Core beliefs handed down from parents

[Ecdysis]

As part of therapy, I'm trying to work out what core beliefs my parents handed down to me/ actively taught me.

M: Other people are dangerous. They judge you. They try to harm you. You have to be "perfect" so they can't call you out. It's never safe being around other people.

F: Other people are disappointing. They are shallow, dumb and predictable. Most of them are harmless, but also boring and lame.

There's tons more, but my brain has shut down... damnit... will have to wait until I can think more clearly about the other messages I was taught about people/ the world/ life/ me/ etc.

Edit to add... oh yeah... I guess a combination of M & F was also the message: You should not want to fit in and you should not try to fit in. You should learn to camouflage, as a form of protection. But you should not *want* to fit in with others who are a) not safe and b) not worthwhile.

Eww... freaky mix of weird parental core beliefs...

 

[No More]

Ahhh yes, I got the classic.

Mental illness is weak and shameful. You should pull yourself together.

Well okay, you can be a crazy f*cker as long as you do it in private where no one can see or hear you - just don’t do anything in ~PuBLiC~

 

[Ecdysis]

Yes, a classic.

I'm trying to think what my parents' messaging was about mental illness... I think they both lived like "feelings don't exist - at all".... so how could they get messy or out of control? I guess my parents lived the motto "If you don't have a psyche then you can't get psychologically ill" ...?

Do you know where your parents' core beliefs about mental illness came from?

I was watching a documentary about Nirvana and Kurt Cobain on the weekend and I think, each in their own way, my parents were sort of outsiders... My mother was the teacher's pet and was almost autisitc in terms of not being able to interact normally with her peers and my dad was really smart and good looking but emotionally wrought and compensated his not fitting in by feeling superior to everyone else and by being an intellectual and by assuming that made him a better person than everyone else, even tho he sucked at some really basic "non-intellectual" life stuff.

 

[No More]

I'm trying to think what my parents' messaging was about mental illness... I think they both lived like "feelings don't exist - at all".... so how could they get messy or out of control? I guess my parents lived the motto "If you don't have a psyche then you can't get psychologically ill" ...?

Yea mine were more of the, you can have feelings, as long as you have them on your own away from everyone else and nobody else is exposed to them.

I can’t say I’ve ever thought much about where it came from for them. Interesting subject, I shall sit here and have a think on that. Thanks @Ecdysis really interesting!!

Do you find being aware of the core beliefs helps change them? I’ve never really got a good handle on changing mine, I recognise when it comes up, and go aha, and redirect myself and see it from a different view. But my reflex would be to go back to that core belief.

 

[Ecdysis]

I used to spend time working on my negative core beliefs... but I think this is my current insight on them:

Epiphany about my core beliefs... are they in fact just C-PTSD flashbacks?

So, I've been listening to Pete Walker's C-PTSD audiobook a lot lately... (Audiobooks are easier on my brain than reading, atm...) And I think I may have had an epiphany about my core beliefs... I think they may just be a complicated version of a C-PTSD flashback... Pete Walker describes...

www.myptsd.com

I think the intensity of how much I believe them (for example "I'm a failure") varies hugely depending on the state of mind I'm in.

Sometimes I won't believe them at all, sometimes they're just more or less harmlessly simmering away in the background... but when they rise to a level of intensity that's quite harmful and also really hard to shift... well, I'm starting to think that that's me being *in* an emotional C-PTSD flashback which is why I'm buying into those negative core beliefs so fully... And instead of arguing the core belief is wrong, I just need need to get the heck out of the flashback and then my core beliefs go back to being relatively helpful and relatively benign.

I'm starting to look at my parents' core beliefs in therapy tho because they're a lot more subtle... They're sort of floating around like these weird messages that I'm not fully conscious of, but that affect me quite profoundly... I guess by the nature of childhood, these things seeped into my subconscious as opposed to into my conscious thinking... So I'm trying to work out what messages about the world/ about life my parents taught as being "real and normal" because they were fully convinced that they were.

Oh yeah... one of the other things I should get into in a later post is how my parents had a few weird... I guess you'd call them conspiracy theories now days... Back then I would've said that they just had a very... negative, doomy, gloomy outlook on life... Nowadays, I'd be more likely to say they were kinda paranoid and were sure the world was going to "come to a bad end" and were sort of preppers... They didn't dig out a bunker in the back yard... but they weren't actually that far away from doing that kind of stuff either... Hmmm...

 

[arfie]

There's tons more, but my brain has shut down...

in my own recovery, i have come to respect those brain shut downs as a signal to slow down. the process runs smoother when i take it in small bites. taking on too much at once tempts me to verbal vomit more than inward healing.

easy does it, my healing warrior. itsy bitsy baby steps.

 

[Midnightmoon]

God yes, allll of these. Hurrah for dysfunctional parenting.

 

[Friday]

Well okay, you can be a crazy f*cker as long as you do it in private where no one can see or hear you - just don’t do anything in ~PuBLiC~

Heard Miranda Lambert's 'Mama's Broken Heart'??? Cracks me the hell up.

Spoiler: Run & HIDE your crazy & start acting like a lady!

I've lived in a few different cultures where "saving face" forms the backbone of ...durn near close to "All Things"... but the Deep South has a seeeeeeriously special brand of it!

As part of therapy, I'm trying to work out what core beliefs my parents handed down to me/ actively taught me.

I broke badly enough (once upon a time) that I only have to worry about my parents core beliefs (and ways of life/ living/ values/ beliefs/ ethics/ morals) ...when I'm actively around them or engaging with them. As I had to rewrite my own from the ground up.

One useful trick I learned in navigating family politics & expectations AFTER that? Don't just look at the problematic core beliefs you were raised in, or the ones you disagree with, but SPECTRUM it, a couple/few ways.

1. Good. Neutral. Bad.
2. Agree with. Understand. Disagree with.
3. Good BUT disagree with. Sympathy &/or Empathy. Problematic BUT agree with.
4. Infuriating. WTFO?!? Afraid of.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thanks @Friday - really good points!