Criticism - is it them or you?

[J'qel]

I'm generally okay with criticism, but I also went to university and art college and do all sorts of creative things for outlets, so I picked it up as I went.

When I'm feeling vulnerable, or letting my guard down because of one reason or another-I don't take it well. I get very angry, mostly because I exposed my vulnerability and felt like that someone diddn't respect that. I don't usually make myself vulnerable with my creative or academic endeavors, but I feel like it must be essential to good therapy to be more vulnerable towards your therapist.

If I hold myself at a distance from a therapist I feel like I'm not being genuine, or that I'm hiding from them. Most of the time though, I can step backwards, into a sort of self promoted dissociation so I can hear what's really being said, but that doesn't mean I won't be upset about it later.I can just stop from being upset in the moment, and for the rest of the session.

My poor husband gets to listen to my rants in the car later.

 

[Lionheart]

When my mother has criticized me it hurts because I value her opinion and yet I know she is wrong and so, I change my thoughts to more accurate estimations of myself and thus avoid the pain of her critique.

The problem with CBT for me is that when an automatic thought comes to mind, it travels at 1 / 300th of a second, and one must make a conscious concerted effort to change the automatic thought right away!

Still CBT and reframing automatic thoughts is the answer for me.

It has assisted me to avoid the pain of criticism in the long term, but for the short term is not effective until the thought is adjusted.

Criticism from a valued family member or friend can be painful, but once the thought is changed to a more accurate estimation of the truth, the pain ceases and one can carry on with head held high or at least take the criticism into serious consideration and make changes if one chooses to.

This beats the hell outta simply reacting to another persons perception of me. I get to chose my own thoughts about it and thus remain in control.

When my self-esteem is low, I am vulnerable to criticism, but when my esteem is high....not so much!

this is just my two cents, please take it for what it is.

Lionheart

 

[user27357]

have you ever found yourself on the wrong side of the tracks as it were, like everyone around you has a different point of view and value set than anything you have ever been exposed too? Criticism from all sides, wrong or right, is a powerful thing.

I can't imagine anything even close to being a black person in a white racist community, but I know what it is like to have a different hairstyle from anyone you work with or for and to suffer the criticism that spreads outward from the one true criticism- you are an adult male and you wear your hair long, you are different than the rest, you are stupid, you are a flaming liberal hippy, you would have sex with my daughter if you could, etc.

Long hair is a choice, being black or overweight or a woman or disabled is not. I cannot truly imagine the difficulty of fighting to keep the criticisms and stereotyping (a form of criticism for sure) from getting in.

A psych professor I suffered through a term with put out the idea that " if enough people call you a jack ass, get a saddle". I say BS. By that logic, if enough bigots stereotype you, just accept that they are right and that you are a bad person because you are black, overweight, a woman, disabled, have long hair or wear purple sweats and Birkenstocks.

By the way, I like my long hair because it both attracts people that think similarly and repels those that don't, except for the ones that I am pre judging based on a brief perception of their demeanor and misinterpreting indifference for disdain and unspoken criticism and deep personal hatred or their courtesy for friendliness and a strong desire to know me because I am so cool. Hoo boy.

 

[Changing4Best]

I don't even have to be criticised to feel at fault for something. When relationships fall apart or seem to, I immediately think it is something I said or didn't say but should have, or that it is something I should have said but didn't. Or maybe something I should have done but didn't. I wrack my brains, trying to figure out what I did wrong, only to have the person come to me and say that they have been so busy, but they miss me so, and then they hug me. That last happened just yesterday. Whereas, for 3 months now, I have been trying to figure out what I did that was wrong! I have done these kinds of things to myself a number of times. A friend once even told me that I take things way too personally. You would think that I could learn from having been told that, but, a las, it just does not seem to sink in.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Without reading everyone's juicy posts, I'm just going by the question. Criticism, depending what it is, is, to me, always negative. I've lived a life of nothing but criticism (negative) and I call critical people quite a colorful name. Criticism, to me, has an underlying negativity no matter what anyone says. Criticism isn't about you, it's about them and their own screwed up world.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Here's one from family,

You may need to do what I did and shave out the toxic family members from your life. I had a very hard time with it and there were a MULTIUDE of people that had to go and it was extremely painful but with my therapist's help I successfully did so and now years later when that shit drama comes back in my life im like "whoa, WTF?" I have no idea how I dealt with that for so long or why.

 

[J'qel]

I've had negative criticism from people, and honestly, you can easily tell the difference between constructive and negative criticism pretty quick. Constructive criticism has suggestions, negative criticism is just someone telling you you're not good enough.

There's a world of difference between "Have you thought about shorter showers and bigger laundry loads to free up more time?" and "Well if you didn't waste so much time, you might have the time to relax instead of having to procrastinate all the time."

 

[Changing4Best]

Yes, I started a thread on this subject this week, not realizing you had this one here. There was a lot of negativity in my early childhood, so yes, this stuff gets stirred up every time I get criticized. True. However, none of my CBT therapists have addressed my EARLY CHILDHOOD! I do not know why. I heard CBT addressed what is going on in your life these days, but I don't know if that is true or not, in fact I don't even remember who it is that told me this.

I feel like I need to go back and work on early childhood. I guess I better say so to my T and see what response I get. Thanks for this thread, @anthony

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@anthony I ordered the book today because I have a situation in my life where I think maybe I read something into some remarks which did not have ill intent. I stumbled over this one today and reread through this topic again.

Usually I can take criticism if it is brought to me in a thought provoking way. thanks again for this discussion.