaps I wasn't it. More than space, what I'm doing now is letting go of hope as it's been over 6 weeks since I heard from him.

I'll check into the site now and then, it has been very useful and I thank all contributors.

 

[Sammy]

Good luck. What I can tell you is, you need to take care of yourself. You need to do what you need to do to be happy. No one can make another happy. We all make our own choices. From someone who has PTSD, sometimes I let the PTSD choose, sometimes I don't even realize it is choosing, sometimes I have for force myself to choose what I want and not what the PTSD is telling me (there is a battle with anxiety I hope will eventually get easier!). I run every thought, every feeling, every action through a filter. It is hard, exhausting work. But, I choose it more days than not. I simply got tired of always feeling angry and hurt and alone. I still feel those things but I have some plans for managing it. Anthony is totally right. You reach a point where fighting is more important than not. But, the person with PTSD has to choose. No one else can make that choice for them. Move your hope to yourself and your own happiness. You are a wonderful person to be able to see him and look past the PTSD. He must have allowed that at some point. I can tell you from experience, that can be terrifying. You can't fix him. Only he can fix himself

Good luck. Choose peace. Forgive. Have fun!

Sammy

 

[jenkins123]

Hi Sammy

It kind of made me feel a fraud to read you say I must be wonderful to see past the ptsd. It was a non starter really as our relationship was very short, only 4 months long from start to him telling me he loved me but walking away on that very day. Somewhere in the middle he told me his trauma, I'm priviledged he did, but never labelled it ptsd. I worked that out, and being on this site all happened post break up with me trying to figure him out and how to help and get us back on track. I guess I simply never went through the ups and downs many on here have through being a partner of a sufferer. I just wish I got that chance with him armed with all the knowledge I now have. I'm certain he has closed me off now, even thinking I'm the enemy since I stressed him with my contact. That will in fact always be the saddest part for me, how he now seems to view me.

Thanks for sharing though.