Criticism - is it them or you?

[Philippa]

I guess for me, it all depends on where I am at, emotionally, at any given moment, as to how I receive and handle criticism.

I used to be terrible at accepting criticism, but I also grew up in a household where my father was very critical, or making 'jokes' that were designed to humiliate me or make me look bad in front of his friends or my brothers so that is probably why I was so sensitive to criticism. I didn't learn until I was in my late teens, through personal insight into people, that people who criticise others usually have a very highly developed inner critic, and they project that onto other people...so taking it personally is not the best reaction because it's usually not about me at all.

REMEMBERING that can be a real challenge at times, and I do sometimes fall back into taking things personally or reacting badly to what I perceive to be criticism, and have trouble discerning if the persons motives are centred around a loving desire to help me improve or a way of externalizing their own poor self image?

I have worked very hard over the past 20 something years to overcome any people pleasing tendencies and co dependency and I think I've made real progress at times, and at other times I feel like I've gone backwards or collapsed into myself and reverted to old outworn habits that are dysfunctional, but at least I'm usually self aware when that happens.

If I am feeling particularly vulnerable or sensitive at a certain time when someone delivers a criticism...and if it is done on-line in particular I have trouble telling whether they are telling me this to help me or being mean, so I revert to a self-defensive reaction, and later beat myself up for not handling it better and not reacting, but taking my time to step back and analyze it.

I've also surprised myself at times when I am being very clearly abused by someone and they are being totally irrational, unreasonable and downright abusive, that I am able to very quickly take a step back and recognise that it's definitely THEM! Later on I might reflect and look at whether anything they said was actually true or not, and take what I think is onboard and leave the rest...but again, it depends on how strong I am feeling on the day.

 

[Philippa]

I do agree with you about our reactions often are telling, as with feeling upset at being delivered a criticism by someone close to me especially.

If what the person tells me is true and I know it, I will react and feel upset and throw a bit of a tantrum or get defensive. I know they are confronting me with something truthful and that it needs to be said, BUT if I perceive it to be something that is said to me as a way of manipulating the conversation to avoid looking at something I've said that was a criticism towards them, then I will pretty much lose it, and as with the scenario I went into detail with in a thread this week about an ex friend, it can become more about the manipulation I am seeing rather than what they are actually saying to me, true or not.

I am self honest enough though to look back on the conflict and admit to myself that I just didn't like being told what I knew was the truth...and my ego didn't like having it's flaws pointed out, even if there was more to the story and I was actually intending to rectify the situation but external factors out of my control prevented me from doing so.

But yes, definitely true that if it isn't true then why be upset. We make ourselves upset, hurt, sad etc and we create all of it, even if we don't want to admit it. Learning to sit with my feelings and recognise when I am reacting...not always easy. I used to be quite good at it when I was in my zen phase. :D

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Nam can you give examples? Everything but one I can think of is performance based or the opinion of others.

 

[scout86]

Good topic! And this idea applies to everyone, not just people with PTSD, right?

I know I tend to be sensitive to criticism. My first reaction is to "hear" some version of "You're a worthless waste of skin." But, I've LEARNED that, while that might have been my mother's message, it isn't necessarily everyone's message, so look closer and think about it. (Some days I do a better job of this than others!)

I also try to keep in mind, when I criticize or disagree with someone else, that they are viewing the world through their own version of this filter and that that will impact their reaction. They are going to take things as they will, but I can make an effort to be diplomatic too.

And then there are the people who are beyond being criticized, because, in their version of reality, THEY are NEVER wrong. Also a cognitive distortion, I guess. I'm not sure there's a way to make that point to a person with that mind set, is there?,

 

[NarcSis]

I think, if I can do it so can other people.

Yes, the way I react to criticism is deeply self motivated and definitely something I can practice to change, however criticism is usually a judgement placed on you by another cognitively distorted mind.
I can't change the world, I can merely try to change how I react to the world, it's a survival skill.

That being said, I also admit that by being human, I am at times going to fall prey to my cognitive distortions,if this weren't true, there would be no distortion to correct and this world would operate in complete harmony (how boring and unchallenging).

By reacting to criticism we are being the creatures we were designed to be, free thinking with free will. It's knowing when the reaction is disproportionate to the situation that we have to be cognizant of because it throws our "being" out of balance (thus resulting in prolonged negativity).

Wow, cotton-mouth! What I'm trying to say is that I agree, I think that if I have cognitive distortions that cause me to feel bad about me, the person criticizing me suffers the same affliction (it's human nature). I posess skills to help me, but I can't change them.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

You're confusing criticism with traumatic abuse.

Where does one begin and the other end?

In my experiences, it's a sliding scale, a spectrum where although some people are clearly abusive and some only criticize constructively, for most it's a mixture genuine criticism tied up with personal feelings and competitiveness/enforcing a sociological hierarchy. What I also see is people saying that it's "just constructive criticism" as an excuse to get away with saying unpleasant and hurtful things. Overall I would agree that in terms of purely constructive criticism isn't a necessarily hurtful thing but mostly it isn't purely constructive.

Like others here my views are skewed, I've had a number of people throughout my childhood and since use criticism as a way of humiliating me, of keeping me in my place, of putting me down and devaluing who I am as a person. It is also majoritively indicative (in my personal experiences) of further abuse whether I respond or don't. I am sensitive to the criticism of others more than of myself, because I have virtually no self-worth - so I would say that yes there is a link between low self-esteem and reacting negatively to criticism. Having said this, I've seen self-fulfilled narcissists unable to take any negative criticism or feedback on board whatsoever.

As for the question of is it them or is it you - I think both parties are partially responsible. No one ever knows where another person is coming from or what they've experienced and whilst you shouldn't always have to pander to this, if you do upset someone with what you say or the way you say it, I think it's human decency to treat the other person with respectful kindness. Equally where people are upset easily, they should be able to understand that people might not have meant what they said as a personal slight or they might not know that you were sensitive to this. Forgiveness, both ways basically.

 

[scout86]

Where does one begin and the other end?

@anthony , I have a feeling that you can provide a good answer to that question. Would you, please?

Pretty much everything in life is on a sliding scale, I think. Which is why "black and white thinking" can be a problem. If you come in to the situation with a healthy sense of self worth, I imagine that it's easier to sort this out. It's also probably easier to respond appropriately to "abuse". If you don't have that healthy sense of self worth, I really believe you can learn it, and maybe this is part of the process.

 

[risingsun]

Another person cannot be responsible for making you feel upset or otherwise. No matter how vicious, heartless or cruel comments may be, they have no power to disturb you or create you discomfort.

This is a tough one, tougher than most people think. On the one hand, we are all responsible for how we react and whether or not we keep our emotional well being in tact. We do all have the power to internally empower ourselves.

However, on the other hand, we are all responsible on this earth for each other and whether or not we bring peace or disturbance to our world. There are many people out there who respond "well, its not my fault they are upset" because they are aware of the psychology and/or sayings that people have quoted here as well. But it lets them off the hook for Not walking the path of goodness.

I have heard that life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 % of how you react. I'm not so sure about these percentages. I have to say, when I was bullied at my job for 10 years, I went through a "I won't react stage. I won't get upset stage." The bullying never stopped no matter what I did.

I couldn't even get them with kindness. I was a target. Period. Rumors would never stop. The colleagues who yelled at me would never stop. Coming home in tears everyday was terrible. I began to have work anxiety severely. Every time something happened, I would shake it off, but then something else would happen and it was all too much. I just was pushed too far. After a while, their criticism felt more and more like a sword in my heart.

Of course I agree with you that it is all in how we react and that we control our own emotions, but we are all responsible for each other on this planet. The more that message of kindness spreads, the less people would have to sit on the therapist's couch in tears or read books on how to deal.

In essence, we are all connected (by energy) are we not? Nothing really separates us. So we are all responsible for whether this is a loving planet and for the emotional well-being of its inhabitants.

Very thought provoking thread. Rising Sun

 

[Lucycat]

I have a Toxic Inner Critic (TIC) . If I receive criticism them my TIC magnifies it and blows it out of all proportion. Yes, I do understand that this is MY TIC, but it is a learned behaviour as a consequence of all the put downs in childhood. For me this is the connection between the abuse/trauma and the resultant inability to cope with criticism. It was instilled in me for years and is taking an equal or greater number of years to 'undo'. However simply stopping in my tracks and asking myself if this is 'real' or my TIC has helped.

 

[TLight]

My answer -- What other people say has no impact on what you feel. Another person cannot be responsible for making you feel upset or otherwise. No matter how vicious, heartless or cruel comments may be, they have no power to disturb you or create you discomfort.

I guess I misunderstood the difference between criticism and abuse.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I love and embrace CBT . I worked hard in it and have much to still learn.

However in acknowledgement of @TLight -constant criticism has been connected to emotional & verbal abuse. As abuse can be insidious it is important to be able to wrestle with the concept & differentiate on a personal level within boundaries of a healthy constructive direction. Not all people are safe people for one's mind set. Not all criticisms were meant to impale.

Just one of the many references on constant criticism or verbal beatings:
"... report suggests that, when verbal abuse is constant and severe, it creates a risk of post-traumatic stress disorder, the same type of psychological collapse experienced by combat troops in Iraq."
http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2007/04/verbal-beatings-hurt-as-much-as-sexual-abuse/

Constructive criticism or giving feedback can be an emotional response for both parties. Solid respect can be offered through leadership or advice that is built on tact and humility within one's honesty. Honesty does not have to be cruel to have it expressed.

Tolerance is a key to not taking undue offense at someone's offer of criticism and observation of how that offer may feel inside is valuable information to self exploration. However as most feeling are derived from our own experiences, there is a separation needed at times as feelings are not facts.

So although I am ultimately responsible for how criticism influences me or where I let my feelings take me or the revelation of viewing something in someone else that I may or may not even like within myself... it is my goal to have less knee jerk reactions and more proactive responses. One day at a time.

 

[anthony]

Where does one begin and the other end?

Criticism is not always constructive, it is simply criticism. You're focusing on the person though, which is exactly what my original post eluded is the issue. Nobody can make you feel anything, except you. You are the one in control of what you feel, how you feel and when you feel, because all feelings are based on what you think at any given time. Nobody controls your brain except you.

Criticism is defined as: the analysis and judgement of the merits and faults OR the expression of disapproval of someone or something on the basis of perceived faults or mistakes.

Criticism is normally on the judgement side of things, more often than not. Or you could say the negative side of things. Criticism is not abuse, abusive or anything close to abuse. There is a difference in saying, "Sorry Kathy, that was really poor work you submitted. It looks as though you did this at the last minute." Versus: "Why did you bother turning up with this piece of shit. You're an embarrassment to this school and your peers."

The first is criticism of the work submitted, the second attacks her personal character, which is abusive by definition.