Contradictions.

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I want a relationship that comes from a strong friendship but I only want the relationship part. I want a relationship but I don't want anyone to know or experience me and I just want to be completely isolated and alone. I want to be held and let know that I'm safe but I don't want to be touched. I want to be appreciated and loved but I don't want to be a acknowledged as living. I want to be able to enjoy a physical relationship but I don't want to be seen as female. I fear others but want to know it's safe not to fear them. I want to know I have the ability to date but I don't actually want to go out and do it. I want to know that i'm capable of being loved with out experiencing it. I don't want to be alone forever but I don't know how not to be. I don't know how to meet people if I do want friends or a relationship. I don't understand anything or how to fix it but I understand too much and can help others with fixing.

Confuzzled >_<

 

[Abstract]

It is confuzzling Kas.

Almost everything I think or feel is paradoxical. It drives me totally nuts....

 

[Britt.f7]

Sounds normal to me.

When I went through intense therapy for the sexual abuse/PTSD, I came out fighting and ready for a relationship. For a healthy relationship. Then I found one, and, though I married, I put it through the paces. Sometimes I still want to be alone thinking that that is really how I should be. But I am thankful he is a patient, understanding, person.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Well that's something I suppose, normal or not, what can I do about it? Right now (like this minute, not in general recently ) I feel so angry and upset and like I need a hug all at the same time, I feel violated and I realise that I was and I don't know how to deal with it or how to get past that, how do I ever trust anyone ever again or even try? Worse still how will anyone else ever get be able to deal with that and how will I ever meet anyone if I never leave the house. I think I'm probably confused and trying to tackle many different feelings/thought processes right at this very moment. I feel very uncomfortable with it all in my head. :(

 

[Britt.f7]

I always think it's good to get things outside of your head, no matter how confusing they sound. It takes work to get to the spots you are talking about. The thing is, you are talking about it. That is a good thing. I've been married 19 years now. I still go back and forth in my needs or thoughts. I hate when they feel like how you are describing, but I try to ride them out. I, at least for that moment, pick one or the other. I try to pick the one that actually means some sort of human contact. It is definitely not easy. Scary even. But, someday, maybe not today, or even tomorrow, you will pick the scarier of the two and it will work out. I'm speaking from experience. Deep breath.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

When you said you'd been in a relationship for 19 years I did the common thing of forgetting my age and thought that's older than me and I felt like I was 15 feeling like I was 50, when I actually am 24. Sometimes I feel so old and others so young and usually both at the same time. I suppose I used to feel too old for my age when I was younger, so now feeling like I did back then is very confusing. Usually I feel like 24 is so old and I've wasted so much time, but when I remember it's still young I feel sad that I've been through so much - which is probably the compassion I've ever shown myself. It all feels so alien and I wish someone was here not to help me through it like a therapist but to hold my hand and help make things better.

 

[Badger]

I love your contradictions, it reminds me of my sufferer. I threatened to wrap him in yellow caution tape for his Halloween costume. Im sure you would look great in it too...We are in cautious scary tiptoeing love, Im sure you will find your person out there who wants to go the extra mile for you as well.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I have white and red FRAGILE tape, maybe a combination of the two :)

 

[Jenfa]

I hear that. I totally love people, for about 2 weeks. Then it's like.. why u callin' me? Even though it's what I thought I wanted when I got into the idea of dating. The novelty wears off and I come to conclusion that if we go further than 2 weeks, then I have to tell him about myself.. and that's scary. Not so much about my past, though. If anyone has a problem with that, then they can draft, engineer and manufacture a time machine to send my ass back to fix it.. but until then, screw them. But having to say things like "ptsd" or "disability" or "bipolar" , pair that up with some other sexy terms that they never heard of and blam you got yourself either a bonafide saint, or the just the most insane person you've ever met. I mean, really... lol. Now that I flash back to all of the winners I've loved before, I can see now the pattern of predatory idiocy. Hmm.. if I only went for the types that I felt the safest with, I guess picking 'the dude' seems pretty normal over 007. Well, I'm not getting any younger. Time to heighten the bar a tad lmao

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

The fact of the matter is my first relationship was good, it even ended positively. But since then I have been on two dates the first forcibly moved in to my home despite the fact I kept breaking up with him (on the first date) and started stalking me, I moved and changed my number. And the second one was just awkward and we were both too shy to say anything. It was all unpleasant. But I don't know how to try again, how to get human contact in the first place let alone stick with it for long enough for it to develop. How do you meet anyone when you're terrified of humans and cannot leave the house.

 

[p-no]

Kas_Can_Fly, a friend of mine said to me, and I fully agree, that you can only gain experience with a person or people when you get into a relationship with them. I mean relationship in a general term (e.g. friendship, friendly colleagues, dating, love relationship, etc.), as it applies to all.

She also said that the men she was seeing but with who things did not work out were "men for practicing". She does not mean this in a bad way at all, not using them for a purpose intentionally, and then letting them go, but sometimes relationships just don't work out. That is normal. And once that happens to her, she has tried to view the man as a man having been in her life to give her practice in relationships.

I like that image and have adapted it for me. It is possible only to a certain extent to learn in theory what relationships are. It is necessary to make experiences in relationships though to really learn dynamics, boundaries, shifting of boundaries, dealing with change, etc.

I can relate a lot to what you've been saying in your posts. This topic is something that can not be figured out over night, it's work in progress. While on that path, I hope you will be able to nurture the part of you that longs for someone holding their hand and seeing them through.

 

[Badger]

Hah you PTSD people are so different from us supporters. I fall way too hard for people and then I have a huge problem extricating myself from my mess. I get this picture of what they are going to be like in my head, when the reality is I dont know enough about them to know wether or not they would be any good for me. I dont think this is working for me, and I would say I probably ought to avoid physical intimacy, but it doesnt seem to matter. When you are isolated, and you do make contact with someone else you tend to blow it out of proportion. I have 2 kids and no real time for socialization, so thats what happens. I should just embrace my inner hermit, and not have anything to do with anyone.