Consistency And Feeling Exposed

[Suzetig]

It's that time of the week where thoughts turn to my next therapy session. I've got thoughts kicking about my head that I will talk through with my therapist but I'm not sure I make sense to me much less anyone else so thought I'd voice it here first and see if anyone else gets what I mean.

All throughout my life I've been around people who are inconsistent in their relationship with me. Key figures like my parents, close relatives, friends, colleagues and bosses have been very variable, eg with my parents one day X behaviour would be fine, the next day it would annoy them and the day after that I'd get badly beaten all for behaving in the same way across a week. Same with friends who would blow hot and cold - most of my significant relationships have involved me needing to adapt how I relate to people depending on their mood at the time or their view of me, whether they were pleased/annoyed etc.

I now have a therapist who I experience as being completely consistent - she's the same way every time I see her, I've shared some very hard, painful, shameful things with here and still she is consistently warm, welcoming and valuing of me. Now this means I do feel safe with her but I also feel so very exposed. I feel that because she's consistent, I'm more consistent too, because there's less wiggle room. I don't need to shift how I relate to her to accommodate how behaves towards me, but that means she sees me as I am if that makes sense. I find it hard to accept care or concern or positive messages from her, as in it feel unbearable to know that she sees me and can still be caring towards me.

It feels like the thing that makes me feel safest also leaves me feeling most exposed. I have no idea if that makes sense to anyone but it helps to "road test" it here first.

 

[desiderata310]

yes. Makes perfect sense. I don't think I have much more to add to this right now but I am certain I will later. But just know that you are not alone in feeling that way.

 

[Leigh925]

Makes perfect sense to me as well. This is the same experience I have with my therapist. In fact his consistency often catches me off guard and I don't know how to react to that! I am getting used to it. I love it and at the same time struggle with it.

 

[joeylittle]

I know what you're talking about, @Suzetig. I'd call it real vulnerability. If you are used to shifting your "public" self (or coping mask) around depending on who you're with, and don't have many consistent relationships where you hash out all this tough trauma stuff - it's natural to feel defenseless in the face of good, plain trustworthiness.

I sometimes get so rattled by knowing my therapist really knows me.

But overall I think it's a good thing - it's allowing yourself to be exposed, and getting the trauma exposed - sounds like you are really in a good therapeutic relationship.

 

[Suzetig]

Thanks very one yes @joeylittle it is real vulnerability - which I've really struggled with during the whole time I've worked with this therapist. I understand that feeling of being really known, I think that's what I'm scared of. There isn't anyone else in my life who knows all of the "bits" of me, the extent to which I was abused at home and in the community, the impact it's had on me etc etc. I feel like she's gently trying to get me to hold still while she helps me unpick the sore bits.