Compulsive Need for Trauma Details

[tiler]

Does anyone get really obsessed with finding out exactly what happened during their trauma (if the memories are fragmented)?

I can't get it out of my head, I don't think I'll ever recover unless I fully understand exactly what happened to me in detail.

Is this normal for ptsd, or something else like OCD?

 

[Movingforward10]

Totally relate. I really believed that I would never fully believe that the first rape happened because I couldn't remember the precise bit of the rape starting. I remember the lead up, the conversation, the immediate aftermath. But not the immediate start. And without that bit of the puzzle, how would I *know* I had been raped?

Anyway, I've never remembered. And I believe the rape now.

Because of a lot of work learning to accept the rest of the memories tell enough of the story. Learning to trust the fragments. Learning to trust my body and my feelings. Learning what my body is feeling to then be able to trust my assessment of that. Learning about the impact of trauma. And learning to accept a 'knowing'. For example, in another 'event' the fragments are such that they only way I can describe the memories is that my mind shattered into a million pieces that are floating around and all I have is a sense of knowing what happened rather than a memory that can be put together in any form.

You can heal from this with the level of memory you have now.

 

[Rose White]

That’s a really good description of what it takes to have self-compassion and self-acceptance @Movingforward10 .

I feel like there were these critical moments where I had to commit to myself that it was true. And when I fell back on disbelief, discounting, and dismissing then my symptoms would spike.

 

[arfie]

it is normal for me with the added rub that the geophysical/family instability of my childhood makes it nearly impossible to either confirm or deny any of my emergent memories. the dilemma has developed my highly profitable research skills to a high degree but i use therapy provided monitors and tools to assure that the skill doesn't slide off into yet another slide down the proverbial rabbit hole.

radical acceptance (the tick is part of who and what i am) and mindfulness (monitoring) are my most used tools to manage this psychotick. some days it is easier to manage than on other days. it's easier said than done on any given day.

gentle empathy on the challenge, tiler. steadying support while you find what works for you.

 

[Weemie]

I don't think I'll ever recover unless I fully understand exactly what happened to me in detail

Sadly, even if you did recall everything, you still wouldn't understand it. Trauma, particularly interpersonal violence, is chaotic by nature. Wanton destruction is a process of entropy, which is not something our brains are built to process.

I too held a belief that if I could just master and understand it all, I would recover faster. But after seventeen years of dedicated study, the only thing I've learned is that this energy is better spent teaching yourself how to be comfortable with uncertainty.

No being can fully control or master external influences. All we can do is ride the waves, and build up resilience to their endless tides.

 

[somerandomguy]

For years I didn't remember everything that happened to me. I knew basically what had happened but I didn't remember it. And then one time after EMDR I remembered everything.

And I discovered that it really didn't make any difference whether I remembered it or not. It really didn't add any new information to what I had already known anyway. And the memories weren't any more or less painful than the knowing had been.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Sometimes yes. I can get very stressed over knowing what did or didn’t happen exactly. Being unconscious or not fully conscious for some of my abuse is a big bit in my mind. I really wish I knew. But knowing details would give me more shame to get over. I still wish I knew.

 

[tiler]

Thanks everyone, very helpful.

I think it's partly me thinking that if I can remember it all then I can see where I went wrong, or find something I could have changed to make it not happen.

Obviously I can't go back in time, but at least I would know and that would feel comforting somehow even though I would be potentially knowing where I messed up.

But also, I want to remember the 'bits in between'. I just want to feel like I'm back there.... Not really sure why. Some sort of mastery thing I think.

 

[Skywatcher]

For years I didn't remember everything that happened to me. I knew basically what had happened but I didn't remember it. And then one time after EMDR I remembered everything.

And I discovered that it really didn't make any difference whether I remembered it or not. It really didn't add any new information to what I had already known anyway. And the memories weren't any more or less painful than the knowing had been.

Were your trauma memories from early childhood or adult?

 

[tiler]

Were your trauma memories from early childhood or adult?

They were from adulthood.

 

[Skywatcher]

They were from adulthood.

Ooops, I meant to ask that to @somerandomguy

 

[somerandomguy]

Were your trauma memories from early childhood or adult?

Adult.