Poppycocteau
Bronze Member
In the spirit of my new mantra ('The illness is not your fault, but the healing is your responsibility') I made a commitment over the last couple of weeks to face some of the things I have been hating and avoiding for years, things that always take me straight back to when Adam was ill and send me on a downward spiral of anger and fear. Two of the biggest ones are Coke (as in the drink - I hate the sight of the logo, the smell, hate seeing anyone drinking it, avoid the soft drinks aisle in shops), and cigarettes. Cigarettes are worse because I hated the fact that people smoke in the first place and it always riled me up, but now that it's a trigger it even thinking about it can provoke me to such levels of irrational anger that I become violent. I once pushed someone over in the street because he blew smoke in my face. That was quite close to the time of Adam's illness, and I've improved a bit since then.
Anyway, last week I decided I would go and look at the Coke when I did some other shopping. I got more and more nervous as the time to do this approached, and Adam himself came to meet me at the shop and encouraged me. I felt very panicky and dizzy and cried in the shop, but I did it! I didn't pick any up, but I am really proud of doing this, and the fact that I did it and nothing catastrophic happened has given me hope and a sense of responsibility for myself.
Encouraged, I watched a television programme last night that I wouldn't normally - one about expectant mothers who don't deserve to have children and ruin their pregnancies by smoking, driniking and eating garbage. The woman featured was a heavy smoker. Watching it still wound me up terribly and caused me to be very angry and slam doors and things, and I still wanted to strangle the woman . . . but I watched it!
I finally feel like I will be alright eventually, that I will recover some of my old personality. I haven't felt this hopeful about anything for years.
Anyway, last week I decided I would go and look at the Coke when I did some other shopping. I got more and more nervous as the time to do this approached, and Adam himself came to meet me at the shop and encouraged me. I felt very panicky and dizzy and cried in the shop, but I did it! I didn't pick any up, but I am really proud of doing this, and the fact that I did it and nothing catastrophic happened has given me hope and a sense of responsibility for myself.
Encouraged, I watched a television programme last night that I wouldn't normally - one about expectant mothers who don't deserve to have children and ruin their pregnancies by smoking, driniking and eating garbage. The woman featured was a heavy smoker. Watching it still wound me up terribly and caused me to be very angry and slam doors and things, and I still wanted to strangle the woman . . . but I watched it!
I finally feel like I will be alright eventually, that I will recover some of my old personality. I haven't felt this hopeful about anything for years.
