Currently ignoring/‘punishing’ my therapist


And I know it sounds stupid that I can’t just say that/text that to her.
No, it doesn't sound stupid. Not at all. You're afraid, that's a real thing.
I think this whole thing with her at the moment is somehow jangling a lot of stuff for me that I don’t really understand. It feels very stressful.
Exactly - you are responding to something that doesn't have to do with HER - it's got to do with something else, something you can't quite name.

If you think about it in that context - does the idea of bringing this up with her get any easier?

(BTW - when I've been dealing with things like this, I know that being able to say something out loud was the most challenging option. Writing it down and sharing the writing, that was easiest. Writing down and reading what I wrote, next easiest.)


Barefoot, you are really brave to be able to articulate exactly what you need... I think in my opinion there are two parallel things at work. One is you are here typing all these fundamental needs wants vulnerabilities and it sounds like you never got that in your life before... It is a perpetual need that alludes you all your life. Now you feel like asking for it but yet you are ashamed to do so because and this is where the second thing starts. You could ask your therapist to provide you and satisfy you but that is impossible. Your own child can ask exactly same thing and there is a point you simply can't pass and would say... I love you son/daughter and I am here for you but hope you find that courage, love, strength in you... But mommy is here.
The therapist is sitting there... Saying metaphorically speaking, there you go barefoot, you are strong, articulate, have love and did not get that developmentally but you have worked hard to be with me sitting as the other.. And you reached here. . This is who you are... Strong and vulnerable and that is OK. Just hold. There is nothing to solve. This is what it means to be healthy and human. Stop and hold that wanting and not getting.

That is my take. Reading your post is really therapeutic.