Cry Or Scream In A Flashback?

[Justmehere]

Does anyone ever cry or scream in a flashback? Every now and then, I have. A neighbor overheard me during a recent flashback when I did. They told my landlady, who emailed me and suggested I get professional help. I already told my therapist about that flashback shortly after it happened. I felt so horrible afterwards and so embarrassed. I don't know how to fix it with anyone. I have not yet told my therapist about this email, I think I need to tell her about the email and possibly agree to let her talk to my landlady (my therapist's suggestion after it happened when I told the therapist I was concerned I might get in trouble.) I don't know how that will help, but I am desperate and can't think of anything else to do. I just feel terrible about this. I really screwed up. Moving is a huge trigger and now I am in a panic that I will be evicted. Renewing the lease is probably no longer an option and I just moved in two months ago.

It's all I can do to not viciously hate myself right now. I'm trying to hate my PTSD symptoms instead of hating me as a person.... but I feel terrible that I even did this, that this even happened, and I have a hard accepting that a flashback would really do this, but I have no other explanation as to why I was so suddenly upset and crying or screaming when having a flashback other than it's just part of what PTSD means for me, and I have to keep working even harder (how is this possible?!) to keep it under control.

I am so failing. I took a big step forward in therapy today, and I left and about an hour later, I got this email. 1 steps forward, 500 backwards.

Does this happen to others? How do you handle it after it happens? I will be doing everything I can to prevent it form happening again, but I don't know what to do about the fact that it already happened.

 

[macca]

I have screamed every now and then, even often in the last 6 months, in flashbacks. The thing is, I had "left the building" so to speak, and wasn't "there" to ground myself, as I can sometimes do. I heard myself screaming, but wasn't in my body, and it was like someone else was screaming. How does anybody control that? Just because other people can control themselves screaming in normal circumstances, doesn't mean it can be done in the middle of a flashback - it's just not the same. It's hard for people who've never experienced it to understand. I think your idea of telling your T about the email and possibly getting her to talk to your landlady is a good one - she might understand better then. Talking to your T about your own feelings about this might be helpful too. Hugs if that's ok!

 

[soulsearcher]

When I have flashbacks it's usually while I'm sleeping and I start screaming and crying. It startles my kids but I just tell them I had a nightmare.

I also write the flashback down, even the little details, then my T and I talk about it.

I believe it's good to share your flashbacks with someone safe like your T. There's always something you learn or how you need to view it and the negativity it makes you believe about yourself.

 

[Jane.l]

@macca I often wonder how you are meant to ground yourself when you are not really 'there' - thought it was just me missing something .

Justmehere - I think your T talking to your landlady is a really good idea. It shows you are taking action and responsibility and really what more can you do than that .

I often wake up really crying which I hate because I don't really ever cry when I am conscious. Started off like that this morning and have felt terrible all day .

Hope your landlady is understanding and this gets resolved for you.

 

[Echo]

@Justmehere - yes, I woke myself up screaming and was in the middle of a flashback. My pets reacted so I know I didn't imagine it.

I don't though think it has got anything to do with your landlady, and I can't imagine it would be a reason to evict you or even ask you to leave, unless you were doing it for hours on end every day and truly disturbing your neighbours.. This neighbour may have been concerned that you weren't ok, and that maybe you were being attacked right then. It would be very callous to ask someone to leave on the basis of a nightmare/flashback. Most people have no idea where random screams come from in the night and take very little notice. I think this is putting you under more stress and I hope they will just accept that you had a bad nightmare without them needing to know much more about your intimate business. Don't be too apologetic. You haven't done anything wrong.

 

[Lionheart]

I used to have flashbacks in my sleep. I would hit, kick, cry out, scream, and utter threats of deadly force...all while very much asleep. Other times, I have cried during a flashback, but I tend to cry silently so no one knew except for the ones who saw me face-to-face.

I think the others before me have offered you some good advise and I have little to add except to say be gentle with yourself. What you are going through is difficult and anyone (with PTSD) could find themselves in the same situation as you have.

I agree that you should talk to your therapist and get his/her advise on how to proceed and to explore your feelings about what happened and about the flashback itself.

I wish you much healing and success,
Lion

 

[Bedbug]

Yes, often. Like @macca says, I can hear myself but I can't do anything about it. Usually it starts with a soft "No, no, no" and I hear this and know that the volume will most likely go up and up until I am screaming it. I worry that the neighbours think my husband is hurting me. It doesn't help that I don't go out much and had ambulances and the doctor's car at my house frequently when all this started.

 

[Justmehere]

wow - thank you so much everyone! All your responses and input have been so helpful to me! This has been so hard to face in so many ways, but I feel like I'm beginning to rest and think that I can deal with this...

After reading everyone's posts, I got up the courage to contact my therapist and asked for an extra appointment this week. I told her I need to talk about how to handle flashbacks I've had at home. She happily made an appointment. I also closed out my email account to hold off on emailing my landlady until the emotions I am feeling have subsided a little more..

I'm really exhausted, and going to write more here later, when my brain is not so fried. I wanted to say thank you. It really stinks that you all deal with this too, and it selfishly helps to know I'm not alone in this - so much.

 

[Tinyflame]

Justmehere, late to add but I agree, you've done nothing wrong AT ALL.

I haven't made a sound during a flashback that I know of, but no different than screaming one's self awake with a nightmare or a night terror. (Or hey- for some people just getting startled- a mouse! :eek: :wideeyed: ) I would talk to your T before you respond. Your health info is your business.

Flashbacks kind of teach us things, I think.

:hug:

 

[joeylittle]

Does this happen to others? How do you handle it after it happens? I will be doing everything I can to prevent it form happening again, but I don't know what to do about the fact that it already happened.

You forgive yourself.

Happens to me; I've had the police show up. My neighbors aren't happy about it. And I'm telling you what I need to tell me :shy: because I feel beyond guilty about it. However, it happens. My therapist tells me to tell my neighbors I am in treatment and it won't happen forever. He also called the local police station and verified what I told them.

Hang in there.

 

[Justmehere]

You forgive yourself.

This is what my therapist suggested last week about struggling through other things. (Great minds think alike? :)) I'm not very good at this either.

I broke down and sent my landlord a middle of the night apology. Sending emails in the middle of the night in a panic attack is rarely a good idea. :oops:

I'm spinning out right now. I'm facing some of my worst trauma anniversaries this week and next week. I'm too scared to check email, which is the way my landlord likes to communicate. I don't even know what I'm scared of - I just don't understand me right now. I feel like I'm spinning backwards. It's taking all I have to get myself through today.

I see my therapist on Friday, and I know I can call her if things get any worse, but I really want to handle this on my own. Then again, trying to do so much on my own seems to just lead to me drowning.

Forgiving myself does seem like an important step - It also leaves me in tears. I really hate what PTSD has done to my life.

 

[joeylittle]

Wow, I've got major anniversary at this end of this week also.

Forgiving myself does seem like an important step - It also leaves me in tears. I really hate what PTSD has done to my life.

You sound like me, or I sound like you :hug:. Like all things, its much easier to say it to someone else than it is to do it for yourself. I know its not easy. These next few weeks will really be "one day/step at a time" weeks, for both of us I think. And if you don't want to check your email, don't worry about it. Once upon a time we didn't have it, and weren't on-call 24/7. Really, its OK.

Hang in there.