Complex Trauma (from Childhood Abuse)

[Sammy]

How someone else views you really does not matter. You cannot determine that. How you see yourself is what will matter in the long run. His view of you is distorted through the lens of trauma and until he is willing to not use it as an excuse or be willing to do the work, he will see everyone through that lens. It is hard work. Personally, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. But, I refuse to be held hostage by memories.

Whether or not you knew he had PTSD, you saw past it. I have good friends who do not know I have PTSD. But, they see me. My isolationist approach at times confuses them but they just accept it as part of who I am. You are not a fraud.

Best of luck. Thanks for taking the time to learn about this. I think it makes you an even better person. You will understand a little better the next person you meet with a trauma history. While it effects each of us differently, it helps to know there are people out there who at least try and understand

 

[macelia]

No Contact With Family Members Who Tell Lies About The Abuse

Also I see many struggle maintaining or having relationships with their parents as adults and some pull away as otherwise they revert back to that abused child when dealing with parents.

Sorry if I messed this up. I tried to Reply With Quote but I don't know how to do it.

I cut ties with my mother when she said, at my brother's funeral "I wish it was Linette who died instead of Oscar". Yes, Linette and Oscar were both her children. I should have cut ties with her even earlier when she told one of my other sisters, when we were at another of my sisters' deathbed, that 'death comes in threes, you know'. She was a twisted and perverse woman.

I got back in touch with her at my husband's continued insistence when our first child was born. He just didn't understand, like a lot of people, that some people hurt you so much that they don't have a right to anything from you. I ended up cutting ties again.

The other day one of my mother's sisters sent me a friend request on Facebook. Turns out that when my mother died her 2 sisters stood up at the funeral and went on and on about how wonderful a mother she was. I wasn't there. She didn't deserve for me to be there. Now one of these sisters is the Facebook one. I rejected her Friend request. I nearly sent her a message telling her exactly why, but I didn't see the point. I just don't want anything to do with her or anyone who denies what my mother put us through.

 

[LSNP]

I don't think one always develops cptsd as a child. Perhaps it begins there.. mine did. But I recreated this "normalcy" in so many ways throughout my adult life... and the worst of it was yet to come. The worst of it happened after I was 41.... but perhaps that wouldn't have happened had I had the right "beginnings." Who the hell knows? I only know that I am 46 and still screwed up and only beginning to fully realize the extent of it...... and I wish only for resolution and peace before I die.

Date. People tell me to DATE! MOVE ON!!! Yeah. Like I really want to bring another person into this life of semi-sanity? No. I don't think so. Not anymore, anyway.

 

[Jade-]

When parents do harmful, abusive and sick things to their children they mold a very ill person which is generally not that identifiable to the child themselves until they enter the adult world on their own and see how different their thinking style is to others as well as other indicators.

The sad thing is sometimes even as adults, some don't realize their thinking style is different. I didn't realize it until I started therapy. I thought the way I behaved and the way I thought were 'normal'.

I can't hardly stand to talk to my family anymore. It's too confusing. If we start talking about our childhood, everyone has their own perception. One may say things were great, another may make excuses or say that we had alot of 'things' and money, so the abuse should be overlooked. Some say we were horrible kids and deserved it. Everyone has something different to add.

At least I admit that I'm a very Ill person and the things that went on weren't normal. At least I can admit that I need help and that I need to change the way I think. But it's hard to change when I am around family. We have been so traumatized and desensitized that we can discuss details of a rape or murder with each other and sound like we're swapping recipes.

So I'm thinking it's time to delete my family from my life and worry about myself.

 

[Nicolette]

So I'm thinking it's time to delete my family from my life and worry about myself.

I've done this Jadebear and it has been the best mental health decision I have ever made and I have no regrets.

 

[Jade-]

I'm sure it would be best for my mental health to do the same Nicolette. I know that being around them, or just talking to them occasionally sends me in a downward spiral.

Did you let them know why ahead of time, or did you just do it?

 

[Nicolette]

With my situation Jadebear it had been suggested to me for quite some time but I kept hanging on thinking "one day they will love me for me and not treat me like this". My therapist suggested I confront my mother with the focus being me needing to say what I needed to say but the thought of that was like inviting the plague into our home.

For me a situation arose which was a catalyst for me to swing the huge door shut in one foul swoop......or the opposite outcome would be that they started to realise their part (which I knew deep down was not going to happen).

I have written this elsewhere on the forum but on Mother's Day I received an email from one of my 6 younger siblings telling me how much of a miser I had become because I had only sent my mother a card for Mother's Day (her birthday was the following week and I had actually decided to send something for her birthday instead of Mother's Day that year). Anyway, as I read that email on my phone the tears started streaming down my face as it finally hit me that no matter what I did there would also be some part which would be wrong, I realised how money hungry they were and importance was on value and not on thought/effort. I could see them now trying to drag Anthony (our marriage) into their unhealthy vortex.

We were actually visiting someone and I also thought to my self, while not present, they could always seem to ruin my day. I picked up my phone; wrote a brief email reply and included one of the abuse situations which hurt me the most (didn't blame and just talked about how I couldn't forget), straightened out a few facts from the email I received including telling this sister that her nephew was 19 years old and she had never even sent him a birthday card, let alone a gift, and she was calling me a miser when my mother had forced me to pay her tax bills and I always sent her Xmas gifts and birthday cards. I also told them to leave Anthony out of it and to never contact me again.

The "don't contact me again" comment was fundamental for me as if they really wanted to save the relationship they would have done something......no one ever did and my birthday came and went and no other siblings contacted me (like I always did for them) so in that I got the smack in the face I needed.

To top it all off, I found out my CPTSD sister, who would ring here when suicidal and wanted me to pull her life together for her got married, didn't even invite us and had her abuser walk her down the 'aisle' (give her away) so to speak. I just sat back and thought how F'd up is that if you ring me about this person telling me all the bad things they have done and wanting to kill yourself over it and then you do this?! Hello.

Sorry for the long answer but I am a peace with what I did and while it wasn't how my therapists and others recommended it did it and I feel free. I no longer think that if I go and buy something new "what will mum think or how can I justify this" when I work 70 hours a week and should be able to buy whatever I want without worry what she thinks. I worked out they needed me more than I needed them and the price of not having a family relationships far outweighed the mental health side effects of dealing with a dysfunctional unhealthy family. My biological family was about money; my family now is about healthy relationships, respect and love.

 

[Jade-]

it had been suggested to me for quite some time but I kept hanging on thinking "one day they will love me for me and not treat me like this".

It has been suggested to me too, by my T. I kept thinking the same thing as you, that one day they won't treat me like this.

It sounds like your family is very dysfunctional, and you did the right thing. I don't want to let anymore drama or chaos happen before I cut the ties. I know I need to do it now, before things get worse.

I'm in the process of writing my mom a letter. Not about past abuse or my childhood, she's in complete denial about that anyway. I just need to get all my feelings out to her, so that maybe I will feel better. I'm calling her out on all the things she does now....lying, putting me down, humiliating me,etc. Things I don't deserve and don't have to put up with. I will never be good enough in her eyes, and I give up trying.

My siblings, well, I have always felt a sense of loyalty to them. I have always thought they needed me. Now I realize I have just been a glutton for punishment. They won't change because they don't want to. And now that they see I'm trying to , they just want to kick me down and keep me down. I feel a little guilty that I want to delete them from my life, I feel like I'm saving myself and leaving them to drown. But it's what I have to do if I want to get better.

 

[intothelight]

I keep reading this thread, but always feel like such a hypocrite if I even comment. My T has told me to terminate the relationship with my mother, but I haven't. Whenever I consider it, the guilt is just huge. What is worse, I have put myself in the place of a body guard to protect others from her, and positioned myself to be her primary caregiver.

Logically, if I won't let her near her youngest grandchildren there is a good reason. The fact that my sister, my nephews and two of my children want nothing to do with her should be a real eye-opener. She has no friends and even her own sister cut ties with her ten years ago. If other people do it, why can't I?

Its the guilt. If I leave, then there is really no one. My Dad died last year on Christmas Day and he was her carer, or maybe a better title would be enabler. I am doing the same thing by justifying her behavior because she is mentally ill. I can relate to Jade's comment with never being good enough in her eyes, and maybe that is what I am hoping for. But that hope is futile as she is incapable of love.

I can't remember ten years of my childhood and maybe if I did, the anger would outweigh the guilt. The memories may not be readily available, but the emotional responses she evokes sure are. I keep pushing them back down in order to fulfill some kind of "duty" I have imposed upon myself. Totally screwed up thinking.

Does the guilt consume you or is the hurt? Or both? Not a rhetorical question, I'd really like to know.

 

[anthony]

All I can say... is that my wife is a lot happier as a result of terminating her destructive relationship with her family.

 

[Nicolette]

Its the guilt. If I leave, then there is really no one.

This is where you are confused IMHO. Loosing your mother means ridding yourself of the guilt opening up your world to endless possibilities and new friendships. While the big rock stands in front of you no one will see you any different from what they do now hence why you think there is no one. You also don't know if there is no one; it is just your safety net to justify your decision to keep putting up with the situation you can't break away from - I know this as I have done it. :rolleyes:

 

[Iam]

I did it for 10 years and while it was good to not have to deal with my mother's abuse, the guilt about killed me. I am mentally ill, how can I judge her for being mentally ill too? I mean, I KNOW I had to cut off all relations with her before in order to survive. She tries now to not be abusive. She asked me earlier this week what she could do to help me and wanted to know what my triggers are. I told her that she can't help me and didn't tell her what my triggers are. I have been thinking about it and am going to write them down and share them with her when we talk next week (she lives in a different state than me.)

I have already set boundaries with her. If she crosses them again I will consider terminating our relationship. I guess maybe I am just stupid.