Compulsive Lying

[Aki]

At the moment I cannot reply to each comment, I'm sorry. I can't remember exactly everything I read, but I did read everything so I'll try to make an answer to what I remember.

I am sorry if this is upsetting some of you, which is why I made this anonymous. I knew people would have a name and profile to pair this situation with.

When I originally posted, I was in a sort of.. Different mindset. The one I'm in now. But as I got more into it, as I started to self analyze and try to describe how I felt.. It's like I could almost feel myself going back to that other state of mind where I'll get the thinking of, "Why would people save a baby. That's ridiculous." I know it's a natural human response and almost instinct... But I'm just speaking my mind. Again, I'm sorry. As I got more into this I became a lot more frank and maybe a bit too honest. I should have maybe delivered the message at a more gentle pace and should have taken more breaks from this thread so I could separate myself from the tension.

No I am not trolling. I really do want to change and maybe it's not good I want to change for the sake of my friend, but it's something.. I want to change because I want her safe. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to lie to her and when I catch myself about to lie, or lying, I'll feel bad about it.

I really don't know what it is. As a reminder, I'm not always in that sort of state of mind.. Some days I'm like that and it just happens. My brain changes and I can't think otherwise. But when it changes to what I'm on now... I feel bad that I am that way. It's hard to feel sorry because I am in a different mindset and so therefore I'm experiencing and interpreting the situation differently. When I look at it now, it's almost like looking at.. Sort of a different person. It's still me, but a terrible version of me.

When I get home, I'll try to respond to the others. I can't remember the other comments.

I'm sorry if this bothered others or triggered a flashback or emotions for you. I'm trying to get help and I really am trying to build the courage to speak with my therapist about this. I don't want to cause PTSD or any other issues with people.. Just for some reason, it's almost like my mindset changes and I find some sort of joy in that idea.

Your anger and frustration toward this is appropriate and I do not blame any of you in doing so. I understand where it's coming from and that's okay. I realize that it's seen as "sick" and "disturbing" in society. I can see that a bit right now, but when I'm in that different mindset.. It's like I can't process it. Almost like it's a strange phenomena.

 

[Orage]

By the way, it's the Original Poster using a different device.

 

[Cizumu]

Wow! This distrubs me...a lot. I was 12 when I was placed in a cult with a psycopath. 2 actually. This is very distub...

[OP]
I am sorry about that situation you were put in. I decided to change for her sake and it was not brought up by her. I realized how nice she was and I felt bad for lying to her. She did not know I lied to her and so could not ask or confront me about it.

 

[Enac]

I really do want to change and maybe it's not good I want to change for the sake of my friend, but it's something.. I want to change because I want her safe. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to lie to her and when I catch myself about to lie, or lying, I'll feel bad about it.

My opinion, yes, it's a start. But I don't think you'll see real change. Change that really sticks, until you change for you. When we make changes for someone else, in my experience, builds recentment and it's not change that sticks. In my experience I was almost faking for their sake. But faking is faking. It isn't change.

I saw the mind switch mid-thread. And, to me, it almost seemed like you were attempting the justify rather than to admit it was wrong.

And, yeah, I got upset but that's on me, not you. I walked away and came back not upset.

I, though, still think that until you have a full honest and open ongoing discussion about this with your therapist. Empathy can be learned. Lying, no matter the reason, can be stopped. And I think it all starts with empathy. Just my opinion. But, if you learn how to feel another's feelings, manipulating the out of bordom won't be so easy. You know?

So, those are my opinions and calm thoughts. I hope they are well recieved and I hope you are open with your therapist about this. As you deserve a fullfilling life as do those you interact with. :hug:

 

[Cizumu]

There's been a lot of noise on the thread, so I went back to the first post.
Is this still true? If not, how do you res...

1. Yes I am still very interested in psychology and I enjoy reading about how the mind works, how it gets affected by certain stimuli, what can happen that affects the brain, etc.

2. Boredom in that situation.. I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes I'll just impulsively say something(lie) when it's quiet and I'm fiddling with my hands. It's something to do. Sometimes as I'm talking with a person I'll notice a weak spot such as their feelings toward young children.. so I pick on that by saying, "Ahh. I hate kids to be honest. I feel like if I had one, it would turn out to be one of the worst adults ever. I'm already bad with kids now, imagine if I was their parent. I'd lose my patience and yell and that's not fair to the child. I'm doing the world a favor by not having kids."

3. I wouldn't doubt I have attachment issues.

4. I will try to think before I impulsively talk.

5. Yes that's how Auditory Processing Disorder works. That's almost like the red flag to it. When there's a lot of ambience or background noises, I hear it like a bell tower ringing over an empty village at night. I can't ignore it. Loud noises or a lot becomes overstimulating and it's like they're speaking a language I don't understand. It's like a bunch of people talking in korean or german and I don't know how to respond. They all blend together. Sometimes I can hear the words and know what they said, but I can't process it. They'll say, "I went to the car shop today and I saw the cutest dog ever. His name was Lucky and he had brown fur, brown eyes, and a huge fluffy tail." Sometimes I can actually hear those words... but it just won't process. Sometimes if there's enough noise, I can't read either. I can't understand anything.

 

[Cizumu]

My opinion, yes, it's a start. But I don't think you'll see real change. Change that really sticks, until you change fo...

Yes you are right. I am re-reading the thread, since I can't really remember what was covered, and I am seeing that I started to defend it almost or instead of being open to what it was, I saw I said something along the lines of, "Why should I care? It's not my problem.," kind of thing. I remember when I said something like that because, at the time, I was confused. I didn't understand what was so important about having empathy.. I'm still finding it a bit hard right now, but I can sort of understand it a bit. I really don't know what this is.. I scare myself sometimes. I don't know what I might say to my friend and I'll hurt her. What if I snap on a young child. I'll scar them for life and that's really not fair to them. They're kids and wouldn't understand. I can't let my poor mental health affect other people.. I don't know what this is. I'm sorry :\ Whenever I look back at how I was, I hate that I become such an asshole.

 

[Cizumu]

Evidence?

There's plenty of things that you've said that remind me of someone I know who is on the highly functioning e...

In regards to when you said something like, "You can't understand the emotional response of people," or whatever.. I sort of can understand where they're coming from in a "scientific" point of view. Or if you're talking about psychology. But if you mean to have an emotional understanding, and to then connect, with the one suffering emotionally.. it gets a bit blurry there. I feel like I can't really do that, or not to the full extent that "normal" people can. I don't know how to explain it, honestly.

 

[Cizumu]

I'm lost. I don't think the OP said their gender? But talking it's easy to choke a child to death- on a ptsd forum wit...

I understand what you're trying to say and I agree. Honestly, I don't know why I am able to think like that.. but I somehow do. I don't want the cycle to continue which is why I'm trying to find some sort of help and I do plan on continuing to talk with my therapist. Yes I believe I stated it a while ago, I am female.

No I did not mean for this to be trolling and I did not mean for it to turn into what it did. I'm sorry. I sort of lost myself in it a bit and I guess my mind sort of.. changed. When I started to self analyze and figure out how I feel during the different way of thinking, I think that caused my mind to change or switch. I don't know what it is really. I see it as still 'me' but just a terrible version of me.

 

[Ovato]

In regards to when you said something like, "You can't understand the emotional response of people," or whatever.. I so...

Yes, exactly. (Sorry my name keeps changing.)

I think if you are on the spectrum, it's quite cruel to slap the sociopathy label on you, especially without a work up by a qualified Doctor.

We can only throw out guesses here, that's why I think it's very important for you to have a full in depth evaluation. Just like PTSD requires a specialist, I think that you'd get the most help if your exact issue(s) can be pinpointed.

It's kind of like how PTSD is often mistaken for bipolar. Symptoms may initially seem to present in the same way, but treatment is very different.

I don't claim to be an expert or anything close. This thread reminds me of my friend. Things have been up and down with us. I get frustrated as anything because I don't feel I can tap into his emotions like with others so it creates an interesting dynamic between us. I don't mean to sound mean. As much as I feel frustrated, I do miss him. One of those things I can't explain.

But yeah, I'm not so quick to jump on the sociopathy bandwagon. I think it can be a damaging label without a firm diagnosis. You have a desire to change. My take on most personality disorders is that people have no desire to change. But you do.

I guess I care that you get an accurate diagnosis because you remind me of my friend. I think you may have multiple diagnosis'/disorders which could be interacting with one another. This is why it's so important to find someone who can really take their time with you and won't slap a label on you right away.

 

[Herow]

Yes, exactly. (Sorry my name keeps changing.)

I think if you are on the spectrum, it's quite cruel to slap the sociop...

[OP]
I see. I don't know much about the different possibilities of being on the spectrum so thank you for letting me know. I'm not sure if I'll be able to afford multiple tests and I'll have to figure out which is of more importance over the other.. Though if I am on the spectrum then that may explain some of my OCD..

 

[Huhire]

Illusionist here.

Op.....I've been following this thread, and apart from the lying, I could have put money on you being my partner. He is an extremely logical man, and thinks like yourself...he doesn't care to shed a tear for people he has no connection with, his emotions are kept for those that he is involved with. He wishes no harm at all to others...except those that cause harm to others, but cannot spend time on feeling strong emotions on people he doesn't know. He detests what human beings are capable of doing to each other for selfish reasons.

I asked him about the scenario with the child....he gave the answer I knew he would give.....he had better chance of survival, so the child would be fed to the wolves.....in that specific situation it would be survival of the fittest...he could carry on to give more life....the child would surely die anyway.

Just wanted you to know that I really do understand where you are coming from......I love and respect someone similar, even though I personally shed tears easily over other people's pain.

 

[Cizumu]

Illusionist here.

Op.....I've been following this thread, and apart from the lying, I could have put money on you bein...

Sounds about right. I won't just go out and attack people or harm them, and when I hear about terrorist attacks I don't find joy out of it. I find it disgusting that humans waste their time on things like that rather than using that energy to better the world. I agree with him, that the facts humans will do something for no real reason, is just a waste of time. Of course when my mind sort of becomes a lot more cold.. then I may not agree with what I'm saying now, yet even so I wouldn't physically cause harm or do much verbal harm unless that person instigates it and hurts someone I care for. The stuff I lie about and manipulate, not only are they mostly just little things, but I do know how the human brain will react when they find out. So I'm usually careful about the lies I tell and will only openly act 'coldly' and let them know I couldn't care less about their wellbeing.. is if they're openly being annoying, a jerk, or think they're so special that they hold themselves on a pedestal. Anyways, I'm going to stop here before my mind changes a bit.