Compulsive Lying

[Cizumu]

Mother's disappointments, so you are living your life through the eyes of your mother by that remark. You have given you...

I am not sure why I set such high standards for myself, but I feel that no matter what I can't let it slide down. With some things I couldn't care less if they're "perfect" or not, but then there are some things that I become very critical about. Maybe because I got so used to having high standards that I just adopted it and applied it to myself without giving it much thought.

 

[Cizumu]

Finally the flip side of the coin, lol. Do you have a fascination with death? I knew somebody who had a fascination with...

Yes I would say I do. I don't feel revolted or disgusted when I see pictures of videos of badly disfigured bodies due to attacks or death of any sort. It's pretty interesting to see how the body opens up based on the type of weapon or how the body reacts to certain substances such as a bomb, different types of bullets, etc. It's pretty cool really. It's weird though. Sometimes seeing these badly injured people haunt my thoughts because my thoughts make me think I did it, but then majority of the time I'm not bothered by them at all.

 

[Cizumu]

Finally, l have to ask if you caused or had any part of what you described earlier.

Of the man falling..? That's the only thing I can remember I mentioned earlier. No I was inside a building when I heard a man. It was raining pretty hard and I guess I somehow managed to time it correctly where I opened the door about 3-5 seconds before he tripped and fell. I didn't really do much at first. I just looked at him and I remember asking, "Are you okay?" But I wasn't scared or mortified. There was nothing. I remember when other adults came to see what happened, I forced myself to look as if I was scared so they wouldn't think ill of me.

 

[Ikis]

So getting back to the video replay, as this happened as long as you can think back? Do you feel better about not having empathy for everyone? Does that sound realistic to you? You also should have gone into the medical field. Those specialists have a detached view of "body parts". Do you see how you could be not considered morbid? What is your reason for coming here? Is it the playback of Trauma your concern, of how much empathy you should have? Could the lies be a result of pure surival mode, because to tell the truth was to be abused. What do you think? Sorry, l am completely clueless about therapists, l just throw out therapy so that everyone stays happy at myptsd.com. It seems we need to go deeper for something here, and l am a poor at guessing. What is next for you to release? Do you wish to talk about it. No judgments, here, just help and compassion.

 

[Wusepa]

I am speaking with a therapist that specializes with trauma, but not solely in trauma. Is there a difference?

Sorry, l have no answer to give you there. I just find happiness in helping others understand what answers they are looking for. And l know l couldn't tell my therapist everything because l can't stand to let go of the control. Think l operate on a survival primitive mode due to unpredictable father who l could not upset or upstage or have a brain, or........ Because a beating may be waiting. It only stopped in hs when l threatened to jump out of a two story window then he backed off, then a different abuse started.

 

[Cizumu]

So getting back to the video replay, as this happened as long as you can think back? Do you feel better about not having...

A lot of people have told me I should get into the medical field mainly because of my knowledge about the human body. I've predicted a lot of medical conditions that people were having, explained how I got to that conclusion, what operations would be done to them, and how their medication condition is usually instigated... but of course I always advise them to get a professional's opinion and get checked up since all of the stuff I learn about are from second hand to third or fourth experiences whether it be through research or directly having conversations with different doctors and scientists about their findings and experiences.. But I wouldn't want to be a doctor. It's a lot of work and I know I wouldn't be considered smart enough for it. Also, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly the most gentle person and so when it comes to delivery "heavy news" I would not be the go-to nurse/doctor to deliver the message.

The main reason I started this thread was mainly to see if others were similar to me.. but I got overwhelming results that enforced the complete opposite. I don't remember my other intentions.

No the very first time it happened I was being corned by my mother and a knife was right behind me. All of the adrenaline and panic, she was yelling and shaking me, and I had such a strong urge to just grab the knife and stab her, I remember feeling the handle with my finger tips, but I resisted the urge because I didn't want to go to jai so I didn't. During the time my mother was slamming me against my dresser(the knife was just above the drawer. It's a sort of half dresser half shelf thing..) I got images of me stabbing her and I felt the surge of energy(adrenaline). Everything was telling me to stab her because I wanted to fight back, but I hesitated. Not sure why but I guess because of some emotional attachment to her. Kids are like that, they're so easy to manipulate. I don't remember how old I was, but I was no older than someone in fifth grade.

 

[Epevos]

You knew the outcome of if you did stab her- jail. Some kids at that age would just continue with the impulse and not even think about jail. So is it safe to say you have impulse control? We are back to discussing knifes and stabbing. Do you remember back that far what the next replay was? Was it a family member holding you hostage again? Was it M or D that did the most damage as far physical violence? Guess we really have to talk about this with your permission of course. Guess we are trying to understand the constant film playing out. So you have isolated the first time.

 

[Diva]

The questions to ask l think, did you think your life was in danger? Is the adrenaline rush part of the moment of all these emotions, or a clear rush of what it would feel to do this and see this happen? And how do you feel about this if the latter? Also, you said you were cornered, you do remember that detail. Why was there a knife on your dresser? Was this a pocket knife?

 

[Cizumu]

You knew the outcome of if you did stab her- jail. Some kids at that age would just continue with the impulse and not...

To some extent, yes I'll say I have impulse control. If I think another person may be in physical danger than I might think about it. I impulsively burn things, break glass, etc., if I'm alone. The less dangerous things would be impulsively throwing something that can't break, switching a light as I pass by, making something fall, etc. All of that is done mindlessly or a blank mind.

After that, she continued on punching and kicking me. She held me by the collar of the shirt and was centimeters away from my face yelling.. eventually she stopped and threw me down before walking away. By that age(around 4th-5th grade) I was already pretty used to my mother's actions so it didn't come as a surprise. I did think my life was in danger when she choked me, when she threatened to crash the car because I wouldn't stay awake in the car with her, or when she'd hit me and yank at my hair in the car which would cause her to not have complete control of the car. Around 7th or 8th grade she threatened to stab me with a kitchen knife and it was maybe half a foot to a foot distance away from my face. She's threatened me before with other things and sometimes followed through such as pouring her hot coffee on me right before school, throwing stuff at me such as shoes, plates and if I couldn't keep them from breaking then she would yell.. she's thrown a chair at me and also threw me while I was on the chair. For some reason though, during the knife I didn't feel like my life was in danger. I can't remember any specific emotions. During some of the times, I felt no emotion and other times I'd feel very angry, bothered/uncomfortable, or lonely/giving up.

When I was younger my mother mainly did the actions but later on at around grade 4 or 5 my father started joining in as well. He'd help hold me down, he's slapped me down while we were in the grocery store, threatened me, but in comparison to my mom, he leaned more into the verbal side of things while my mother did all.

The image I got during my mother holding me against the cupboard was of what could happen if I did stab her. Of her blood on me, the action of it, etc. but as it got too intense, and she stopped, I didn't cry after the whole ordeal. I just stayed on the ground and looked at the carpet's curls until I fell asleep and she called for me later to help her in the kitchen.

 

[Cizumu]

The questions to ask l think, did you think your life was in danger? Is the adrenaline rush part of the moment of all the...

Yes it was a pocket knife. I remember what it looks like. Dark blue handle with a serrated blade and it had a little illustration on the blade for the state I got it from.

 

[Ganat]

First of all, l wish to acknowledge all the pain, anger, suffering that you have endured from the very people that should have protected you.

 

[Uzuv]

After a very deep breath of feeling so lost after your detailed violent attack by your mom on a regular basis, l am here listening to you. Your mother constantly conditioned you in a violent way that ended up really dehumanizing you. You were subjected to her attacks that you could never escape. This learned helplessness is the cause of you feeling unable to change anything and compounding it when you D stepped in. It's proven that a child will stop trying to avoid the situation and behave utterly helpless which than leads you to feel constantly depressed.