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Consumed By Sadistic Fantasies Regarding Cops

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Hi Ed,

There are several aspects to what you are describing, I'll try to briefly cover the basics of them.

A common aspect of all of them (apart from you and your thoughts) is an understanding of individual and interpersonal boundaries. Any increase in our understanding and respect for boundaries is a good thing.

First your thoughts; so long as they stay in your head and never translate into aggression against another individual, are yours alone - think what ever you like, you mind is yours, only you have direct access to it, and only you can choose to communicate what you do in there with others.

Whether what you do in your mind helps and informs your every day interactions, is neutral or irrelevant to those interactions, or actually obfuscates, confuses and is harmful to those interactions is a seperate matter to your freedom to indulge in those thoughts.

I had better clarify my own position, that I am against all aggression. I do not think that aggression can be justified on any grounds by anyone (individual or group. Shiny badges, blue or green costumes and silly hats and wigs do not grant exemptions to that principle). I also do not believe that a second wrong ever makes things right. I derive my rejection of aggression from my own self ownership, and from recognition of the individual self ownership of others. There's a pretty good introduction to the basic principles of "the philosophy of liberty" by free keene, on youtube.

Rejection of aggression does not mean rejection of self defence in response to aggression. Larken Rose, has explored the concept of self defence against individuals who claim to be entitled to aggress against you. You are welcome to make your own informed judgements on what Rose has to say.

I'm actually with you in rejecting the institution which is the thieving and bullying gang in blue costumes:
A monopoly can only exist through the aggressive suppression of competition - state sector cops are a monopoly, that's what they do.

By definition (ceteris paribus) a monopoly will give fewer and lower quality goods and at higher cost than freely competing providers.

due to the disutility of labour, and the desire to have a higher return from doing less work (as opposed to doing more work and getting the same or a lower return) there is a continuing trend of getting ever less and lower quality goods and services at ever increasing cost from a monopoly over time (where as free competition would have tended to give ever increasing quality and quantity goods and services at ever decreasing cost).

also by definition, a consensual exchange only takes place if both parties expect (ex-ante) to subjectively gain from it - in a coercive exchange, one party expects to gain at the expense of another - cops are funded from tax ie, coercively. If both parties had expected to gain more than they gave up - coercion would have been un necessary as the parties would have freely consented to the exchange. That coercion was used, shows that one party expected to loose out, and was forced to participate.

Without customers freely choosing what to buy or abstain from buying, competition and the profit and loss tests of a free market - cops have no way of knowing what goods and services, where and in what quantity are most valued by their "customers". This is the same calculational chaos and "knowledge problem" which besets all monopoly and coercive enterprises, and which brought down the largest coercive monopoly enterprise of all time - the Soviet Empire.

The result of zero cost at the point of use is excessive demand -hence rationing of supply must take place - this rationing is either bureaucratic and arbitrary, chaotic and ad hoc, or highly politicized.


What about the individual cops?
I'm willing to accept that there are a few people who join up with good intentions. Perhaps a few remain ignorant of what the institution is doing and stay there.

Others wake up and get the hell out, or, fall foul or the corrupt practices and the collusion of the corrupt, the narcissistic and the psychopathic individuals who are inevitably attracted by power over others - and either get thrown out or become victims themselves.

Both the Milgram experiment and the Stanford Prison experiment show that the assumption of "authoritah" (see the South Park clips for Cartman's illustrations of just how ridiculous a concept the belief of one individual that he or she holds "authortah!" over another individual is in individual terms), very rapidly results in serious abuses.

Sure, you might get the occasional nice cop, but we all know what a "bad apple" is supposed to do to the whole barrel, and the incentives which I've partly listed are operating in favour of the rot.
 
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I can see why your anger is justified and I disagree that it is counterproductive. You are moving through the stages of healing, and this is one of those stages. Anger can be a great motivator. It can move you forward. I think that excess anger, perhaps as you are experiencing, IS a problem, but a lower level of anger isn't anything to simply push aside because anger is "bad".

Is anger a cover feeling? Anger is hardly ever just anger for me. Its usually fear disguised as anger, because its unsafe to feel fear, so I get angry and defensive. This is why when I'm in a bad episode I just have to walk away from people because if I don't, the anger comes out and things don't go well. If I can be by myself, the anger will subside and I will be able to feel the fear.

Does your anger keep you safe? I think this is something you should consider. I know my anger keeps me safe. As long as I'm angry at the person who makes me feel UNsafe, then I can keep myself feeling safe. Does this make sense? But, let that wall of anger down and feel the fear, coupled with an extreme feeling of unsafety, well that's a recipe for hospitalization on taking off without a word and never coming back (yeah, I've been close to doing that a few times just to feel safe again).
 
First off, I want to validate that it's normal to think about this kind of stuff.

I can relate to rage; I have had dark thoughts about cops, my father, a male roommate in the past who really stepped a line, etc...

It's important to understand what rage is in order to not only "manage" but heal it eventually. Forgive yourself for these dark thoughts. you didn't act on them so it's ok.

Small bit of advice: in the meantime, although it's hard, block out the news for a while. Because yes, cops are murdering innocent people at alarming rates, and this will not help you feel better by hearing about it over and over. You will feel directly attacked by these stories and they will trigger bad memories.

Second, get a punching bag. I'm on craigslist right now in another tab for the same thing lol... Punch the shit out of it until you feel like sobbing. Then sob and let yourself go there as many times as you need to. Try to have a space where you can go ape shit on the bag and it won't disturb people or you won't be worried about their reactions.

I'm not sure my advice it so great but it does help me. I deactivated my facebook mostly because of all the f*cked up things cops are doing and all the other dark scary news people are always posting. I come here instead and leaving FB has enriched my life a lot. I also deactivated cable and use netflix, dvds/downloads to entertain myself. I'm not telling you to do this or anything, but having less bad information thrown at me has helped me calm anger and anxiety a bit (still have a ways to go).

Also remember we are here for you on this forum and you are not a bad person for feeling this way.
 
@shandemonium - excellent advice.

To repeat what I wrote in the recent 9/11 thread: Mainstream news is mostly gaslighting. Avoiding it completely makes me feel much happier.

I accidentally caught a little of the mainstream news tonight, at a neighbours house - and apparently "we" are now in another war - last time I looked, I wasn't in a war, and I don't think anyone else who posted on this thread is in a war either.

Note to self, must get punch bag and need to get back to practising katas too.
 
I finally feel the anger. In the past I have had it well surpressed. It was hidden behind fear and anxiety.

Your anger is justified. It's not wrong to be angry, so don't start punishing yourself for that. Some people think sadistically all the time and in a way your brain is sort of changing to allow that. I know how you feel. Now that I am alone, and have peace and quiet my anger has become more difficult to deal with. I wasn't able to express myself before and I had reasons to be angry. If you did what was in your head, that wouldn't be justified. But you haven't.

Everyime I experience something terrible, I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and prevent it before it happened. I wish I could be the self I was before it happened. But at that time, I didn't appreciate what I had.

If you compare yourself to a real psychotic sadist who gets away with everything, you feel like they're scum and beneath you when you have clarity. But if you know someone like that, you begin to envy what they can get away with and hate them for not being punished. There are people like terrorists and psychotic sex offenders who never get the punishment that they deserve, even if they go to prison. But on the other hand it's not as if there are no consequencces to their actions. I don't believe that a sadist that lashes out at people is free from any consequences. They are on a downward spiral. I doubt they can ever genuinely feel dominant, even if it's in their minds. If you haven't been the victim or brutality at the hand of corrupt officers, you are innocent of that. This means that you care, which is a good thing. But if you have, you survived that.

I think this is like a complex where you're fixated on fear and punishment. And if you pull yourself away from that, it's a bit ridiculous. It's a waste of energy to be consumed by something you can't control. Who do you hate? Cops in gneral. There are corrupt creepy cops, but most work for justice. No matter what, you are going to encounter some idiot who wants to seem tough or even more crazy people who want to lash out so they can tell themselvs they're dominant. They're probably just losers who were beaten up in highschool a lot, who are too shallow r weird to care that they look stupid.

It's just not that uncommon for people to fail. Consider all of the people who were suppose to be both good and powerful, who failed during the holocaust.
 
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@jmni I think you are using the word psychotic in the wrong way.

Dead Link Removed
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Psychosis/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Being psychotic can happen as a result of trauma. Instead of adding stigma to it (even if done so unintentionally) by using the term to describe "sadists" and "sex offenders", maybe it would be better to understand that sadists and sex offenders are probably far more self aware than someone who is delusional and/or hallucinating. Psychotic = completely out of touch with reality and having an actual breakdown, in a diagnosable and hospitalisation kind of way, as opposed to being an Epic Dick, like the people you are describing jmni.

I have seen the word psychotic being thrown around, and I struggle with the context it is being used in on this forum. It is not an everyday word where I'm from, it is caused by mental illness or a traumatic event. Obviously everyone has the right to free speech. However as I have seen the word used a few times, I felt it necessary to educate here so that greater understanding can be given, and that is my reasoning behind pointing this out.

@Ed Norton you've had some really great advice here. I liked this:

And the end result of all this is actually "letting it go".

Ed, I hope one day that as you walk down the street and see police officers that you do not fear or hate them for the brutality some officers put you though. Horrendous and breathtaking are my only words for it [we spoke about this in chat months ago]. You survived their rage and sadly this has left you with your own. It is difficult when you can feel the emotions and there is no off switch.

It is breaking the visual trigger of seeing the police that may be difficult, IMHO. This might involve a lot of challenging your thoughts, possibly the automatic ones. I think joeylittle mentions redirecting your thoughts elsewhere. You could also come up with a phrase to calm yourself when triggered, to remind yourself it is not all police or that you are safe, although that is a lot easier said than done.

I believe you will manage the anger, because you want to and reached out for support. I wish you all the best in getting there. Remember to be kind to yourself after therapy sessions :hug:. Thank you for starting this thread, I learned a lot.
 
@rainy_daze
That use to irritate me too. Finally I just succumbed to the idea that if someone is willing to lash out their sadistic sexual fantasy on a non-party that has nothing to do with them, then they are really having some kind of psychosis in which they are sexually wanted or whatever they imagine themselves to be, even though that is not the case. Although I think everything you said sounds accurate.
 
Fair enough @jmni I can see why you look at it that way. I don't want to take the thread off topic, but thank you for explaining more of your reasoning behind using the word in that context.
 
Once again, thanks everyone for the responses. I see a few questions that I will answer shortly. But I'm very overwhelmed right now and have a lot of trouble writing. Nobody is being ignored!

To all of my friends I'm so sorry that I haven't been available
 
I totally forgot about this. I guess I don't hate them all now but there's a huge, huge, huge problem to the extent that I don't want any interaction with them nor do I trust them. Only, very recently did I see one admit there's a problem. Until they stop thinking they are at war then I can't trust them. They mostly work for middle class Whites, QED. All else is a war. All? No but way more than enough.
 
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