Relationship Cptsd relationship end

[Littleness]

I recently ended a relationship after more than a year with my bf who had cptsd. I’m a single mom of two kids. He was the first man I’d introduced my kids to, which is a really big deal.

He didn’t tell me about his trauma until several month into our relationship and also his a lot of personal information including a past marriage, claiming it “never came up.” I’ve been divorced for 3+ years, I talk about it openly, to say these topics never came up is compete shit.

He had several triggered fugue states during our relationship, some just meltdowns, but during all of them I bore the brunt of it. He lashed out at me, demoralized me, said awful things I’d never imagined from this otherwise loving and caring, almost doe-like being. After he regulated, he became needy, sought my comfort, never apologized or had any self-awareness or desire to change his behaviors. I was blamed, it was a “us/we” problem, and there was zero accountability. I knew he was gaslighting me, but actually questioned it since he was so loving. I felt nuts most the time and was always exhausted and drained emotionally.

How can someone be cruel and then seek my comfort? That’s backward.

The pattern began to occur at a rapid rate of every 10 days and I went no contact. There are aspects that still feel raw, but reading so many posts here have felt validating and encouraging. Thank you all for sharing and never judging. I appreciate each and every one of you.

 

[HorribleCoffee]

Welcome to the forum!

He had several triggered fugue states during our relationship, some just meltdowns, but during all of them I bore the brunt of it. He lashed out at me, demoralized me, said awful things I’d never imagined from this otherwise loving and caring, almost doe-like being. After he regulated, he became needy, sought my comfort, never apologized or had any self-awareness or desire to change his behaviors. I was blamed, it was a “us/we” problem, and there was zero accountability.

I have similar experience as you dating a man with CPTSD. When he was feeling okay? Everything was great. Then every few months, without much warning, he would send me a wall of text pointing out how he felt we were not working out because of me. It was always my fault, and he was always the one to threaten to break up with me. This can literally be two days after a nice date (which I planned out).

I understand your experience of being lashed out at, and feeling demoralized. I felt I was never good enough for him because he was always mentioning my faults in these exchanges, even "faults" that apparently no one else I've been in a relationship with has ever brought up, "faults" that friends would laugh at because they know me as being the total opposite.

And then we would get back again quickly after these exchanged. He wouldn't say sorry but would start showering me with attention and sweet words, and he'd immediately get physically intimate again. Two months later? Same cycle, rinse and repeat. When they have zero accountability, when they blames you for literally everything, it's not going to be a healthy relationship. I've literally told him before "I never know if this meetup will be the last time I see you."

I knew he was gaslighting me, but actually questioned it since he was so loving. I felt nuts most the time and was always exhausted and drained emotionally.
How can someone be cruel and then seek my comfort? That’s backward.

The gaslighting is real, and when you start questioning yourself and your worth? It's time to call it quits. It's hard. I've been there. I didn't let go, and I suffered more and through increasingly dramatic breakups and reunions. My T described it as a rollercoaster with constant ups and downs, with more downs than ups.

I posted about my experience before, and if yours is anything similar to mine, many replies were of the "This is not CPTSD, this is an asshole" kind. CPTSD is not a get out of jail card to be emotionally abusive, to gaslight someone else. It's still going to be raw for a while, but you have dodged a bullet.

 

[Friday]

I recently ended a relationship after more than a year with my bf

Sounds like the smartest thing you could have done.

 

[Littleness]

Welcome to the forum!


I have similar experience as you dating a man with CPTSD. When he was feeling okay? Everything was great. Then every few months, without much warning, he would send me a wall of text pointing out how he felt we were not working out because of me. It was always my fault, and he was always the one to threaten to break up with me. This can literally be two days after a nice date (which I planned out).

I understand your experience of being lashed out at, and feeling demoralized. I felt I was never good enough for him because he was always mentioning my faults in these exchanges, even "faults" that apparently no one else I've been in a relationship with has ever brought up, "faults" that friends would laugh at because they know me as being the total opposite.

And then we would get back again quickly after these exchanged. He wouldn't say sorry but would start showering me with attention and sweet words, and he'd immediately get physically intimate again. Two months later? Same cycle, rinse and repeat. When they have zero accountability, when they blames you for literally everything, it's not going to be a healthy relationship. I've literally told him before "I never know if this meetup will be the last time I see you."

The gaslighting is real, and when you start questioning yourself and your worth? It's time to call it quits. It's hard. I've been there. I didn't let go, and I suffered more and through increasingly dramatic breakups and reunions. My T described it as a rollercoaster with constant ups and downs, with more downs than ups.

I posted about my experience before, and if yours is anything similar to mine, many replies were of the "This is not CPTSD, this is an asshole" kind. CPTSD is not a get out of jail card to be emotionally abusive, to gaslight someone else. It's still going to be raw for a while, but you have dodged a bullet.

Thank you. It is still raw but just this weekend he showed up unannounced and left flowers on my doorstep. Go ahead and leave them, I threw them out. You can’t emotionally abuse me and then send flowers! This is toxic.
I’ve wondered if he has BPD or DID, but that’s for me to help assuage my guilt of letting this person into my life, it doesn’t actually matter now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

This is toxic.

That is so hard for a lot of supporters to accept. Good for you. Not only good for you, good for your kids too. You’re doing the right thing.

 

[Littleness]

Thank you. I tried for a long time but it became so prevalent and worsened I needed to protect myself and my kids.

 

[maybeiamabear]

I don't know, I feel awful because I am a man with CPTSD. And while I have never been in a relationship, women I have gotten close to emotionally have shared feedback that I become very needy and pressurising. I feel so aghast, I never thought while being in so much pain myself, I was causing this immense pain to people I thought I loved. I am unlearning now and learning to be better.

 

[Ecdysis]

I don't know, I feel awful because I am a man with CPTSD. And while I have never been in a relationship, women I have gotten close to emotionally have shared feedback that I become very needy and pressurising. I feel so aghast, I never thought while being in so much pain myself, I was causing this immense pain to people I thought I loved. I am unlearning now and learning to be better.

Yeah.
I have C-PTSD myself (female) and have been in 3 relationships with guys who had C-PTSD (2 untreated and undiagnosed and 1 treated and diagnosed).
Two of those relationships were fine, but one was AWFUL. This was with a guy who had C-PTSD that was raging out of control, but he was refusing diagnosis or treatment.
He caused a huge amount of harm to me.
Apart from a lot of other things... one thing that experience has taught me is how much of a burden people with PTSD or C-PTSD can be on their partners.
So much so, that these days I wonder why anyone gets into a relationship with people with PTSD or C-PTSD... unless they're co-dependent helper types...
I know that's overstating it tho... Because all human beings have their issues and we happen to fall in love with who we fall in love with...
But yeah, it's become a big red warning flag for me, when people are getting into relationships with people with (C)-PTSD.
And I wonder what that means for any future relationships I may have.
I think it's a valuable insight tho, to realise just how much of a burden we can be on others, especially if we're not getting adequate treatment and not placing that burden on our therapists and instead expecting our partners to bear it.

 

[HorribleCoffee]

I don't know, I feel awful because I am a man with CPTSD. And while I have never been in a relationship, women I have gotten close to emotionally have shared feedback that I become very needy and pressurising. I feel so aghast, I never thought while being in so much pain myself, I was causing this immense pain to people I thought I loved. I am unlearning now and learning to be better.

From the perspective of a supporter, I don't find CPTSD people necessarily "needy". It is tough, yes, but I definitely won't call it needy.

Yeah.
I have C-PTSD myself (female) and have been in 3 relationships with guys who had C-PTSD (2 untreated and undiagnosed and 1 treated and diagnosed).
Two of those relationships were fine, but one was AWFUL. This was with a guy who had C-PTSD that was raging out of control, but he was refusing diagnosis or treatment.
He caused a huge amount of harm to me.
Apart from a lot of other things... one thing that experience has taught me is how much of a burden people with PTSD or C-PTSD can be on their partners.
So much so, that these days I wonder why anyone gets into a relationship with people with PTSD or C-PTSD... unless they're co-dependent helper types...
I know that's overstating it tho... Because all human beings have their issues and we happen to fall in love with who we fall in love with...
But yeah, it's become a big red warning flag for me, when people are getting into relationships with people with (C)-PTSD.
And I wonder what that means for any future relationships I may have.
I think it's a valuable insight tho, to realise just how much of a burden we can be on others, especially if we're not getting adequate treatment and not placing that burden on our therapists and instead expecting our partners to bear it.

The last sentence makes so much sense. My sufferer would totally lose it when I don't say the exact things that he expects to hear (e.g. me saying "I could..." rather than "I want to..." was enough for him to say he wasn't worth any effort to me). When I recounted this to my own T, they commented that he was treating me like his therapist and wanted me to talk to him in some perfect therapy talk style rather than like a partner.

 

[Littleness]

I 100% relate to this. Each word was dissected and examined and I consider myself a good communicator. Even studied journalism and have a command of languages so I always felt crazy. I’d say, “our relationship has been great…” and he’d say, “has been, meaning past tense?” No. That’s how you phrase the verbiage of what I’m saying. And on and on. I felt like I was literally losing a lost battle.

 

[HorribleCoffee]

I 100% relate to this. Each word was dissected and examined and I consider myself a good communicator. Even studied journalism and have a command of languages so I always felt crazy. I’d say, “our relationship has been great…” and he’d say, “has been, meaning past tense?” No. That’s how you phrase the verbiage of what I’m saying. And on and on. I felt like I was literally losing a lost battle.

EXACTLY this. It is almost as though our sufferers were the same person

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

From the perspective of a supporter, I don't find CPTSD people necessarily "needy". It is tough, yes, but I definitely won't call it needy.

Agree. SAME . TOUGH GIG but they are not needy - mine was not - although he constantly and obsessively labelled himself a Co-dependent purely because his T told him so ( strange ) and he had the hashtag stuck on him like glue, stuck in his head- although I gave many positive reinforcements and genuine assurance. He has been to T's for three years.Feel sorry for those sufferers who keep calling themselves a co-dependent over and over , when they are actually not. Words have power.

He had several triggered fugue states during our relationship, some just meltdowns, but during all of them I bore the brunt of it. He lashed out at me, demoralized me, said awful things I’d never imagined from this otherwise loving and caring, almost doe-like being.

Mostly mine was zoned out - and even once in trance state after a therapy session, super caring - yes doe-like being , courageous and brave and considerate and then the phantom -like, disappearing act.
Grew extremely close - then the totally unwarranted disappearing acts.