Conflicting Feelings About Relationships.

[Laura 2]

@Philippa ...think of it this way...you know those three little babies? They are you: the sweet, vulnerable, innocent, easily injured little places in you that just cry out for lots for lots of love and tenderness and holding....:)

 

[Philippa]

I get the impression this was actually pretty painful. But each time he's spent time with you, he blew you off the next day.

He told me he has some kind of brain fog that the doctors can't work out what is wrong with him...that he needed an operation. Everything he said sounded like ptsd to me. He couldn't finish his sentences. Like, at all.

All night he was starting sentences he couldn't seem to finish. When we got to his house he brought a tray of ice cubes into the living room and had no idea why. He put apple juice in his coffee the next morning. That sort of thing.

I really don't think his behaviour was that of a player. He has issues with his brain and doesn't know what is going on. He's seen a few doctors and they can't figure out what is going on with him. At least that is what he told me.

He seems very immature and irresponsible and apparently he doesn't want to commit. In a way he is just being who he is and revealed himself for that. You can like someone who's not right for you and you can like people who are not interested in relationships, but there is no future with them.

Yes, this sounds right. Not very mature and irresponsible. And yes, I can be friends and support him with his health issues if he needs that, but I don't see a future with someone that flaky and unable to organise himself.

It was a bit upsetting, but I don't know that I was overly hurt by it...just disappointed, pissed off and upset mainly. it made me feel that I wasn't high on his list of priorities if he couldn't even go home at a decent hour to sleep knowing we had a date the next day at lunch.

You have to be able to see the difference between a player and a guy who wants to settle down. I don't mean to be mean, but he doesn't seem to be mutually interested in you but he keeps sending random texts. At this point he is stringing you along and its crazy-making. There's hurt feelings and a big headache.

He was interested in me. He asked me out on the first night I hung out with him and wanted to take me to a movie. He introduced me to his friends, and we were having a fun night. I just think he's very flaky and his health issues seem to be a huge obstacle for him. I don't think he's a player. That wasn't the impression I got. I know he liked me.

I think it would be easier for you if you didn't make out, or hook up or do anything sexual with a guy until you determined he was interested.

That was already determined. I do get what you are saying though. Sex is binding chemically and can make it harder to detach if the person turns out to be bad for me. I just really needed to have some affection.

If it's just a one night stand then it's not a problem if the person stands me up, because it's not likely they would ask me out on a date to start with. I wasn't sure where things were going with this guy, but I liked him more than a one night stand.

He wanted to take me out but kept finding his head was so fogged up, which he felt like he needed to drink to remedy. He said he couldn't even play guitar at his band practise without booze to 'help' him. That's a serious issue right there. I think he likes me but can't seem to get his shit together because his brain keeps fogging up.

That's not to make an excuse, and he even said he wasn't making excuses for himself, but he just really isn't in a very good space, which he told me when I first saw him on friday night.He should have told me that at the time and not asked me out until he was sorted out, instead of stringing me along.

I think it would also be better to make out with someone you really like, as opposed to just some stranger you don't know very well at all.

Why do you assume I didn't really like him? I had some fun with him on two nights and we liked each other. When I stayed at his house, I really liked him. I thought he really liked me as well...that was the impression he gave me.

I said before my body was giving me signals that I wanted to have babies with this guy...and I never get that with anyone. He seemed like a totally decent, gentle man, with a few things he needs to improve on and some mysterious health issue that the doctors couldn't determine.

I'm not saying I didn't perhaps rush into things, and maybe my need to get attention and not be on my own any more was blinding me, but I was feeling real stuff for him, and I thought he was pretty keen as well.

Why would he send me a text to arrange a movie and then another text the first time telling me he has tinnitus and brain fog and probably wouldn't be very good company though?

To me it seems like the part of him that likes/desires me is doing what seems natural...asking me out...but then after he does that the health issue keeps messing him around and he can't get his shit together. It comes across as crazy making behaviour, but that doesn't mean it's deliberate in it's intent.

It was odd at the time, and I thought 'tinnitus' was a bit of a lame excuse to cancel a date. the first time was odd but not too upsetting because I didn't know him that well. By the second date we had spent a bit more time getting to know each other and playing pool etc.

Sure, I didn't know him that well, but I got a general feeling for whether I liked him or not, and I did.

Try dating without intimacy. Become friends with someone who accepts you. Then become more intimate with them when you know they have the qualities you do want, like reliability, affection for you, honesty, an open mind.

Yes, this is the more sensible approach, but sometimes things can develop as you go as well, and I don't like to put too many limits on myself according to someone elses idea of when it's the right time to get intimate.

I was a bit high the night I met up with him on friday as well, so I wasn't really thinking beyond having fun with him either at the time. It was only later that night when I went back to his place that I thought there was some kind of potential for a relationship there. Obviously we were on different pages there.

I didn't feel unaccepted by him, but yes, we didn't know each other that well. I know he had affection for me, and an open mind. I spent all night with him and listened to what he was saying and how he interacted with his friends. He was a good guy, just flaky and having health issues that he isn't dealing with very well.

I could see that he was responsible with his son and thought he had a great relationship with him, from what I observed. I'd say, like most people, he is responsible in some ways and irresponsible in others.

Promise yourself that you want a real relationship and that you are going to wait for that no matter how long it takes. Cut out all the people who insult you or string you along at the first sign and you'll be closer to your goal.

I think my friend is right. I am actually conflicted about wanting a relationship.

I've spent so long without one, and gotten so used to being on my own, and not wanting to go through all the crap relationships can bring with them...and also not really in the best space to be attracting the right kind of men to have a relationship with for a long time. I took time out to work on myself and was feeling a bit more like putting myself out there, just to meet more people...with no expectation.

I think I need to get clearer on whether I actually do want a relationship with someone that is serious? I was interested in the polyamorous thing for a while there, but I never really made any effort to meet up with people in the scene and just never really tried.

 

[Philippa]

@Philippa ...think of it this way...you know those three little babies? They are you: the sweet, vulnerable, innocent, easily injured little places in you that just cry out for lots for lots of love and tenderness and holding....:)

Yes, I do need to be held so very badly. I crave it so much, and maybe this has clouded my judgement here? I just really need physical affection, love and to be held.

 

[silkleaves]

Reading through this reminds me of my own love life. On one hand I want the relationship, I want to be married, I always wanted to have another child, at the least, someone to share my life with and well..not die alone.

On the other hand, I feel like no one would ever really be able to stand being with me, that there will always be someone better to be with, and that the thoughts of marriage, another child, a life with someone, is just me dreaming and being stupid, I'm not one of those people.

So...pretty much throughout my life from the time I was 18, I can look at my serious relationships, they all cheated on me, they all treated me with disrespect, they all had no plans whatsoever to settle down and start a life with me, the one who did marry me said he only did it because he felt sorry for me, but then...I was his 4th wife, marriage for him was like casual dating for most people, not something all that serious.

Anyway, in the moment, I made excuses for their behavior, for the way they treated me, I even felt sorry for them and all I wanted to do was to be there for them...make them happy...be at their beck and call, when they remembered I existed and wanted something from me anyway. And in return, they used this to their advantage, and then kicked me to the curb when something else came along.

So yeah...I see a lot of my own behavior in what you are saying and doing. You've only met up with the guy twice, not actual dates even from what I can tell, he hasn't put any effort into making you a priority in his life, yet you are talking about children and the rest of your life and making excuses for him. Not even coming down on you for that...cause hey, that is me all the way! Except now I'm at the point where I cant handle being hurt like this again, so I'm trying a new approach. One I hope works out, but even if it doesnt...trying to let go of my 0% or 100% way of doing things..in that...by the end of the first date either I say no way not seeing this guy again, or oh I like this one, I wonder what our children will look like? And then throw myself into a relationship that doesnt even actually exist.

Im just tired of being treated like crap, tired of crying over guys who aren't even thinking twice about me, tired of all of it. So I think now, I'm a bit better at recognizing when a guy is not treating me right. Then again! Thats what I said before I met my ex...so I know nothing LoL *sigh*

 

[jmni]

@Philippa Well I wasn't aware that he had mental health issues. That provides an entirely different explanation for his behavior.

I don't mean that you don't like him. But, you've only been out with him a few times. You could go out with him a few more times, and then not be able to stand him anymore. Once I was almost 100% sure about a guy and after a few months he said some things to me that felt like a betrayal and made me question who he was and I came to the conclusion I didn't know him as well as I thought I had. I still think of it and I'm baffled by some of the things he said towards the end (I didn't pursue asking him why he said the things he did). It takes people time to show themselves what they're really like. Also it's as though, you like what you know so far, but in other ways he could get better. But if you don't know someone too well, it's only the exterior version.

Yes, this is the more sensible approach, but sometimes things can develop as you go as well, and I don't like to put too many limits on myself according to someone else's idea of when it's the right time to get intimate.

I don't mean to tell you what to do. It's just a method for setting boundaries to protect the your heart. I think it allows more control as well, but I don't know.

 

[Philippa]

So yeah...I see a lot of my own behavior in what you are saying and doing. You've only met up with the guy twice, not actual dates even from what I can tell, he hasn't put any effort into making you a priority in his life, yet you are talking about children and the rest of your life and making excuses for him.

I guess you're right. I did notice myself doing that. I don't usually think that way when I meet someone, and I know it was rushing ahead of things, but my biological clock was talking there, not my brain. I told him I felt like he wasn't making me a priority in his life and that I wasn't willing to put up with the behaviour. I feel pretty stupid about the whole thing. But, I am glad that he showed himself for who he is early in the piece. A dickhead before the date even happens...can't ask for a better and more efficient system of filtering. ;)

 

[Philippa]

@Philippa Well I wasn't aware that he had mental health issues. That provides an entirely different explanation for his behavior.

Oh, I think I mentioned it in my OP, or somewhere in there. I don't know for sure that it is ptsd, but his behaviour and the symptoms he's been presenting sure seem like it to me. The doctors can't seem to work out what is wrong but he has chronic ringing in his ears, so I think it affects his ability to sleep...hence the all night drinking binges?

You could go out with him a few more times, and then not be able to stand him anymore. Once I was almost 100% sure about a guy and after a few months he said some things to me that felt like a betrayal and made me question who he was and I came to the conclusion I didn't know him as well as I thought I had.

Yes, true. I'm aware that first impressions can be wrong and it always takes time to get to know someone better. I was all excited at having met someone new that I liked, who I had fun with, and was aware that the baby urge thing was a bit too soon and rushed. It's out of character for me to even get like that, since I already decided I didn't want kids years ago, and haven't had any problem with my decision since.

I still think of it and I'm baffled by some of the things he said towards the end (I didn't pursue asking him why he said the things he did). It takes people time to show themselves what they're really like. Also it's as though, you like what you know so far, but in other ways he could get better. But if you don't know someone too well, it's only the exterior version.

Oh believe me, I know what you mean here. The last two guys were total duds and they seemed so nice at first. I was wary of my rushed and eager liking of this guy. Not at the time, but the next day I definitely was thinking about it, at night on my own. I know I don't know him, and my track record for meeting people who turned out to be good in that particular place has not been good. Looks like it's 3 times a charm. I won't be going there anymore. I keep meeting idiots who seem nice at first. We're all nice at first.

I don't mean to tell you what to do. It's just a method for setting boundaries to protect the your heart. I think it allows more control as well, but I don't know.

I know, I was just feeling pretty stupid at the time, and didn't really need confirmation of that.

 

[RussH]

Sweetheart, I have been around the block a few times, and this guy is nothing but grief in a bottle. You need to find someone who is stable. This guy is not. With all you are dealing with, CPTSD, you don't need to be dealing with his crap.

 

[silkleaves]

What @RussH said got me to thinking about something... in all my relationships, the guy also had some sort of major issue / mental health problem. Even though I didn't seek it out, just happened that's what I was drawn to I guess, it has *always* been a matter for me of... I need to be there for them, poor them, I need to focus on helping them, on being there for them, on being sensitive to their needs and making things good for them.

Being with someone who had issues of their own, in a way helped me to avoid my own issues, and on the other hand, made me feel like what I was going through was in no way anywhere near as important as what they were going through and feeling. It was all about them, making excuses for them, making allowances for them, letting them get away with whatever because "he has so much to deal with, and I don't want to be yet another problem" and in return...they weren't there for me at all. They weren't even remotely close to giving anything back to me what I was giving to them. I wasn't getting what I needed from a partner, someone who also was compassionate, thoughtful and supportive of me in the way I was to them. It was just about them, their wants, needs and whims.

And @jmni , the last guy I was seeing, it wasn't until 4 months in that he went from being a super cool amazing guy, the first guy since my breakup 4 years ago, that I was happy with, heck, that made it past the 3rd date... to being incredibly insulting and telling me it makes him laugh when someone refers to me as his gf, among other things to make sure I knew he had no interest in me beyond a hook up. And hey, it took about 2 years before my ex revealed himself..and another year before he finally laid it on the line that he was just saying and doing whatever he needed to, to keep me around and keep doing things for him.

So I'm super cautious now...definitely do not trust my judgement when it comes to men. I *know* I don't want to do the whole, spend 4 or 5 years trying to make it work with a guy who I have to forget my own needs and bend my whole life around, only to have him leave after he's done with me and have lost all those years only to have to start over again. I want to meet someone who actually *is* a decent guy, so I'm trying something new here, and taking my time to get to know him before I get too emotionally involved...and that includes waiting to get intimate.

 

[Laura 2]

You've only met up with the guy twice, not actual dates even from what I can tell, he hasn't put any effort into making you a priority in his life, yet you are talking about children and the rest of your life and making excuses for him. Not even coming down on you for that.

@Philippa It occurs to me that you're spending a tremendous amount of time thinking about this guy when you've not even had a proper date. (Yeah, it sounds like he is suffering from TBI aftermath. But it's not your problem, you don't have to make excuses for him or his behaviour - the reality is that he's just not anywheres near ready for a proper relationship.)

This is all about YOUR needs, isn't it? This guy was merely a bit part player, someone who breezed along and accidentally pressed some buttons that were ready to be pressed. Don't feel stupid about it. We all do it, everyone of us in some way or other.

And everyone we meet has stuff, without exception, just like us. Some are better at hiding it than others.

At least you've been able to establish and own some of your needs and look at some of the things that get you all snarled up. That's all rather painful but also good to know.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks Laura 2, I've been taking stock of these things today. I understand it isn't my problem and that the reality is it was bad timing. I've told him I'm not going to stick around and wait, and that I hope he sorts his issues out for his own healths sake.

It has helped to gain some insight into my needs and what gets me in a knot. The second half of the broken text he sent yesterday arrived in my phone a few hours ago, and he said that he was sorry but that's the way things go and that these days he usually laughs when things don't go according to plan, which made me furious, as it felt like he was saying "you over reacted" and was being dismissive of the way it affected me.

I want someone who is brave enough to admit to when they affect someone with their behaviour and doesn't try and make the other person wrong for feeling upset about it and not laughing like they want you to about it.

It's true we did not have a proper date, but I still spent 2 nights (approx 35+ hours) having fun hanging out with him, and liked him. We had a nice chemistry, which I haven't felt with anyone in years. I don't think it's unusual to think about someone you liked who f*cked you around for a whole day, is it?

That doesn't seem like it's an exhorbitant amount of time to me. I felt let down and processed the feelings here, but I don't think I have been talking about him too much. I just sometimes need to get things out of my head by talking about the situation a few times in order to exorcise it.

 

[jmni]

Being with someone who had issues of their own, in a way helped me to avoid my own issues, and on the other hand, made me feel like what I was going through was in no way anywhere near as important as what they were going through and feeling. It was all about them, making excuses for them, making allowances for them, letting them get away with whatever because "he has so much to deal with, and I don't want to be yet another problem" and in return...they weren't there for me at all. They weren't even remotely close to giving anything back to me what I was giving to them. I wasn't getting what I needed from a partner, someone who also was compassionate, thoughtful and supportive of me in the way I was to them. It was just about them, their wants, needs and whims.

When you're with these guys do you even talk about yourself and your problems at all? Personally I feel like I am trying to seem normal or perfect or something. I've never confessed about my ptsd and that's partly one reason I am always alone. I was afraid to share and get rejected and hurt or harassed even, for my illness. But besides that I feel like I don't listen and don't talk either. When that guy flipped on me I didn't ask him why or tell him what I felt even though I was offended. So it continued for a while until i moved away. I wish that I had just told him how I felt so I could hear his response, even if he was bad. Because in retrospect it was like I was only half in the relationship, or just along for the ride.

@jmni , the last guy I was seeing, it wasn't until 4 months in that he went from being a super cool amazing guy, the first guy since my breakup 4 years ago, that I was happy with, heck, that made it past the 3rd date... to being incredibly insulting and telling me it makes him laugh when someone refers to me as his gf, among other things to make sure I knew he had no interest in me beyond a hook up. And hey, it took about 2 years before my ex revealed himself..and another year before he finally laid it on the line that he was just saying and doing whatever he needed to, to keep me around and keep doing things for him.

One T who I didn't especially like said that it usually takes guys about three months to reveal their true colors when they see that other guys stop coming around. Another person told me that I should leave at the first sign of nastiness.

So I'm super cautious now...definitely do not trust my judgement when it comes to men. I *know* I don't want to do the whole, spend 4 or 5 years trying to make it work with a guy who I have to forget my own needs and bend my whole life around, only to have him leave after he's done with me and have lost all those years only to have to start over again. I want to meet someone who actually *is* a decent guy, so I'm trying something new here, and taking my time to get to know him before I get too emotionally involved...and that includes waiting to get intimate.

I am in the same place and doing the same thing.