With long-term CSA history that was never shared and I am late 40's: Does anyone get triggered by a therapist relationship in that this intimate relationship takes place in a room an hour a week or couple hours a month. All these very intimate details are explained. You walk out of the room, and leave this relationship as a "secret" and that if you run into this person in the outside world they are not a "friend" and you may not even talk to them if you see them in the "market" and if you do it cannot be about what is discussed in the "room"/therapy (I live in a small town so I do run into my therapist). And when I decide to stop going to therapy it will just end and all that I shared will be left. I understand a therapist is a "facilitator" to my healing. But, I just struggle with how to deal with a "therapist' relationship. I wonder if it is just me or if this is common? And I sometimes wonder if it is triggering due to the CSA trauma, which after a year I may be ready to finally discuss for the first time, but, I keep going back to after I talk about the years of secret abuse - what do I do with the "therapist" relationship. My guess is as I heal it will all make sense. But I am not sure and my fear of being betrayed in this situaiton is screaming for me to listen.
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Csa and the therapy relationship
- Post starter Maroon731
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I can see how the secrecy is fearful.
But the goal is healing, not hiding.
Not sure if that helps. (Congratulations for considering it, a year is not long. I could not do that with a stranger. So much trust is required.) I have said much but professional/ friend. But it's the getting it out plus feedback (and support) that has changed and challenged stuff and made an opening to think of it in new ways, remember, and deal with it.
Good luck to you.
But the goal is healing, not hiding.
Not sure if that helps. (Congratulations for considering it, a year is not long. I could not do that with a stranger. So much trust is required.) I have said much but professional/ friend. But it's the getting it out plus feedback (and support) that has changed and challenged stuff and made an opening to think of it in new ways, remember, and deal with it.
Good luck to you.
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- #3
I think what I am trying to say is CSA is very secretive in a room and as a child you wake up with the expectation that everything is a "secret" - or whatever or however that is processed as a young child. And the processing as a child is difficult and makes it so that you don't speak and don't acknowledge. I feel some of those same triggers with therapy and how to handle how to think of the therapist outside of therapy. I know I am an adult now and can talk to whomever and there is no shame in therapy. But what I am thinking and sometimes talk about is shameful and I wouldn't share it with anyone else. And there is the Therapy hangover which feels like shame but it's not. I have so much fear on how to lean into a therapist without these triggers, and not without having fear of how it will all end. Which is maybe not rational. But I suppose non of this is rational.
I'm sorry I wasn't clear, what you said above is what I meant about secrecy. But in another matter, if there wasn't confidentiality, I don't think I would feel safe enough to say anything.
I am sorry I can't speak to the other parts, my intention was just to get help/ desperation. And then to do what was right/ clean my own closet (also, be self-honest and make repairs/ amends). But I also really did not have any idea whatsoever what my mind would bring up, or thought of digging, or anything at all. It was the proverbial peeling-the-onion.
For myself I had decades of silence/ minimizing/ forgetting/ self-blame, I thought I would take everything to my grave, end of the issue. Oddly, therapy not being an option has forced me to try to cope and overcome in whatever ways I could, and they have been likely better suited to me. Were it a solely professional relationship, I likely would reveal less (but that would be to my detriment in the self-honesty department), but would also have less ways to accept/ forgive myself. But I guess the thoughts about it would end there, it's just a service I would pay for and know the degree to which I was honest would affect how much progress I would make.
The problem is I can't get courage quickly, and I avoid it all. For example, no doctor's visit in 34 years (and the cost of most of those are covered here, though not therapists). So whereas most people get the guts to do things for their ultimate benefit, I just don't in the conventional manner, I am too terrified even though I try not to be, the words just don't come, or the opposite/ wrong ones do.
ETA, I think being treated kindly and with gentleness and respect, and valuing the quality of the feedback means a lot.
I am sorry I can't speak to the other parts, my intention was just to get help/ desperation. And then to do what was right/ clean my own closet (also, be self-honest and make repairs/ amends). But I also really did not have any idea whatsoever what my mind would bring up, or thought of digging, or anything at all. It was the proverbial peeling-the-onion.
For myself I had decades of silence/ minimizing/ forgetting/ self-blame, I thought I would take everything to my grave, end of the issue. Oddly, therapy not being an option has forced me to try to cope and overcome in whatever ways I could, and they have been likely better suited to me. Were it a solely professional relationship, I likely would reveal less (but that would be to my detriment in the self-honesty department), but would also have less ways to accept/ forgive myself. But I guess the thoughts about it would end there, it's just a service I would pay for and know the degree to which I was honest would affect how much progress I would make.
The problem is I can't get courage quickly, and I avoid it all. For example, no doctor's visit in 34 years (and the cost of most of those are covered here, though not therapists). So whereas most people get the guts to do things for their ultimate benefit, I just don't in the conventional manner, I am too terrified even though I try not to be, the words just don't come, or the opposite/ wrong ones do.
ETA, I think being treated kindly and with gentleness and respect, and valuing the quality of the feedback means a lot.
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- Post starter
- #5
Thank you for sharing. The guts to push thru is hard. I keep reminding myself if I want to quit or if it feels to hard, I am probably on the right path. But the other side of me says what's the point, just keep status quo. I have found it helps to ask questions here, and that scares me too. Baby steps....
Yes @Maroon731 baby steps.
Well for me it wasn't status quo, it was just live or die. Also, I have said what I have aware of regardless of the consequences to myself. Not upsetting the status quo, but anticipating the possibility (totally expected) of being and feeling ashamed, horrible, repulsive, disgusting, gross,a monster.
I suppose too with a T you don't have to worry about burdening them. But me-being-me, I still would think of that.
I also can do better when I can do things for other's good. Everywhere. Always was that way. It's a motivator I don't have for myself. So I can reveal more if I have to or be more honest considering other's feelings, as opposed to just my own.
Well for me it wasn't status quo, it was just live or die. Also, I have said what I have aware of regardless of the consequences to myself. Not upsetting the status quo, but anticipating the possibility (totally expected) of being and feeling ashamed, horrible, repulsive, disgusting, gross,a monster.
I suppose too with a T you don't have to worry about burdening them. But me-being-me, I still would think of that.
I also can do better when I can do things for other's good. Everywhere. Always was that way. It's a motivator I don't have for myself. So I can reveal more if I have to or be more honest considering other's feelings, as opposed to just my own.
digger
Sponsor
Not sure if I'm understanding your post correctly, so apologies if I'm off course, but this sounds like something I've had a conversation with my T about.
That the process of therapy itself can almost feel like it's mirroring the abuse due to the secrecy and 'hidden' nature of it. It can feel like it is more of 'behind closed doors'. Another 'dirty little secret'. I know that it's a completely different situation, but it can feel like it is still part of covering it all up, something shameful, not to be spoken of outside of those walls?
That the process of therapy itself can almost feel like it's mirroring the abuse due to the secrecy and 'hidden' nature of it. It can feel like it is more of 'behind closed doors'. Another 'dirty little secret'. I know that it's a completely different situation, but it can feel like it is still part of covering it all up, something shameful, not to be spoken of outside of those walls?
FauxLiz
Diamond Member
@Maroon731 I understand how the "secrecy" of the therapuetic relationship can feel as though it mimics the secrecy that you were forced to maintain as part of the CSA and I have lived in small towns off and on throughout my life (I define small as less than 5,000 people) and I have recently moved again to a small community of just over 2,000. I can't tell you how to resolve the conflicted feelings I just hoped I could validate for you that you are not alone in feeling that way.
Yes, extremely so. You have expressed it so well here. Thanks for posting it!
also, the power differential is a huge enormous trigger for me just like the original CSA...
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- #10
I understand. I have had those conflicts most of my life. I will say if nothing else, middle age and maybe even kids force me to act a little more for myself these days, along with some confidence from Therapy. With the therapy relationship I realize I don't have to be so guarded, as I pay her to do this, but, still it is painful and hard to not feel judged or disgusting. The difference is I tell myself, worst case, I will fire my T - which triggers other emotions. And, clearly that would not be the goal. I wish you the best on your self-care journey.
I have been very aware of the power differential as well, I also have to do a lot of self talk to work thru that. I appreciate that I think she gets that and tries to do a lot of relational talk.... Thanks for sharing.
Thank you!! Yes my town has a couple hundred and the county about 5k people so it is inevitable with one school, etc. Thanks for sharing, it helps.
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msjanetxtreme
Bronze Member
This is an interesting perspective that hadn't ever really occurred to me. I've never really considered therapy to be a "secret" but it can be in a lot of ways. Secrets usually mean there's usually something to be ashamed of. Confidentiality, in my mind, isn't really about shame but establishing and maintaining boundaries. I didn't have great boundaries about what was acceptable wrt interpersonal relationships when I was growing up but there were definitely secrets. I take comfort in knowing what I say can't be shared with others in a therapeutic relationship.
I did, however, feel uneasy being in a closed room with a male therapist. My current T practices in an open space design out of her home and identifies as female. Huge difference for me psychologically --even though going for therapy is still brutally hard.
I did, however, feel uneasy being in a closed room with a male therapist. My current T practices in an open space design out of her home and identifies as female. Huge difference for me psychologically --even though going for therapy is still brutally hard.
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- #12
Thanks for sharing your perspective. How interesting, the open area for counseling - that seems helpful. Originally I was going to meet with a Male, glad I didn't go with that recommendation. But my therapist asked me to go for a walk at the start of our session the other day which seemed unconventional but helped since I was so jumpy. I know logically therapy shouldn't feel like a secret, or scary, or intimidating but it does. The only thing to counter is I keep telling myself I do this by choice, I pay her by choice. But the topics are secret for me. And I also struggle with what I will do when the professional relationship ends which may just be me over thinking. I sometimes get scared if I stop (due to just wanting to, expense or moving or whatever) that I will have this person who keeps my secret but that I have access to, no real relationship - is it just a paid phoney one. Does that even matter? But going back to my personal trauma and the using and manipulating that happened, it is hard and I have to often fight these feelings.
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