Csa and the therapy relationship

[shimmerz]

Interesting the different perspectives. In my mind, because I pay my therapist - I am at the top of the food chain for power differentials as far as I am concerned. So if anything, my therapists have all had to prove to me that they are giving me what I want or I will go elsewhere. I haven't ever actually thought I was the one with the lesser control in the room. Just me being creepy I guess.

Also, I would divulge things, easily. Because I was paying my therapist to tell me how to deal with it. If I didn't tell him/her my thoughts or experiences then I might as well have been flushing my money down the toilet.

Also.... I was curious. I wanted to know what my T's knew. So I asked a whole lot of questions and then when I figured something out I would go back to (him at the time) and say - okay - this is what you told me - this is what I reseached, this is what I have come up with when I put that all together and shake it all around. Does that sound right? So I guess I treated him/her more like a consultant. I was paying to consult with him about what I needed to know in order to put the pieces together myself.

I would get flack by some T's and definitely psychiatrists along the way because I wasn't supposed to be 'curious' or 'research' or 'ask questions'. f*ck that. My life. You can help me figure shit out but you aren't going to tell me how I have to heal. Many psychiatrists here do that and it wasn't my thing. Hands down I give a shit about my future days 100 kerbillion percent (which is a lot) more than any doctor did.

Besides, I am all left brain. Still working on that. I am giving my current T (woman) way more leeway. I trust her to be responsible to me. I haven't had to call her out yet.

 

[Mach123]

Yes, and it faded with time. I have cPTSD from CSA and I have the most wonderful relationship with the therapist after at least 3 years of similar feelings. I have become completely comfortable so it's possible. I am so grateful now I ended up with her and I said that, in the beginning, but I couldn't feel it and I put her through it. She earned my trust, which I didn't even have for myself. She worked hard and so did I. I really wanted it. I wanted to trust her.

 

[Maroon731]

Interesting the different perspectives. In my mind, because I pay my therapist - I am at the top of t...

Hi there - you must be a man - haha. But I would say I felt very confident to take the approach you are describing. And logically it makes sense. However, when I start thinking about child stuff and CSA specifically I pretty much lose any power and get very fearful. Certainly I can push out and be more logical. But part of my problem is I am very analytical. So as I try to feel some emotion or have a memory or discuss relationships as a kid, I get very vulnerable and that power differential gets real. As does thinking she thinks I am pathetic - and if she saw me in public it is only out of sympathy I would get a hello. Even if I know all that is not true. It's hard to talk myself off that cliff, takes a few days at the least to feel confident to go out again. But really thank you for your thoughts it is good and helpful to hear about different approaches in therapy.

 

[shimmerz]

Hi there - you must be a man -

Nope. All woman. Proud of it. My therapist calls me an 'alpha woman'. I just call me Shimmerz. :happy:

 

[Maroon731]

Yes, and it faded with time. I have cPTSD from CSA and I have the most wonderful relationship with the...

Love this - I feel the same. But this little voice is like, but, wait you pay her - is it real? It's nice when they are willing to work out of the box, little things have helped me with the trust but it's work to believe. Thanks.

Nope. All woman. Proud of it. My therapist calls me an 'alpha woman'. I just call me Shimmerz. :h...

Like this!! And the strength to call out your research. I am not sure if I learned more in therapy or the research it takes me too. But have been too scared to call out what I find in a direct fashion. Thanks for the inspiration.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m sorry that I’m your country you cannot acknowledge your therapists existence in public.

In the USA it is not this way. Here a therapist cannot talk to you first, but it’s ok for a client to reach out and acknowledge the therapist first. A light conversation can ensue from there.

 

[Rose White]

Interesting insight about secrets. My mind hid my memories from me for four decades. I wanted to figure out what was wrong with me for so long and I didn’t want to have any secrets. I compulsively told the truth to any and everyone. My abuser taught me to give everything away for free. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t stay attached to people.

Now I understand that my time is mine, my privacy is mine, my body is mine. Now I understand that it’s okay to have secrets when your intentions are right. I choose what to share, how much to share, and who to share with. I think it’s fair to say that I love secrets now! Because I’m allowed to have them! Having secrets does not make me manipulative or abusive or mean that I’m a victim.

 

[piratelady]

I’ve tried out a few therapists before I settled on the one I have now. With some of them I can see how I would have felt like there was a huge power differential. I feel like he genuinely cares though.

When I started seeing him originally it was for domestic violence recovery. I felt better and quit going for a couple years. Now I think I have memories of csa and I’ve gone back to him. He remembered so many things about me and was able to pick up right where we left off before. That just further solidified my trust in him.

However, I still doubt it at times and have an intense fear of telling him the things I’ve remembered. I imagine that comes from the shame of what I let happen.

 

[Tinyflame]

Secrets usually mean there's usually something to be ashamed of. Confidentiality, in my mind, isn't really about shame

^^ Totally agree with this. For me, there are no secrets; as a respectful adult there is respect for other's (including their right to privacy and trust in me), and hopefully if disclosed to one trustworthy the same as them for me. I have many things no one knows about me. But secrets, to me, mean there is something that by it's nature cannot be (ever) made public- that is the understanding between the parties, but often with coercion or fear, not respect and care, or even common sense. I actually see no real comparison to having to keep secrets vs non-public knowledge. If anything, I would wonder if it's my mind's way of playing a game of self-sabotage, to be unconsciously looking for reasons to turn what is helpful into a connotation of harmful.

I imagine that comes from the shame

I believe this is more likely also ^^, the content being the culprit for association.

 

[Maroon731]

With long-term CSA history that was never shared and I am late 40's: Does anyone get triggered by a t...

I woke up today wondering if I should stop seeing my therapist? As mentioned I am in a small town, and this is the second time she said she met a mutual acquaintance and when my name came up and they asked if she new me - she said No. I find this hurtful, here I am laying it all out and I don't get acknowledged as "yes we met". Some of these people I may have even told them I knew her, in passing as our kids will go to the same school and we just know the same people. It is very triggering of the CSA and family trauma I went thru (this is new to put together the triggers) - the secrets. When I spoke with her about this, I casually told her she can tell people she knows me. And our kids go to the same school so actually I do kinda know her outside of therapy. But then she says again she denied knowing me to someone just this last session - it has really been bugging me as "betrayal". Which I am guessing she thinks by not knowing me she is keeping from betraying me. I guess I need to clarify with her, her position. But if she says we absolutely cannot be "friends" or she will not acknowledge knowing me in public due to licensing issues, etc, I think I have to stop seeing her. Not that I think we will become great friends, but, I can't walk thru town/schools/etc pretending I don't know her because she has a license. She will waive hello if I see her and waive first. But I really don't like the denying of knowing each other. Let's face it this person knows more about me than anyone on this earth (collectively). Any thoughts on this? I guess I would rather give up therapy and chance we might become friends or acquaintances as school moms, then walk around like a damaged patient where the therapist will not acknowledge knowing me and I am scared I might run into her. Does anyone think I am being slightly irrational? I kinda think I am. But, I also feel my "hurt" child self cannot handle half truths or deceptions any longer - it is very triggering. The flip side is I really like her and we have made some progress. I am about to get into some heavy stuff so I keep asking my self if that is why I want to quit. I also know it might be hard for me to find someone else. But at the same time I don't want to compromise my "integrity" otherwise it might backfire. In the end, I suppose I need to have another conversation with her and if it remains vague just cancel until I get a grip.

 

[hithere]

I woke up today wondering if I should stop seeing my therapist? As mentioned I am in a small town,...

I can only speak from my experience. I would have very similar triggers. Since it was a close relationship that tricked me, a relationship that messed with my mind and my heart, the therapy relationship is a total emotional upheaval after upheaval after upheaval with triggers. i don't know what kind of therapy modality you are using, but for me I had to use the triggers to get in touch with the child who was wounded-it isn't grown up emotions I cant deal with, it's the frozen child emotions that were never allowed "out" or "acknowledged". There's NO logic or rationality with some kid emotions. they hurt and using "logic" and "rational" arguments just make the pain worse, because assurance and comfort is what I needed.

There is something in the therapy relationship, especially with the dynamic of your small town, that hints of the abuse which was a type of rejection. The therapist by license law cannot acknowledge you in public. (how is that similar to how your abuser treated you in public?) The therapist is bound by ethics, though, and doesn't want to lose their license. The fact your relationship with the therapist is somewhat similar in the dynamics to the abuse you suffered it should be talked from all angles with the therapist in my opinion. And the discussion should come from the position of the kid feelings and helping the kid feelings feel safer and comforted and acknowledged. It's not enough to just talk to my grown up feelings, because that does not work for me. If I don't talk to these kid feelings, I suffer. I also refuse to call them "immature" feelings--that keeps them in the realm of bad, unacceptable, etc. Everyone is different, though.

In some respects what I hear is very positive in that you want to take the needed steps to protect your child part from further pain. That's actually commendable! One result of my abuse is for decades I did not take care of the wounded me; and in fact did things that caused further harm! If it were me I'd spend time reflecting on my child feelings and try to get very clear what exactly I need from the therapist concerning acknowledging you in public and then ask the the therapist to treat you that way.

Also, there will probably be a lot of times that you have to tell you yourself it is a therapy relationship and will not ever be a friendship. Remind yourself you are going to find "real" relationships that are two-way and be healthier as a result of this one-way therapy relationship.

 

[Maroon731]

Hi - this really helped. To see and validate these are "kid" feelings. I have felt a little more free or emboldened since I have been admitting to myself, this last week, that the abuse happened (I wrote in a diary on this website and it helped). I have also been reading this book called "reclaiming your life" - it's more of an on-line pamphlet. And hearing stories and similar feelings from people has been very validating, moreso than I thought. I have never even allowed the thought of "abuse" or "trauma" enter my mind in past years. Anyway, so much triggering. When I was a kid we lived in a small town and everyone knew our family. And I had to perform and act like I didn't care to not be acknowledged, etc. Or work really hard to not be seen. all of that, etc. As for this therapist relationship, we have many mutual friends, same potential book clubs, same school with our kids, band that our kids are in, community concerts. I would almost like to end it just so we could say hi and i feel validated. I have friends and am not looking for a friendship (not that I am opposed to it). But the need to not be acknowledged and seen (if she sees me), or not seen and we don't see each other on purpose (does that make sense). I keep thinking about how to word it. My thought this morning is I have to tell her I cannot have "sterile" relationships any longer, where there is all this intimacy (albeit mostly on my end) and then we don't know each other in public. (My abuse was abuse but I had to live in the same household and it is very confusing). And where I am telling her more than any one in my entire life knows about me, all my secrets, and then have her say she does not know me to some of my work peers and other people in my life in public. And frankly people must know I know her - so it puts me in a position of trying to decide, do I lie about the relationship. Which again super triggering. And I feel like a little kid. So thank you for validating this piece. I just don't know what to do. I figure I will tell her. And if she says she can't acknowledge me - I stop seeing her to protect myself (even if we never have a friendship or I never see her again in public, just the knowledge I probably well in this small town spins me out). At least she could decide and it wouldn't be this "license" game - it would be an authentic hello or an authentic snub. But if she says with my permission she can talk to me and acknowledge she knows me - I might be able to work with that. I don't want to come off manipulative. I just don't want to tell about abuse just to have it trigger abuse-like feelings. And I just can't bear to finally tell my story - which feels physically impossible as it is - to someone that I can't even talk with in public. If I pick someone new it would be in the next big town which is about 90 miles away (or would do on-line) so no real chance of running into them and if I did we wouldn't share all these mutual friends. I think my therapist does mostly EMDR. For me, however, I am not a good fit for EMDR right now and we have had talk therapy for about 14 months and I am just starting to touch on the CSA, but, have not talked on it yet. I don't want to force a hand - so just now sure what to do. I know I have struggled with these feelings for some time, so feeling stronger to call it out is probably a good sign. I just am not sure what to do?