Hi! So, I'm gonna start this out by saying that I was officially diagnosed with PTSD by a therapist(severe PTSD, in fact?). But, I have my doubts about that. I mean, I scored really high on the test she gave me. I have almost every symptom she listed. But, I don't have, arguably, the most important symptom. That is to say, I don't have flashbacks or nightmares.
Now, I'm technically a survivor of domestic abuse. Up until the age of ten(then, counting the times he came back, roughly twelve?), I watched my father abuse my mother pretty severely. I don't remember this. My mother tells me I watched him drag her across the living room floor by her hair while she was pregnant with my sister. I don't remember this. He tried to give me xanax when I was a child. I don't remember this either. As a matter of fact, anything I do remember from the time before my tenth birthday is mundane and unimportant things, like watching the black-and-white King Kong movie or throwing an acorn at my sister one time. But, I don't remember any of these horrible things that I know I witnessed, and I don't have any feelings toward them(except, when they're brought up, I'm extremely uncomfortable, sometimes angry at the person who brought it up, and want to change the subject immediately).
Nowadays, I get feelings my mother says may be associated with sexual trauma. If there's alcohol in the house and I even suspect someone of having drank any I go completely off the wall. I panic and become a whole different person, quick to accuse people of drunkenness and becoming adamant that they stay away from me. I scream and cry and am just all around embarrassing to observe. When I think about alcohol or anything sexual, I feel nauseous. I used to be fairly sexual. I used to masturbate in excess(I'm sorry if that's tmi;;), but nowadays the thought just makes me recoil in disgust. And it's not just disinterest, either. I'm talking about complete disgust with anything relating to alcohol or sex. A disgust I can't even begin to describe. And, the same disgust often gets aimed at myself when these subjects come up. I have the overwhelming feeling of wanting to get as far away from myself as possible, but I'm trapped here and I know I can never leave. I often imagine cutting myself open and letting my spirit ascend from my wicked, disgusting body never to return. None of these feelings seem to be shared with anyone else. I've searched and searched and searched and I come up with nothing. They could be symptoms of PTSD, I don't know. But, what bothers me is that I have a blank space where there should be memories. I have no nightmares. I have no flashbacks. I just have feelings that can't be explained rationally at all. Could my therapist have confused PTSD with another mental illness I may have? Is it possible to have PTSD and absolutely no flashbacks or nightmares? I appreciate any help I receive. Thank you.
Now, I'm technically a survivor of domestic abuse. Up until the age of ten(then, counting the times he came back, roughly twelve?), I watched my father abuse my mother pretty severely. I don't remember this. My mother tells me I watched him drag her across the living room floor by her hair while she was pregnant with my sister. I don't remember this. He tried to give me xanax when I was a child. I don't remember this either. As a matter of fact, anything I do remember from the time before my tenth birthday is mundane and unimportant things, like watching the black-and-white King Kong movie or throwing an acorn at my sister one time. But, I don't remember any of these horrible things that I know I witnessed, and I don't have any feelings toward them(except, when they're brought up, I'm extremely uncomfortable, sometimes angry at the person who brought it up, and want to change the subject immediately).
Nowadays, I get feelings my mother says may be associated with sexual trauma. If there's alcohol in the house and I even suspect someone of having drank any I go completely off the wall. I panic and become a whole different person, quick to accuse people of drunkenness and becoming adamant that they stay away from me. I scream and cry and am just all around embarrassing to observe. When I think about alcohol or anything sexual, I feel nauseous. I used to be fairly sexual. I used to masturbate in excess(I'm sorry if that's tmi;;), but nowadays the thought just makes me recoil in disgust. And it's not just disinterest, either. I'm talking about complete disgust with anything relating to alcohol or sex. A disgust I can't even begin to describe. And, the same disgust often gets aimed at myself when these subjects come up. I have the overwhelming feeling of wanting to get as far away from myself as possible, but I'm trapped here and I know I can never leave. I often imagine cutting myself open and letting my spirit ascend from my wicked, disgusting body never to return. None of these feelings seem to be shared with anyone else. I've searched and searched and searched and I come up with nothing. They could be symptoms of PTSD, I don't know. But, what bothers me is that I have a blank space where there should be memories. I have no nightmares. I have no flashbacks. I just have feelings that can't be explained rationally at all. Could my therapist have confused PTSD with another mental illness I may have? Is it possible to have PTSD and absolutely no flashbacks or nightmares? I appreciate any help I receive. Thank you.
