Csa and the therapy relationship

[Maroon731]

Hi - this really helped. To see and validate these are "kid" feelings. I have felt a little more fr...

I just read this last post and my original and realize I am saying the same thing over again. So thanks for letting me do that. Ugh. I guess I just need to talk with the therapist, if I can open my mouth. And tell her. I certainly am not going to share any of my story until I feel safe - I think that is a good sign. And I hear how we will never be friends. But we have many mutual friends. It is a real mind-f*ck. (sorry for the language).

I just read this last post and my original and realize I am saying the same thing over again. So tha...

One more comment (suppose I should have put this in a diary from writing so much). My step sister also lived in that house and she had to share her friends with me since we were the same age and I lived the school year with my Mom in a different town. I also think there is some triggering there - not being able to fit in with her friends when she is with them. Just a thought but I think it is real. I also think my therapist is not all mean and messed up like my step-family so hopefully she will understand. And I keep telling myself if she doesn't I can fire her. But that thought makes me feel empowered, it doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy.
Hey thanks for listening.

 

[hithere]

I think you have a good grasp on what is bothering you about the therapy, on a couple different levels. It makes sense to me, and only talking about it with her will help. Reading what you wrote reminded me of a therapist I had briefly a LONG time ago. She was a great therapist! I only had her briefly because shortly after we started therapy she joined my "faith community."

Seeing her with my friends, but not being able to talk to her in the same way did not work for me at all.We never talked about it though, so maybe if we had talked about it I could have dealt with it. Instead I just quit therapy. I did no therapy then for two decades. until now.

 

[Rumors]

I don't know why she can't just say "our kids go to school together" and leave it there? That is ambiguous enough that she isn't saying you are a client but enough where someone wouldn't really question much more. I live in a big town so I doubt I would run in to mine however I have recommended professionals to perform tasks for her which is fine as I know she won't be chatting up how we know each other. I. Use if you sit her down and let her know all of your feelings about secrecy and her response then the both of you can come up with a solution that feels safe for all. Hang in there!

 

[Maroon731]

Interesting insight about secrets. My mind hid my memories from me for four decades. I wanted...

I am going to think on this some. I was thinking this morning maybe I over disclose (and can probably dial that back, the over disclosure is on the mundane but I always feel I have to explain my motives). As I dial back the over disclosure I feel better - as I can see some of those reasons I tell too much as a "kid" thing, and agree the therapist and I would have "secret" or rather confidential conversations, what I think I am struggling with is keeping a "secret relationship" - It is the relationship, why does that have to be a secret. It's not like I don't talk to my doctors or accountants in public. But I can see where maybe other people, with different issues might feel differently.

 

[Maroon731]

I don't know why she can't just say "our kids go to school together" and leave it there? That is ambiguo...

I agree with this, and going to ask. I have reread this whole thread and am trying to type up some of my thoughts and what I learned from responses, and questions that have come up, and am going to try and type my fears and read it to my T with hopes of working thru these triggers. I feel like the CSA has made me always question and be fearful to acknowledge a relationship or friendship in public without firm validation that it is ok. So maybe the fact that all of this is coming up will help me resolve some more deep rooted issues. I do believe my T genuinely wants to be helpful - and I think it is important I can be as candid with her as I am here. The issue usually is I have a hard time talking in therapy. Since I am better at typing, I am thinking I will type more concise thoughts and read it to her so we can discuss more. I did bring it up last week (the power differential) and she pointed out it is the me who has the power since it is "my story" (and that I am not handing over power by telling my story to a safe person) but I really didn't fully understand that line of thinking. So maybe we can hash it out more next week before I jump into the actual "story content". I also am seeing how different traumas might have different reactions to this therapist situation. That has helped me better accept my trauma and my symptoms as real and valid to my abuse, and shared - which is also helpful. Thanks.

 

[Rumors]

I agree with this, and going to ask. I have reread this whole thread and am trying to type up some...

I am also a CSA survivor. It has effected the way I have all relationships. My first thought is "what do they want from me?" I can come up with ways that I don't deserve support and good relationships bc I am innately bad. It's crazy how we can be our own worst enemy. I am sorry you are going through this. Hang in there!

 

[Rose White]

I over disclose (and can probably dial that back, the over disclosure is on the mundane but I always feel I have to explain my motives). As I dial back the over disclosure I feel better -

This is heavy on my mind at the moment as well. Like you said, when I dial it back I feel better, but the moment of dialing it back feels like swallowing a big fluffy ball—all this stuff I want to say held together in a big ball and processed by not saying it, choosing to reveal less.

In fact, I noticed this theme even playing out in therapy. As I grow I am facing more and more fears on a regular basis and I cannot put them all together into a coherent narrative to share—so some get processed without talking about them—that was uncomfortable at first—and to be honest, still is—but I’m noticing that I can process bigger “fluff balls” now—that is, I can allow the lessons to work through me so that when I do share something, it’s more integrated.

 

[Maroon731]

My last therapy session was the first week of August, my next is the first weeks of September. As I left my last session, I left a typed letter that shared my concerns with therapy (one paragraph from all these posts), and a second typed letter with more background on my child trauma (similar to my initial Diary post). I left them on the couch. School is started and I am scared I will see her at back to school night which is the evening before our next session, I am even concerned I won't - I am spinning. I am nervous about what I shared. I am nervous about trusting her integrity as a caring and honest individual outside of her therapy. I can't wrap my head around having to keep a distance outside of therapy and how do I do that when we share contacts around our kids. I am spinning and panicked. I am not sure if these feelings are warranted, I a not sure if I am misplacing because we are close to getting somewhere. Or I am pissed about how therapy relationships work and how much they mirror the CSA and other bully relationships in my life where people act one way in private, and another in public. Should I just cancel the therapist relationship before my next meeting? It would take so much pressure off me. I am worried she will try to convince me why these fears (Kid fears) are not valid, or that maybe she will suggest we stop, or something emotionally scary (so stupid), and I don't want to face it. Can I just cancel and find someone else on-line, or in the next town (2 hours away), or just stop all together? I need some advice if my concerns and fear should be honored, or do I push thru? I think she is trustworthy but I am in hyperdrive already, with more panic each day as I think on this and my appointment isn't even for two weeks. Advice?

 

[piratelady]

It might give you a sense of resolution if you still go to the appointment. Talking about the information you left for her doesn’t obligate you to continue seeing her. Then you can make a decision after that.

When I have written my therapist it creates so much anxiety before my next appointment. It usually turns out ok though. I hope the same is true for you :hug:

 

[Maroon731]

Thanks, I know you are right. I talk my self off the ledge several times a day. I imagine not making it into the office door so I keep saying whatever I decide I don't have to preempt with a cancellation - but it's constant head dialogue which is exhausting on the nerves.

 

[hithere]

i would hang in there. your dizzying fears and anxieties are completely reasonable to me. I think everything you are feeling at the same time; the anger at how therapy is structured, the anxiety of being terminated, the anxiety of digging deeper and speaking and sharing openly about the past, all the fears of "what is going to happen" are valid. If I thought I would see my therapist at a "back to school night" I would be so anxious I'd probably either drink or take a benzo. and I wouldn't feel bad about doing that and im not saying you should. Hopefully you have some coping skills in place and some activities you can hyper focus on until your session.

It's just my opinion but I don't think online over the phone therapy really works very well for me. I tried it several times with some very educated experienced people. My csa came from a relationship that was live and in person, and live and in person is what I needed to get my brain settled down. The worst can happen, this is true. But you won't know if the best happens unless you try. you survived worse you will survive this.

 

[Maroon731]

i would hang in there. your dizzying fears and anxieties are completely reasonable to me. I think everything you are feeling at the same time; the anger at how therapy is structured, the anxiety of being terminated, the anxiety of digging deeper and speaking and sharing openly about the past, all the fears of "what is going to happen" are valid. If I thought I would see my therapist at a "back to school night" I would be so anxious I'd probably either drink or take a benzo. and I wouldn't feel bad about doing that and im not saying you should. Hopefully you have some coping skills in place and some activities you can hyper focus on until your session.

It's just my opinion but I don't think online over the phone therapy really works very well for me. I tried it several times with some very educated experienced people. My csa came from a relationship that was live and in person, and live and in person is what I needed to get my brain settled down. The worst can happen, this is true. But you won't know if the best happens unless you try. you survived worse you will survive this.

Thank you, your validation helps. And this is the thing, I think she has helped some and I really do like this therapist. But not sure I like her enough to live with the same rules as I did with some of my abusers. Perhaps if I can just get to the appointment we can work that out.
I do need some support to get to this appointment (or if the advice was to drop the appointment that would probably be followed instead). But agree as much as I want to text a cancellation I feel that would be in bad form. It is just so hard!! So, I actually really appreciate the thought of don't feel bad about using anxiety coping mechanisms that may be more symptom control - I do have some fairly harmless self-medicating vices that are not maybe the best but help. And I have been trying to not beat myself up for using those. And I know I am making progress. And sometimes I tell myself the progress I have made is enough to now stop, but, I think I probably have lots more work on since I still have not even spoke about my childhood traumas.

I was invited to a dinner with several people including a different counselor over the weekend. She is not my therapist but she works with people in my same town, and she knows my therapist. Anyway, totally unrelated (I don't think she knows my issues), she says to someone at our dinner table: "if I had a patient that did not trust me I would not continue with that client". She was talking to someone else, but, my head kinda ripped around and I said "trust is not that easy" - someone heard me and interrupted and said "what are you all worked up about" - I joked it off and the conversation changed again and it all was forgotten. But that comment has haunted me since. I wonder if my therapist wants to stop working with me because she senses I don't trust her. And I do trust her, I trust she won't tell anyone and she will follow her ethical code and help me. But I was gaslighted also much of my life (not sure if that is the right term) but so many dishonest and two-faced people. I hate lying. So I fear my therapist just acts caring because I pay her but that she secretly thinks I am messed up and disgusting - ugh. I wonder if 'normal' people, or people with other types of 'issues' have these type of insecurities.
- Thank you!