Criticism - is it them or you?

[anthony]

However, on the other hand, we are all responsible on this earth for each other and whether or not we bring peace or disturbance to our world.

Argh... now you're talking about social codes, acceptable social standards and other such values we define to live in a world of rules. :tup: I am holding out on that one for another discussion, as it relates directly into anger, and I have another thread I'm going to start on exactly that in the coming days... which I think will rock a few values and certainly give food for thought to many. Nice reply though @risingsun, and this is exactly what I was talking about in relation to around 10% of people can take something, look broadly at all the different angles, and give other facets of thought in direct correlation.

 

[Chava]

I'm really sensitive to rejection, but I value criticism. I understand them as totally different (where I think maybe some people don't and then it gets yucky, and I've been there before too...or somehow criticism attached to my own feelings of shaming and self-hatred, all compounded like that).

Anyway, I appreciate criticism, especially when done thoughtfully or given from someone I respect and in a way that invites something like "let's brainstorm this" (problem, challenge, whatever it is). If anything I'm just working on boundaries....I've been sick a lot, am behind in some ways, and have had one colleague feel more bothered by some little aspects of my work...more bothered than I am. I typically appreciate her feedback or criticism. But after making the same criticism a few times, because I wasn't able to change fast enough for her, I just sort of shut that down by saying, "I know...I'm trying" and moved along to something else. Haven't heard any more on that. In that case it was maybe her own perfectionism...even if a critique that could be helpful, there wasn't any acknowledgement of small improvement or efforts. So just settle down please! Anyway, CBT wasn't too helpful but probably I got some stuff from my zen years. But more than thinking I'm stuck with emotional regulation and body symptoms (sympathetic hyper-arousal junk), which I think we are simply beginning to research. Then again, when I was most self-destructive, some criticism probably easily fed into my "I'm a failure" stuff. I think I've gotten beyond all that (maybe that was CBT...I don't know), now have to shift stuff on the body-trauma level and I wish my thoughts mattered more, because they are usually pretty affirming or at least patient (and even when melting down I seem to have some bit of awareness that I am in fact melting down, and that colors everything). But keeps me going I suppose, not wrecking relationships.

The criticism from valued relationships helps me grow. Sometimes I have to step back a bit to ingest it, but if I'm not sure I agree it usually helps to try to view the situation from the other person's perspective, and then forge some kind of middle ground response if needed.

 

[illusionist]

I am extremely uneducated in terms of different therapies. . Often I fail to find the words to express how I feel in writing....in all a very basic person in that respect. I wish to explain , as best I can how I came across this way of thinking. I was not taught by a therapist nor had I read about it. All I know, is that by changing how I thought and processed things, I eradicated my symptoms....almost. Yes, I have been in the black pit again for the past couple of weeks but only because I 'forgot' to think logically. I allowed my past memories and emotions to flood me.....I didn't stop to think it out... So each emotion fed the other and just kept escalating.....oh what a mess!!. Now, by thinking about how I'm looking at things, rather than how I'm feeling, I am back to finding my answer and because I have the answer and working on it, all the other emotions which came flooding in, are lessened. I can now deal with the initial trigger.

So, back to why I'm posting this........like many of you I was brought up with criticism. I won't bore you with my details, but it was plentiful and constant throughout childhood. I went to councelling as an adult due to flashbacks etc etc and spent the next two years talking on a w weekly basis about all the long term abuses. This got a lot of things out but it still affected me. I then realised that I was in self pity mode....oh I can't do this or that because of such and such to do with the past. I thought its good to cry to let the inner child out, pity her understand her..but I can't go on like this forever! So I started to think on how I was perceiving and processing my thoughts, basically thinking about the 'mechanical' process rather than the emotional process. Before the emotional reaction reached my brain, I would kick in with logic...the reality of the situation. Somehow, with a lot of awareness I could see and feel the changes happening. It takes work and a 'can do ' attitude. That was twenty years ago and have found that I fall into the old ways, on average, twice yearly, for a week or so. I let my self pity side of me out to play, then kick her out again with using my brain again. Obviously there are more things I do which anyone should do to keep themselves physically and mentally healthy, but this is the one that's helped me immensely.

Sorry for the long post and thank you Anthony for reminding me of the importance of this.

 

[Nighthawk]

I think in order to at least handle criticisim one needs to at least know what is truth. If one is to use the lens that is distorted Criticisim = Truth. I am still defining my truth. Therfore I still get derailed from criticisim. Sometimes much worse than others.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Nighthawk :hug: Courageous share of your truth in the moment.

 

[Deleted member 487]

Criticism is ok. Destructive criticism is not, now is caustic criticism (actually it's a sub-group of destructive criticism).

 

[Tanishq]

I have dealt this issue so many times from childhood. It has hurt me very much. Over the years I have learned to stay silent. Sometimes critics speak in a way that provokes you to do something you don't need to. Just to prove their own point how right they are and that never sounds helpful.

Lately I have chosen to let go off criticism, I have lot of people around me who get critical towards me. Now I let them be, it has helped me to avoid unnecessary fight and get into unnecessary argument for hours. I am glad I follow my guts on this issue.

I must say this is one of toughest thing to handle. It takes practice. You can get past criticism.

Sometimes I think being critical is completely unnecessary thing to do. It has destroyed many things. I have faced such moments and all of them were unnecessary because it didn't motivate me nor helped me in any way.

 

[Tanishq]

Criticism is ok.

You can go this way, if you have proper and well constructed understanding between each other. Understanding between each other helps to understand why our loved one got critical, they will understand the reasoning and timing behind it. Never dare to go this way if you don't have understanding between each other, it will kill the whole relationship or who knows what way it may take. Just felt like to add more as I saw this.

 

[Lucycat]

I think my concern is that at a developmental level you can be groomed to accept criticism as the truth even when it is not. So when you are repeatedly told that you are wrong ( be it in your speech, dress, behaviour, eating etc) then you learn to accept that as fact even when it is not. You do not learn the ability to discern valid criticism. I don't think then that you are in control of your own thoughts about the feelings arising from the criticism it is classical conditioning to feel that way - ie negatively.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

at a developmental level you can be groomed to accept criticism as the truth even when it is not. So when you are repeatedly told that you are wrong ( be it in your speech, dress, behaviour, eating etc) then you learn to accept that as fact even when it is not. You do not learn the ability to discern valid criticism. I don't think then that you are in control of your own thoughts about the feelings arising from the criticism

I want to like this post more than once. I love this post. Thank you for saying all of this.

This is exactly what happened to me over a period of years and by different people for most of my life. It's something one of my parents has done for many years and still does now. I feel very hypervigilant saying that.

It's very confusing. It makes me second guess doubt and question a lot of things I think feel and my responses and reactions to things.

When I talk about feeling angry or anxious my one parent will very literally tell me "no" and that I'm "being ridiculous" or exaggerating and overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing. As a result I don't talk about my feelings to my one parent.

All of this and the traumas I've gone through kind of play into each other and now I often feel like what I feel isn't right is wrong and I'm wrong for feeling it. Decades of being told that end up validating all the wrong messages and I end up feeling wrong for having different thoughts or different feelings than some others. Thank you again for posting that. It makes me feel valid and like my feelings are valid too.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

If people can't make you feel a specific way, they can sure as hell try hard to provoke a certain reaction/emotional pattern. Or are you saying only people who are being abusive can make you feel something? Or not even then? If someone cuts me with a knife I feel pain. Whilst I acknowledge that feelings are internal and therefore technically the only one able to access them is me. If someone is determined to make you feel upset/hurt/worthless, it is entirely possible for them to succeed - ok I might be able to remain neutral and unaffected, but there is only so much I can take before things start upsetting me. I am afterall human.

So then surely then there are inbetweens - where people are being slightly abusive and reasonably critical of you at the same time? Where is the line where it's ok to be upset by someone's actions and they should have to take responsibility for them? How many people honestly ONLY talk in a neutral form of criticism with no personal feelings conveyed whatsoever? I've never met anyone who has spoken in such a literal and transparent manner.

Even neutral criticism after neutral criticism eventually takes it's toll and starts to feel like an attack. So emotions are experienced. Everyone has flaws, bringing attention to them without a necessary reason or purpose can be upsetting. Is it wrong to be upset by "just" tactlessness and judgments about you/something you've done/made? Am I missing the point entirely here, I feel like I must be. :/

 

[illusionist]

Let me try to give example -

If someone said to me 20 years ago...
"Have you got that order ready you said would be on my desk by 10 ? You are slow today" my emotions would have kicked in straight away ......would have went into panic mode, felt I was letting someone down, felt stupid, felt like a child and on and on and on to seeing that the statement " you are slow today" insinuated that I was lazy, stupid and the person is talking down to me.

If someone had said the same thing 6 months after learning my changed thinking?
I would have thought...

Ah yes! That's it over there, I meant to hand it in on the way past but I forgot, will get it in now. The " you are slow today" would be just what it is....I am slow today, as in running behind, which is a fact.
It is about changing the thought process. How you translate that message to the brain.