Courage Versus Looking For A Way Out?

[Tinyflame]

I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know what there is even to help, or who or how or where. :(

I suppose (or I'm trying to) that's it's feelings of sorrow & panic which is why I feel as I do? Can't remember re: SI what your supposed to do, re Crisis plans. All I can remember is 'code words' & the Samaritans (they weren't useful last time).

I guess I've burnt everyone out. :( I'm so sorry. :(

 

[ninja]

Hi @Junebug

I'm here and not burned out:ninja:, though in a very apologetic form because I cannot seem to get the right words out.:rolleyes: I have a baby blanket (ironically went unused when I was a baby) which I cover my head with partially and stroke over and over when the agony floods, or even just when I need to feel some tiny sense of relief as a reminder. I've learned that time is sometimes the only fix. Sometimes I walk in circles with it if I am too restless to lay down. I don't find the numbers they tell you to call helpful because it is too scary to talk, especially to new people. Big (virtual) hugs if you would like them. :hug: Keep us posted.

 

[Tinyflame]

You are so very kind @Ninja . I am sorry you are familiar with it. Hugs for you. I can't talk to strangers, but my fault not theirs. I am trying. I just typed a thread for help or guidance but Idk if it's any use because I don't know how to explain myself. I too feel raw.

I thank you for your deep kindness, xox.

 

[seedling]

I guess I've burnt everyone out.

Cognitive distortion there. I don't feel burnt out on your company. Be sure to not go away.

I'm so sorry. :(

I don't see anything for you to be sorry about.

Each single lowly unimportant person of us is a legitimate concern. That's all there are, after all, is "no one here but us chickens."

You are doing well to get it down on here, if you need crisis plan try to do it when you are feeling better (and, that time will come) and then keep it somewhere you can see/get it easily. My mind goes blank in the tough times. That's OK too.

It's a whole lot of muck to dig through. It's confusing, jumbled and unexplainable. You'll figure out stuff and move a little forward.

Hanging out here for you, here's some hugs back. Take a moment and feel them as you can, :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[seedling]

but my fault not theirs.

You sound flooded by shame. Sorry about that. There's no fault to find if you can't talk to strangers, it's something that doesn't work for you in this situation.

Your avatar says you are a VIP :), Very Important Person :) (or: VIC, Very Important Chicken, lol)

If you could find a way to turn your kindness for others towards yourself. Shine some of your wonderful light inwards, in to some small place inside, no matter how small. You deserve it. Anger and fear put up walls, love brings them down.

Hang in there, it seems you have challenged a lot of things by starting your diary and daring to be more open. Maybe that's what has brought this up for you? :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @seedling , :hug: (& @Ninja :hug: ) yes " :chicken: " it is. (Or :alien: !) I actually tried to remove the VIP when I saw it but I guess it's automatic. Maybe I'll think of it as "Very Irrational Pipsqueak"? :):rolleyes:

I did not know it's not my fault to not be able to tell strangers. Didn't think the other was a cognitive distortion either. I suppose it's a combination of things, not the least of which is feeling like a child. Not to infer I think of planning, or requirements or realities or working or relationships & responsibilities like a child, but I feel I have a child's resources. I guess too I am practical [I remember of all crazy things during overland flooding -the second time- carrying the clothes dryer from the basement to the 2nd floor, wrapping the washer (too heavy to lift) in drywall plastic & duct tape. It would never have occurred to me to ask a neighbour for help. Or when my mom was dying & needed fluids mouth-pipetting through a straw (Biochem finally came in useful for something. :rolleyes: ) Stupid sh*t like that, pro-active atempts responses to problems.] Suicide I guess just seems a practical & active solution for myself & others, sometimes I'm not sure who'd benefit the most. Or so it feels.

However, though I don't think feelings change, I do think it's up to me to change them. I find it quite difficult to change my beliefs or perspective (even recognizing it or applying CBT or DBT principles). Not sure if the 'feelings' are responsible for the failure, or a consequence of it, or constricted thinking.

Funny however, I was at work yesterday & during a particularly busy (racing) time I had a 'feeling' to pick up a book on a table in a public area & turn to the beginning -have no idea what the book was called because I didn't take time to look (thought "I can't believe I'm doing this now, when I have no time", although I would never have remembered to go back & look if I hadn't, that much I knew), & it said: "Lord, do not let the memories of the past prevent me from having confidence in the future." (I'm recopying it as I wrote it down or I would not have remembered it. It's not a religious place where I work, btw.) I suppose that's ptsd/ life/ triggers.

((((((((Hugs)))))) for you. :hug:

 

[seedling]

I feel I have a child's resources

I understand that feeling. I have a hard time reminding myself that I have adult resources now and can overcome challenges, I feel so helpless sometimes and problems seem to big to solve.

I find it quite difficult to change my beliefs or perspective

Me too. I think this is where PTSD is particularly challenging. I understood the method in CBT and it helped to make me aware of my thinking and distortions, but it didn't touch really changing some of this for me. I found that doing acupuncture, EFT and now EMDR shifts my behavior by relieving my body of the physical/emotional reaction response to triggers. There's something physically held that the rational thinking stuff couldn't take care of for me.

I had a 'feeling'

Congrats on listening to your 'feeling.' That's an important part of yourself. I practice noticing the times I do this and try not to ignore this side of me. It's good to appreciate all the wonderful resources you have to be yourself and to help yourself. This 'feeling' (IMHO) is part of your inner light and true being. The more you can recognize it, let it have some time in the 'real world', the better.

Thanks for the hugs. A hard day at work.

 

[Tinyflame]

I understand that feeling. I have a hard time reminding myself that I have adult resources now and can overcome challenges, I feel so helpless sometimes and problems seem to big to solve.

OMG someone else feels like that also. :wideeyed: Thank you Dear seedling. :hug: :hug:

.. shifts my behavior by relieving my body of the physical/emotional reaction response to triggers. There's something physically held that the rational thinking stuff couldn't take care of for me.

This is very different, something I've never incorporated or tried. I'm more naturally intuitive but get about a 2/10 (on a good day!) for noticing my body. I crash & burn pretty easily when I feel I've expected too much or tried again & failed. Despite trying to be 'brave' (unsuccessfully, obviously) about it.

Dear @seedling, thank you especially after your rough day at work. :notworthy: I do very much appreciate it. :hug: I suppose feeling shame for knowing I can over-react (or at least say get to the end of the line= SI, even if it's not a rash or quick decision) probably follows oddly enough minimizing most stuff that precedes it.

Thank you about the light. A lady at work said to me 'you are light' tonight, I said 'probably radioactive.. I DO walk under a lot of power lines!' :p (But I did say 'thank you' first. ;) )

Wow, difficult battle this stuff is. :( :blackeye::bawling: :sorry:

Sweet dreams to you, Dear @seedling . :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[seedling]

Thanks! It's nice to come on here and talk after work has been hard. Nice to connect to people who get it.

Is it a difficult battle. Hang in there dear!

 

[Tinyflame]

Same to you Dear @seedling . :inlove: :hug:

 

[CRPS]

I appreciate everyone posting and it's so nice not to feel so alone although I do most of the time. Although I wish none of us had to experience traumas, it's comforting knowing that I'm not alone. The posts are now giving me strength to try again to live another day.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm glad for that part for you @CRPS .:hug:

I felt that originally when I found this place & the things I experienced or felt or thought were experienced by so many others too. I've gone from that though now to being overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of how so many experience this.