Corona craziness + PTSD + anxiety = ???

[Friday]

Am I being selfish? Childish? Some clarity (or empathy ) please!

SHE was being selfish & childish... at the very least/best. Throwing a fit for attention, right in the middle of something that was important to you... rather than being grown-up, with a real problem to be solved, and bringing it to you at a time where you can both discuss it?

Pay attention to MEEEEEEEEEEE & lashing out, during a solemn, difficult, and very short moment? Un-fawking-acceptable. Unless you’re 2. And don’t understand anything of the world around you, or have a care for anyone or anything beyond your immediate wants.

Now, I can’t speak for how things have been working in your home aside from this tantrum of your moms. It’s entirely possible that a great deal needs to change in order for the two of you to live together. Being a spoiled nasty brat about it makes it faaaaaar less likely for there to be any real/lasting change, in my experience... but that doesn’t mean that real and lasting change isn’t needed/wanted/warranted.

Personally? I can’t have an adult discussion with my parents, because they don’t view me as an adult. Nor can I have a respectful conversation with my parents, because they don’t respect me. Which means I enter into ANY conversation with them very much on my back foot, and generally try and avoid any meaningful discussions with them, entirely.
>.<
Which is vexing as hell. But it’s also a known quantity. Any change I want in my life with them? Is not going to be a team effort. It has to be somehing that I work out on my own, that they reap the benefits of. Or bitch non-stop about. Or, more often? Both. :banghead:

(Minor case in point? I only clean when they’re gone. Because the BITCHING, snide comments, passive aggressive sabotage, and OMFG the BITCHING... is just not something I’m willing to deal with. They loooooooove the end results :inlove: but they can never seem to add together 1+1=2 :banghead: Meaning if you WANT it to be this clean, all the time? The methods I use -that you bitch and moooooan and bitch and moan about- are what I use. But my methods are different than theirs. And therefore ridiculous, stupid, inferior, wrong, to be ridiculed, mocked, outright halted, sneered at, etc. :rolleyes: Aaaaaaand Yet? They achieve the results they want, and don’t get wih their own methods. Shrug. I’ve never tried to get them to adopt my methods, but they won’t let me do things that I AM DOING in peace. Instead it’s nonstop comments from the peanut gallery. I’m not willing to work in those conditions, so I don’t. I wait until they’re gone, and then do things as I please. <<<< What’s only a teeny tiny bit obnoxious? If anyone else in my family does the exact same thing the exact same way? They’re just So. Impressed. Snort. Until “Friday taught me...” and then they laugh at the “joke”, and if my brother/sister etc. insists? No, really. Last time I stayed at Friday’s house, this is how she did... and then they get pissed of at ME. :banghead: Oh FFS. FAMILY. :banghead: Sigh. )

I have no idea why my parents can’t treat me like a grownup. They don’t have any difficulty treating any of their other children rationally. But it’s not a situation I can change, so I work with what I’ve got.

 

[Smile]

Pay attention to MEEEEEEEEEEE & lashing out, during a solemn, difficult, and very short moment? Un-fawking-acceptable. Unless you’re 2

Hahahahhahaha! I couldn’t of said it better ?

 

[Starfire]

Reaching out for some help. I’m in New York City... the hot zone. I know over THIRTY people who have died from this. Funerals are driving by my house...2-4 per day. Every so often we get 1 ....

OMG can't even imagine what you are going thru. You sound like a brave soul. Then taking care of your Mom on top of it. Complicates things. Got to think she and your family appreciate what you are doing but fear makes words and attitudes come out crooked. Hope you can do something nice and calming for yourself. Please keep us up on how you are doing. Take care of yourself.

 

[Smile]

OMG can't even imagine what you are going thru. You sound like a brave soul. Then taking care of your Mom on top of it. Complicates things. Got to think she and your family appreciate what you are doing but fear makes words and attitudes come out crooked. Hope you can do something nice and calming for yourself. Please keep us up on how you are doing. Take care of yourself.

Aww, your so sweet . Thanks for your lovely words but... I’m NOT brave. I want to run away so badly.

And yes, my siblings do say thank you but I don’t really like that because I’m not doing it for them, I’m doing it bc it’s my mother... no matter how much she may have messed up my life I know she doesn’t (usually) mean it.

 

[Starfire]

Think that's the definition of bravery.You want to run away but you stay and help! Take care of yourself. You are a good son.

 

[Smile]

So update time (should I be making this a new post?): things have calmed down SO much regarding corona... thank goodness. But about 2 weeks ago my friend and former classmate passed away. That one shocked me to my core. She was just the sweetest person. And a few years ago her 2 younger sisters drowned in a pool. So that was devastating. I’m not allowing myself to think about it yet because I’m not in a strong enough place yet to deal with this new reality.

So I can’t seem to get my anxiety under control. Constant panic attacks. Waking up multiple times during the night, soaked in sweat from some nightmare I usually don’t remember. And to make things more fun, a week ago I walked in the house and my mom was lying on the floor. She had tripped and fallen a little earlier & couldn’t get up. THANK GOODNESS she wasn’t hurt but I had to lift her up and she weighs close to 300! And I have 5 herniated discs in my back so that was physically painful and I started getting more scared.

Then this past weekend momz heart started racing and she felt heaviness in her chest. Whatever I tried wasn’t helping so I called an ambulance & They took us t They took us tO the hospital. Hospital let me in by mistake so I stayed there for four - five hours that we were there. I was having constant panic attacks because I have a problem when locked into a place- agoraphobia. Since then mother has been having chest pains and heaviness on her chest episodes few times a day. I’ve spoken to her cardiologist three times and will call him again today.
This is just all too hard And I don’t know how much more of that I can take.
Any any suggestions would be greatly greatly appreciated.
Again, I hope you’re OK and safe and well :-)

 

[Smile]

Think that's the definition of bravery.You want to run away but you stay and help! Take care of yourself. You are a good son.

I don’t necessarily agree but I appreciate that. And I am a daughter :-)

 

[Starfire]

???

 

[Mach123]

SHE was being selfish & childish... at the very least/best. Throwing a fit for attention, right in the middle of something that was important to you... rather than being grown-up, with a real problem to be solved, and bringing it to you at a time where you can both discuss it?

Pay attention to MEEEEEEEEEEE & lashing out, during a solemn, difficult, and very short moment? Un-fawking-acceptable. Unless you’re 2. And don’t understand anything of the world around you, or have a care for anyone or anything beyond your immediate wants.

Now, I can’t speak for how things have been working in your home aside from this tantrum of your moms. It’s entirely possible that a great deal needs to change in order for the two of you to live together. Being a spoiled nasty brat about it makes it faaaaaar less likely for there to be any real/lasting change, in my experience... but that doesn’t mean that real and lasting change isn’t needed/wanted/warranted.

Personally? I can’t have an adult discussion with my parents, because they don’t view me as an adult. Nor can I have a respectful conversation with my parents, because they don’t respect me. Which means I enter into ANY conversation with them very much on my back foot, and generally try and avoid any meaningful discussions with them, entirely.
>.<
Which is vexing as hell. But it’s also a known quantity. Any change I want in my life with them? Is not going to be a team effort. It has to be somehing that I work out on my own, that they reap the benefits of. Or bitch non-stop about. Or, more often? Both. :banghead:

(Minor case in point? I only clean when they’re gone. Because the BITCHING, snide comments, passive aggressive sabotage, and OMFG the BITCHING... is just not something I’m willing to deal with. They loooooooove the end results :inlove: but they can never seem to add together 1+1=2 :banghead: Meaning if you WANT it to be this clean, all the time? The methods I use -that you bitch and moooooan and bitch and moan about- are what I use. But my methods are different than theirs. And therefore ridiculous, stupid, inferior, wrong, to be ridiculed, mocked, outright halted, sneered at, etc. :rolleyes: Aaaaaaand Yet? They achieve the results they want, and don’t get wih their own methods. Shrug. I’ve never tried to get them to adopt my methods, but they won’t let me do things that I AM DOING in peace. Instead it’s nonstop comments from the peanut gallery. I’m not willing to work in those conditions, so I don’t. I wait until they’re gone, and then do things as I please. <<<< What’s only a teeny tiny bit obnoxious? If anyone else in my family does the exact same thing the exact same way? They’re just So. Impressed. Snort. Until “Friday taught me...” and then they laugh at the “joke”, and if my brother/sister etc. insists? No, really. Last time I stayed at Friday’s house, this is how she did... and then they get pissed of at ME. :banghead: Oh FFS. FAMILY. :banghead: Sigh. )

I have no idea why my parents can’t treat me like a grownup. They don’t have any difficulty treating any of their other children rationally. But it’s not a situation I can change, so I work with what I’ve got.

Hey I wanted to say thanks for your apt description of the parent adult child dynamic and that it can be impossible except perhaps for a tiny minority.

I have that going on here now and I know it can't work and I'm unconcerned. Just because people should be able to do things doesn't mean they are able. I have no problems with extended family living situations, but everyone has to be willing to cooperate. We aren't always afforded the luxury of everyone being reasonable.

 

[lee23]

The current situation is enough to make anyone anxious. Many people are going through a collective trauma right now. It's doubly hard with those of us who already had existing mental health and trauma issues.

You're not selfish for taking care of yourself, and having a hard time focusing is totally understandable right now. It's perfectly normal to need time and space alone, and it was really cruel of your mom to try to make you feel guilty for that. She needs to understand that you won't have the mental/emotional resources to care of her if you don't take care of yourself as well. It's like the oxygen mask on airplanes - you need to put your own on first before you can help other people.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @Smile - just read through your post and wow so much has been going on.

Well done for surviving the mother - daughter relationship this far plus corona and plus your mothers ongoing ill-health.

I don't think I even have 45 people that I know or would know about so to lose such a large & important part of your life must be really hard.

Did you end up buying your tiny house? Have your siblings done anything aside from observe?

 

[Smile]

No worries, I thought you wouldn't have the spoons for it now nor mind room. Mostly was an idea of how to get some pause from what's going on & a sense life continues.

You're absolutely not being selfish nor childish or demanding or hostile.

You are having normal and healthy needs for privacy and space as well as time to yourself & relaxing. All very needed to meet needs.

How your mother delivered that message is overbearing at the minimum, just plain cruel dick move otherwise.

I'm sorry for your loss and it should be never used against you. By anyone.

I'm not much of a hearts & hugs but Hearts & hugs. :) You're doing okay, not going mad, it's the situation that's maddening and what happened, not you.

It won't be like this forever, either, and you are doing admirable and incredibly patience requiring good things, not bad things.

I just wanted you to know that the wording u used to describe what my mom did was so so very helpful, soothing, empathetic. Exactly what I needed at the time. But MORE importantly, I still need! I keep coming back to what u said whenever I feel like I’m going nuts and ur words calm me down. MaKe me feel like less of a bad person.

So once again, a truly heartfelt thank you!

All of you have been so kind to me